I Finally Found The Answers!

Trigger Warning: Emotional Abuse

Disclaimer: This discusses the questions I've had as an emotional abuse victim and the answers I've found. Mentions of the experience may be present, but brief. If this were a movie, I would give this a PG rating, but I recognize that particularly in the early phases of healing, even the slightest mention can trigger painful recollection, but the intent of this is to facilitate healing not prevent it.

Today was the day! It finally all clicked. The questions that had been keeping my emotional wounds gently oozing have finally been answered and my scars may still be raised and garish, but they finally feel sealed because I understand. I was watching a YouTube video while eating breakfast called "Inside the Mind of an Emotional Abuser," and while I forget who it was by, these take-aways from it are my own.

Going through each question I had:

I have fond memories of the beginning of the relationship where he was sweet as a fairytale. Did he change throughout the relationship, was I blind at the start, or was I too harsh in my end realization?

The last part of that question shows just how deeply the manipulation affected me. Even 3 years after it ended, I still wonder if I was to blame, if I misjudged him the way he told me I was, if he was right and I was wrong. I may never shake that fully. However, when I step back from the damaged and twisted subconscious, it's quite clear that no, I was not too harsh. The wreck that is my mangled psyche is evidence that I most assuredly was accurate in my characterization.

Even accepting that, as I have for a while now, I've struggled between the two remaining options. Did he genuinely love me at the start or was I dumb and naive? Perhaps, that question is still a more subtle manifestation of the instinctual self-doubt that lingers from years of gaslighting, but the idea he loved me like he said he did makes even less sense than the idea that I should have seen through it! As much as I wish it didn't, this has wracked my soul for years.

Now, I have an answer. I was not blind or dumb or naive. He believed his words as much as I did. That's why to this day, he probably blames me. That's why, without speaking to him, I know he still sees no fault in himself. Nevertheless, I have learned what he will never be able to admit. He never loved me, nor do I think he could love anyone but himself. I'm not saying he's a narcissist, a psychopath, or has some other Category B mental disorder. I'm not qualified enough to diagnose him with that and I refuse to stigmatize mental illness by labeling him with a disease just because he hurt me. (Side note: with proper talk therapy and treatment, narcissistic personality disorder, anti-social personality disorder, or any other personality disorder can be managed and does not make the sufferer evil or undeserving of love.) However, it is clear to me that he loved the idea of me, loved his ability to woo me, and loved the praise and affection I gave him far more than any part of me.

It is that nuance that made it so hard to see. Because I felt my affection was a reflection of me, I thought he saw my identity and loved it too. He saw me as a representation of his accomplishments in being able to attain a loving partner, and in loving what I represented to him, thought he loved me too. The only thing that could open my eyes to this was time, because the only way to separate two things that look the same, is to put them in a different light. I wasn't blind, nor did he change, but as with all things, time revealed truth.

Why? Just why? Why would he do this to me?

One trait that makes a good politician and a good business man is to see everything as a zero-sum game you have to win. This trait, however, makes you a terrible romantic partner. He looked at our relationship the way he did everything in life, a means to an end of satisfaction. In other areas it was amusing. Jokes like, "I'm never wrong, because if I am, I change my opinion to be right," are far less funny now and his expectation of achieving academic excellence with ease that was once endearingly encouraging, now seems far more revealing.

Through his eyes the world was his oyster, but if he wanted the pearl, he couldn't let anyone else have it. Success was comparative. If someone else had it better than him, he was failing. If someone else was happy, he deserved it more. His wants and needs seemed to him as finite resources that couldn't be shared, which is why my wants and needs were a mere nuisance. In his twisted mind, if I loved him, I wouldn't want or need anything at all, so that he could gobble up every pearl he could dream. In fact, I was just another pearl. A trophy to show that he was suave and charming enough to accomplish the task that was obtaining an attractive servant. Where I was willing to compromise, he saw no room for it, which is how he was able to weaponize my charity and kindness.

Couldn't he see that I was hurting?

Yeah, probably. He wasn't an idiot (although, it would have been better if he was). It just didn't matter though. The more I hurt, the more he realized he could lose. There wasn't a place where you could both be happy. Through his eyes, if I gained some level of contentment and control in my life, he would lose all contentment and control in his.

Did this all change him? Open his eyes to his flaws?

I hope so, but I doubt it. However, similarly to his approach to me when we were together, I just don't care anymore. I've said my piece for now, and it's out where he can see it. If you stumble across this finally see the cruel oddity that all this is and decide you want to apologize, you know where to find me and am ready to accept it (but that does not mean I will leave the life I have now for your benefit nor that I will pretend these things didn't happen, only that I will no longer have malice towards you). If not, I really don't care, because right now, I'm "winning." I'm happy and free and becoming more so by the day. If you don't think there's enough for the both of us, I will happily take it all to share with those I love and who love me too.