I Lost My Damn Mind

On November 14th at 3 AM I was desperately trying to fall asleep. I hadn’t been able to sleep for many many years. In fact sometimes the pain was so severe that I would stay awake for 2-3 days at a time. I remember realizing that I was not able to control my actions. Every time I passed an item I would have to rearrange everything in a newer better manner. Finally I was so exhausted that I started knocking items off the counters and onto the floor. I knew physically that I would not be able to pick it up due to the many disabilities that plague my body. I’ve been closely managing my health for the past 18 years to try and have a resemblance of a life. I was living day to day more miserable than the last. I was forced to retire because I couldn’t remember how to do my job. In an effort to manage my health better I discontinued use of heavy dose pain killers to using medical marijuana. I’ve never really used it before other than a puff or two. I felt alive when I smoked it. No more pain, nausea and more energy. I was actually able to go shopping, make dinner, take a shower and clean up my house. I got it in my head that more is better. When I couldn’t control racing thoughts, nor stop myself I knew I needed to get help. My phone was dead, I live out in the country and it was the coldest night on record for the year, around 5 degrees.

It was dark and way too cold to venture out for help. I said a prayer and collapsed in my bed. I awakened to extreme thirst and a desire to look for help. I checked outside and it was considerably warmer. I couldn’t figure out as to how I could get dressed so I did my best. The 2 dogs in the neighborhood walked with me as I trekked to my 86-year-old neighbor named Mary. I made it to her house, told her I needed help and to please call one of my sisters and a brother. The last place I expected to be was a psych ward in a hospital treatment center. The facility had a veteran unit, drug and alcohol, and lastly a behavioral ward. I had always had a fear I would lose my mind since mental illness was prevalent in my family. I spent one of the best weeks of my life in this place. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar 1 with severe mania and depression. I’m 58 years old and this is the first time I’ve ever heard this before. She told me I’ve probably had it my entire life. WTF! How is that even possible? I was placed on a medication that I receive once a month as an injection. Life seems so much easier and I’m enjoying myself more than I have in almost 20 years. Music has and continued to be healing for me. The facility used music and dance as part of our therapy. I’m learning how to use music to relax and/or energize myself. I also use it for meditating.