I went to a meeting.

I went to a meeting.

As you sit in a group and must explain the reason why you are there. “Hi… I’m Danyale… I’m a recovering addict. I’m here today because if I am not, I am tempted. Being here helps me stay sober and contain peace within.

Then an all-around “Thank you for sharing”.

This is just the start. There are 12 steps in the program: powerlessness, power great than you, decide to change, inventory of self, admit, remove all defects, remove shortcomings, list all who you have harmed, make amends, personal inventory, seek through prayer, and have a spiritual awakening. As you sit there and have to say which step your on and what is going on in your life, I’ll explain the meeting I attended on February 25th, 2019, it was a Monday. I said my name, my addiction, and why am I here?

Well, I was attending this meeting after a traumatic experience that changed everything about anything in seconds.

My boyfriend had attempted suicide two nights before. I left the hospital and went straight to a meeting, in the same clothes I left from the ICU that Sunday morning. In the same clothes that I had saved his life. For four hours I waited. I sought through prayer and gained contact with God. An enlightening moment.

I realized as I looked at the fresh marks, cuts, scrapes and bruises. Some were from defense, somewhere from the moving and CPR on concrete, and some were from past events. Every time he drank, and the anger came, I was the target, although he was caught in the denial of addiction and never spoke of the events after. He was in such a blackout the night of the suicide. That an hour prior he tried to kill me. Lifted me up on the shower wall as if I weighed nothing. His eyes were so dark. He was not who I fell in love with.

I was blaming myself for another’s addiction. As I sat in this meeting and listened to the sponsors guidance. There were only two others there that shared and listened to my story. The enlightenment was that I saved my life, brought him back from hell… to live again. God showed me how powerless I was over the life I have, if I weren’t sober, I wouldn’t have been there to save his life. I left the meeting and went back to the ICU.

There it was a few nights, a few days, a few too many doctors, and then… He opened his eyes, and he was there. The suffocation of oxygen to brain didn’t leave him hindered to be unable to live again. The events of being saved did nothing for him at first. Yet, for me. Seeing his grey flesh, his lungs without a breath, hearing his heart without a beat as he hung there with pants covered in pee. My air brought him back from a hell that tried to take him. The terror I felt as I screamed and screamed. He took 30 minutes to breathe on his own. 30 minutes my hands kept his heart pumping, my strength kept his air going; I would not let his story be over.

He came home for two weeks.

I left him because if I wouldn’t have, he would have never gotten sober.

Through this entire mess I became this person with so much unrest. I stayed lost in emotions I couldn’t understand. The reality is that sometimes loving others comes at a toll that breaks you down. Sometimes the love for yourself is more important than the love for those that surround you. Find the balance. Don’t lose yourself in an induced intoxication. If you do fall into the rabbit hole of uncertainty.

You are not alone.

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