I Woke Up Dead

Laying in my bed..

Unable to move, eyes roaming around to a familiar sight. My bedroom, the same walls, the same posters on them, the same door I left cracked before I laid down to sleep. But something is different. Physically unable to move my arms or legs or any part of my body. Paralyzed to my mattress I slowly start to panic. I started to scream out, but my tone mummified, and no sound was coming out.

“What’s happening. Why am I like this. what's wrong with me?

Am I dreaming?”

questions I start to ask myself as I blank in and out. Phasing in from past flashes of what I remember or what I assume to be the last moments before opening my eyes and being here, in my body stuck feeling lost and alone.

After repeating this same moment multiple times as if I was stuck in a time warp redoing bedroom scenes over and over again realizing days are passing. Night has become day at least 5 times since I’ve first opened my eyes. Not one visitor has knocked at my door or call to my phone. Not even sure how long its been in general prior to me waking up. Was that the night before that I just went to sleep?

“Where are my so-called family and friends? Where are the nosey neighbors that usually would be walking their dogs and other pets in the morning or at night?”

Consciously thinking aloud, it happened! A knock came to my door. I tried to scream again but still no sound; lips closed as if they’d been glued together. Even still I was hoping for this time someone will hear me or care enough to bust through the door to come see if I'm ok. Where is my phone? I haven't heard it ring since I've been up.

The knocking stopped.

“Why did they stop.”

“Does anyone care?”

Now here is where I started to realize something was off. A smell so horrific seeping into my nostrils like a cartoon graphic of smoke entering and instant disgust of expression takes over my face. But fortunately, the smell was quick passing like a silent but deadly fart ten times over. The air cleared! What was the reek and where did it come from? Was that me? I know by now my comatosed body hasn't been washed in about a week but the stench was so deadly I was shunned no one else was smelling that.

Oh right, no one else is there.

On another day after I woke up, there was a noise. A very far distinct sound that sent chills down my spine. A feeling I was still able to have though my body wasn't able to move. I was knowledgeable to realize I had some of my senses but wasn't certain of taste or feel yet. I can see my room, hear the noises, and definitely can smell my funk. The noise got louder and closer, so close I just knew someone was going to be knocking at the door or something.

& Nothing. Not a damn thing. The noise got loud and then started to decrease.

Now what. I feel so hopeless and worthless that I can't even help myself or understand why I am here. What put me in this predicament? If I’m dead why am I still here and why doesn't anyone seem to notice anything. Where am I really?

The more I started asking myself these questions, the more flashes of my life started to replay as if I was watching it on a big screen with a projector.

My eyes were now completely open to what was my reality and what happened to me and my so-called life which is now a non factor. I chose to be right here where I'm at with as little neighbors around as possible. I chose to take this trip to the mountain and live in this cabin where I can gather my mental back together. I chose my death bed my distant lonely life from those who did care. I took my life and lay there until I no longer was alive. Suffocated by the fumes of regret and shame and doubt of my past life. I drove myself insane and carried on as if I was ok knowing I needed help. But instead I help myself to be Dead Alive.