“I Hate My Hair So Much”, Says My Low Self-Esteem

For someone with rapid and constant mood changes like me, going out or doing things outside is a powerful and efficient coping mechanism. Now that we are in lockdown, even if I am 100% aware and understand that this is for our best, it has been so difficult for me.

The Sign that I Am Not Doing Well

Though I still try to do a bit of exercise and walk out around where I live, the ups and downs are more obvious. One of the signs that I am not doing well is ‘I stop taking shower’. My husband and Anya (mom in law) persuaded me to take Kira out. But I said no. I looked at my Period Tracker app,

“Today is supposed to be the first day of Aunt Flow, great!”.

It made everything worse.

After they left the flat, I looked at the clock, it was 11-ish AM. The sun was shining as if nothing happened. The green leaves were waving beautifully as if summer was already here. The universe goes on as if humans did not exist. “How trivial I am!” I thought.

I felt hungry, so I managed to gather my leftover strength (yeah, even sleeping can be tiring for me). I got up, but my hair got stuck under the pillow. I pulled it out, and realized that I had not washed it for about 4 days. It was dull and greasy. I went to the bathroom, and looked in the mirror. It had grown so long. The last time I got a haircut was when I was pregnant 37 weeks. Kira is now 7 months. Before the lockdown, I wanted to get it done, but I just had no time. Then the lockdown happened. I completely lost a sense of time and myself.

The Ramble of Low Self Esteem

My hair always reminds me of my battle with compliments and how low my self-esteem was. Whenever I wanted to get a haircut, I was always so unsure. “Should I? Should I not? What do you think?”, I always had to ask around.

When I was pregnant, the rise of female hormones made my skin and hair glow. But, 3 months after childbirth, I suffered from bad hair loss, just like other postnatal mothers. Hair loss after baby can really make a woman insecure. My self-esteem was once again torn down. I heard some people said to me, “When are you going to cut your hair?” I ended up saying, “I’m going to let it grow long, and donate it”, in which I did before to this wonderful charity, Little Princess Trust, to help kids who are unfortunately battling with cancer. Some part of it was because I wanted to be a useful human being by sharing what God gave me, but definitely it was NOT to make myself a generous person. It was just a safe answer.

Growing up, I never liked my hair. I wanted my hair to be lighter, a bit brown, a bit wavier. I saw some grown-ups dye their hair, pink, blue, brown. To me, they looked cool and pretty, they still do. It sends a message to me that you are comfortable with whatever color you have. Also, a freedom of self-expression. I always believe that I will achieve a genuine happiness if I can reach the highest and truest expression of myself.

So, I wanted to dye my hair, but never got the chance to do it. I only had so little for my basic needs, hair color product never made it in the list. Plus, in the place I grew up, at that time, dying your hair with different color other than black/dark was considered ‘naughty’. And now, even taking care of the basic need of my hair can be challenging when I am not in the mood. I just want to make my life less complicated.

The Low Self Esteem Reminder

Then, I met this drunk girl in Germany, whom I accidentally encountered in a train station in Frankfurt while waiting for my connecting train. I wanted to use the public toilet at the station, but it was closed, perhaps because it was in the middle of the night. The girl and her friend were by chance going there too. I turned around as soon as I realized the toilet door was locked. That’s how we caught on each other.

“The toilet is closed. Do you know if there is another one around here?”, I asked.

“Ah don’t worry, we will help you open the door”, One of them confidently replied.

Before I got a chance to ask how. They went straight to the exit door next to the entrance and both pulled the exit door. I was amazed at how determined these drunk girls were. They must have wanted to wee so bad after all the alcohol they drank! Once we were all in, we went our separate way to use the toilet. We came out almost at the same time, and used the sink and the mirror to fix our appearance.

Suddenly, she commented on me, “OMG, you look like Pocahontas!”

I just spontaneously replied, “How??”

“Your hair! It’s long, thick, shinning, and so dark!”

I laughed, thanked and wished them a good night, then left. Even though it was a brief encounter, it made me think about the rest of other people who had said similar thing to me. Sometimes, I believe what drunk people say, because alcohol can actually enhance their real personality, or thought about something and someone. Goodhearted happy people usually become fun when they are drunk. People with a lot of bitterness and pain can be mean, aggressive and even violent.

The Discomfort and The Safe Place of Low Self-Esteem

I received compliments from friends and even total strangers like the drunk girl, on how beautiful and shining my hair was. Often they asked me what I used, what I did to my hair etc. I usually gave them a safe answer, genetics . Being born with good genetics is like winning a lottery. You get it because you are lucky. And, it’s not an accomplishment. Therefore, I don’t need to feel proud of it. I really never did anything to it, the only thing I did was tying it up in a ponytail or leaving it just like it is.

Anya took me to her hairdresser for a haircut when we visited Remi’s family for Christmas. The hairdresser lady loved my hair, complimented it and asked me some more questions, like where I come from, what I was doing in Romania, etc. I was happy she asked me questions, she distracted me from looking at my face in the mirror. Normally, I would use my smartphone to bury my shame, in many situations, like this one. Again, it’s a safe place.

I didn’t like to be a fussy customer, so I always asked for basic when it comes to saloon service. It’s more like, “I just want to get it done, and disappear”. I hated mirror in general, it always made me wonder, “Where is that beautiful hair they always talk about? I fucking can’t see it!”.

She cut my hair the way I wanted (just to trim the split bottom of it). I was happy with it, that’s it. After she was done, she asked,

“Is there anything else you want me to do with your hair? I have plenty of time until my next client. You have such beautiful hair, I just want to do more on it. I don’t want your husband to wonder what you had done at the saloon, if he can’t see anything different”.

It was very unexpected. I did not know what to respond. I just thought she was pulling a marketing gimmick to make me spend more money in her saloon.

“What if I braid your hair?”, she continued.

My mother in law and I were not in rush. So, “Sure.” I said.

“I won’t charge you any fee. It’s my Christmas gift for you”, she added.

I never really did anything fancy on my hair, so she really made my day because I ended up loving the cute braid!

Being served made me uncomfortable. It really poked me as someone with high self-entitlement. Self-entitlement is a big NO for me.

Receiving compliments felt like getting unwanted tickles. I smiled or laughed but didn’t enjoy it. I wanted the nice words to stop. I didn’t want to hear it. Instead of feeling flattered, I felt incredibly uncomfortable. I couldn’t tell if they meant it, they wanted something from me, or they just felt sorry for me. Later I realized that it wasn’t the self-entitlement I was feared, I grew up very poor, so the idea of self-entitlement did not exist at all in my head. It was the shame that I didn’t deserve anything good.

The Practice of Self Love

It took years to finally learn how to accept myself. It took a lot of practice to love myself. One big moment of that practice was when my kindhearted friend, Sandra, gave me a massive birthday gift by taking me to a photoshoot.

This time, the makeup artist asked me how I wanted to look like, and which part of my face I wanted to highlight. It was so hard just to say, “I wanted to highlight my eyes and lips. Oh, and I want my hair to look wavy”. This time I wanted to get out of my comfort zone, wavy hair it is!

During the photoshoot, I did not know what to do, how to pose. I even forgot how to smile. The photographer had to remind me to smile. She guided me to look natural. I just felt so exposed, and uncomfortable with myself. Then, the photographer said, “You got such as beautiful smile!”

I was just, “Oh!” Didn’t see that coming.

Later, I picked some photos I liked, and I was blown away at how different I was, compared to what I thought I looked like. Of course, it was the makeup, the camera, the dress, and some other touch up. But, among all those add-ons, I surely looked different because I dared to be seen.

Back to the morning I got up. I took a shower, washed my hair, and caressed it with hair mask. I put on a light makeup, wore my earrings and nice outfit. I enjoyed every minute of it. The self care. My body and I deserve love and kindness.

By the time I finished everything, Remi and Anya had gone back home from a short walk with Kira. Then, asked him for a lockdown date in the corner garden of our flat. He took this video for me. And, I loved it. I love myself.