I Never Realized I had Trauma

I always thought my childhood was ideal. I got what I wanted for Christmas, my parents went to my hockey games, I had a loving family, and new clothes at the beginning of every school year. I thought I was always very privileged.

When my depression and alcoholism escalated to Bukowski levels at twenty-five I felt guilty. Almost as if I didn’t deserve to suffer this pain, nobody hit me or anything like that when I was young I felt like a loser for wasting my potential and I thought the depression/alcoholism was something I chose to do to myself. I could never understand how somebody like me could end up like this.

On paper, I had two degrees, a cool job for someone in their twenties producing radio shows, friends, girlfriends, and everything I was supposed to want. Yet I suffered constantly hating myself for my depression and alcoholism because it was taking over my life.

I lived for binge drinking from Thursday to Sunday and just surviving the weekdays until I could do it all again. It was the only time I had any joy.

I thought I was simply an awful person, who just wanted to party all the time.

Now as I am going through therapy and talking about everything, I am slowly realizing how much of an effect my traumas are having on me now as an adult.

A lot of it makes so much sense.

I Drive Myself Crazy Catastrophizing

Catastrophizing means imagining the worst-case scenario and blowing it out of proportion, even when it’s unlikely to happen. I spend an insane amount of time in my head worrying about all the terrible things that could happen. It gets worse when my life is good, I’m waiting for something the pull the rug from under my feet.

I catastrophized that my parents would get sick when I was younger. From ten to thirteen, my mother went through multiple brain surgeries for brain tumours and eventually died. I slowly watched her deteriorate.

My friend didn’t show up for work one day, no calls, nothing. My brain catastrophized that he overdosed or something. I left work and went to his house. I found his work vehicle in the driveway but no answer at the door. So I broke into his house and found he had committed suicide and I was unfortunately too late to do anything.

Even though my catastrophizing is wrong 99.9% of the time, the times I was right were extremely traumatic so it reinforced my catastrophizing. If a friend doesn’t answer my calls my thoughts go to death. I have a constant fear of losing my dad, my only family left.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is helping me a lot with this. It helps me look at my worries more rationally.

I Cannot Handle Uncertainty

Any uncertainty kills me. All the uncertainty in my life after my mom passed has stuck with me for twenty years. If there are a hundred possible outcomes to a situation I assume the worst will happen. The worst-case scenario just spins around in my mind forever.

It gets to the point where I will self-sabotage and make the worst outcome happen because it’s less painful than the rumination and turmoil in my mind.

This logically makes no sense but somehow my brain learned to do this.

As Petyr “Little Finger” Baelish says in Game Of Thrones “Sometimes when I try to understand a person’s motives, I play a little game. I assume the worst. What’s the worst reason they could have for saying what they say and doing what they do? Then I ask myself, ‘How well does that reason explain what they say and what they do?”

I Have Trouble With Relationships and Abandonment Issues

Losing any parent at a young age will leave a kid with abandonment issues. However, after my mom died, my whole family kind of went back to their normal lives, my dad was trying to survive the heartbreak and I was completely alone.

Now when somebody shows me affection I cling to it and become needy. I feel the need to lock down a relationship before they abandon me. Ironically, this makes people abandon me.

I’ve never had a long-term healthy relationship. I haven’t had any relationship in five years. The thought of getting rejected or abandoned again is too painful so I don’t date.

I could go on forever with more things I am learning in therapy but I’ll save it for the person I’m paying to listen to me.

I just wanted to point out that childhood/youth trauma can have so many negative effects on you without you even realizing it.

For example, Dr. Gabor Maté says that we can have the addiction gene in us from genetics and never struggle with addiction. However, childhood trauma at the wrong time can activate the addiction gene, leading to all sorts of addiction problems. Most addiction stems from childhood trauma.

If you are struggling with similar issues as me, consider talking to someone who can be objective like a doctor, therapist, or even a priest if you are religious. A close friend you trust is also good.

I have hope though. I am learning so much about myself and you cannot fix what you don’t know is broken. So I will keep on fighting the good fight.

Much Love,

Patrick