I'm a strong woman, right? So how did I end up here?

I was never really blind-sided. I didn’t just wake up one random brisk frosty morning in the middle of winter in a completely different world. A painful world. A toxic world. A violent world. Days of chaos and manipulation. Manic highs and frightening lows. A heart full of despair, loneliness, love and hate. A constant cycle of revenge and forgiveness that spiralled into a reality I no longer recognised as factual. A thousand different emotions fused together as one unimaginable weight crushing my chest. My mind spinning, overthinking, seeking solutions as it desperately tries to fight the emotions in my heart to find a way out of this mess. But my mind knows. It’s always known.

This didn’t happen overnight. Right from the start I saw those little signs. Those ‘not quite right’ moments. They appeared in passing comments, little white lies, slips of the tongue by friends or even strangers. Those undeniable ‘looks’ I got from people around me noticing that something was off. Inconsistencies, sarcasm bordering on put downs, sudden mood changes and of course my gut feeling. My intuition was screaming out to me that there was something wrong yet I ignored it. I let it slide because I didn’t want to believe it, I loved him. I was starting a life with him, a family with him, and I knew that if I listened to it then it was real, and if it’s real I would have to do something about it. I would have to confront him and stand up for myself because I’m a strong woman right?

Strong women speak up when they feel they’re being disrespected. Strong women don’t take sh*t, right? Yet I know that raising the issue, whatever it may be, would cause all sorts of hell. Which would it be? An argument? A storm out? Him calling me a range of names, descriptive or otherwise unmentionable? I would be labelled as ‘paranoid, jealous, crazy’ and quote “if you’re going to be like this then I’m just going to leave.” Wow, a breakup? How does it go from ‘something upsets me and it’s my right to say so’ to him threatening to leave? How can I face that? That’s not at all what I wanted. He takes things so far that I think I just shouldn’t say anything at all. I mean was it really that big of a deal in the large scope of things? Maybe I am just too sensitive. I don’t want to be one of those jealous whiny clingy girlfriends. Things will settle down in the end, once he realises that I’m not like the other girls he’s been with. I really love him with all my heart. I got this. I’m a strong woman, right?

Then I found myself walking on eggshells. Reminding myself not to say this or not to bring up that. Not to tell him about that time I went to a festival with friends or he might think that I’m reminiscing about an old boyfriend, and for God’s sake don’t mention another man's name. Did I hide all of my old photos? Don’t talk too much about old times when a friend comes over or it will give him ammunition to start an argument. I know that as soon as they step out the door he will start picking at me and even before they walk out that door the anxiety will kick in. I hope to hell and back that no one tags me in anything on Facebook right now. He will pick at pieces of the stories I talked and laughed about. They’re nothing more than reminiscing with an old friend like normal people do but he will turn them into something much more. He will twist and turn, pick and poke until suddenly he’s imagined a whole completely different narrative of what actually took place. Did I put my phone on silent mode? If I get a message it will set him right off. Actually no, second thoughts, if my phone is on silent and he checks it then he will accuse me of hiding something. Shit! Please God keep the phone quiet. Now suddenly I’m a tramp, the town bike, the whore that goes anywhere with anyone and gives them a good time. Why? Why does he do that? What the hell is happening? Is it because he can’t stand the thought of me having a good time without him even though it was before we met? Is it because he loves me so much that he can’t stand to think about me with other guys? Or is it just because he wants to start a fight so that he has an excuse to be angry with me and go out to do whatever he damn well wants? To deal out an act of paranoid revenge, because that’s exactly what he always does. Perhaps it’s all three or something completely different, I’ll never know. As I try to fit all his puzzle pieces together I end up completely turning myself inside out trying to see the picture. Do I see a picture? Or do I simply see a pattern emerging? I’m too confused. Now that I am a mess and shaken from what the hell just happened, I need to call him and talk this through. We can’t leave things like this, I need to assure him it’s got nothing to do with another guy. I need to make him realise that he’s the love of my life and there’s no one else. Why doesn’t he answer his phone? Where is he? What is he doing? And with who? He can’t treat me this way, he’s not getting away with this. I’ll find out, I’ll sort this out. I’m not going to be the pitied laughing stock of the town because I’m a strong woman, right?

That fateful day soon came to find me. The one that had been lurking around in my subconscious. The one I had buried and chosen never to think about. The day those hopeful words in my head “Yeah he gets angry but he’d never hurt me like that”, fell right off the page of my happy ever after story. His mask had been slipping and I never wanted to see what was truly underneath, trying to patch it up with bandaids and expensive glue. Trying to pretend to everyone else that everything was fine. But this day it was unsalvageable. By the time this day was upon me I was too embarrassed to leave. All the ‘I told you so’s’ and what would people think or say? Because I’m a strong woman, right? How the hell did I end up here?

What that day brought to me was the start of something so violent, so toxic and so emotionally damaging that I became unrecognisable to my own self. In the end it seemed like I wasn’t even living in real life anymore. In love with the perfect man one minute and in a living hell with a narcissistic sociopathic monster the next. Trying to convince everyone else that everything was fine, you don’t just give up on your family, because I’m a strong woman, right? Wrong! It doesn’t get better, it gets worse and one day, unlike me, you may not be so lucky to make it out, alive.

If you are reading this right now and it resonates with your current situation, I cannot stress the hell enough, let him leave! Let him have his little tantrum. Let him gaslight and make up whatever little story he wants to make himself feel better and let him walk right out that door. Be sure to lock it on his way out too. Yes he’s going to tell everyone that you’re too jealous or paranoid or that old chestnut ‘crazy’. Yes it will hurt, yes you will see him with other girls and yes it will be infuriating but you know what? You can do it, you got this, because you’re a strong woman, right? You deserve better!

*I would like to say that I acknowledge both men and women can be both victims and perpetrators of domestic violence. I do not place opinions on anyone suffering a domestic violence situation. I realise that everyone has their own circumstances, challenges and obstacles in their particular situation. This is merely a small part of my story - The signs and red flags that I saw, that I ignored and that I ultimately suffered. I only hope that by sharing this small part of my story I can help people recognise red flags and realise that these behaviours are not ok, on either side of a relationship, so that they can assess their situation and ultimately avoid physical violence and acute emotional/mental/financial abuse before it’s too late.