How to Stop People Pleasing

One day in my childhood, I decided that I would be the source of everyone's happiness. There was a guilt so perfectly fashioned in my chest. Yet, I'd been oblivious to the fact that it never even belonged to me. For years all I wanted was to be seen, loved, and heard. The majority of my life was fueled by the desire to be loved. This took me down many dark paths that bring me shame to this day. There is grace in my deliverance, however. A moment that I can breathe. Only I always come back to the shame. Always. This same shame gave me the motivation to discover who it truly belonged to. I have been an astronomical part of my downfall. While I am aware of this now, I did not get myself to this point alone. I had the help of so many, only now in adulthood it is my responsibility to mend these broken pieces of my life. No, it isn't fair, but it is necessary.

The first toxic relationship I've ever entered into was with myself. So, in order to receive the love, I'd been so exhaustedly begging for, I became the yes man in every social circle I'd been a part of. In my mind if it meant I wasn't alone I would be okay. Sometimes loneliness is a healing silence. We often fear being alone only forgetting that in those moments we can discover so much about ourselves. There is so much meaning to a season encompassed by productive isolation.

When I unplugged from the world, none of the people who I had bent over backwards for came to find me. I don't want to be doted over. In fact, my disappearance had a lot more to do with me than them. However, I realized that my presence was only valuable when I was consistently available and willing to disrespect myself to suit the needs of others. It was a crushing reality that I still struggle to sit with. However, it motivated me to unlearn the toxic patterns that have earned me the title of "selfish." As a people pleaser that is a word that used to sting but its meaning has truly changed for me. If selfish means that for once I put myself first, then I will bask in the light that is selfishness. First, we must talk about the signs that you may be driving down the familiar road of people pleasing.

People Pleasing Tendencies

• Finding it hard to say no
• Agreeing to plans or circumstances that you know will leave you stressed or that you don't necessarily have the time for
• The inability or fear of advocating for your own needs
• Holding your opinion or being agreeable in an attempt diminish confrontation
• Allowing consistent inconsistency within relationships or friendships (Ex: Taking an ex back with a verbal apology with no change behaviorally)
• You feel as if you're always given yet never on the receiving end of grace or compassion
• Self-doubt
• Feeling as though it is wrong to be or that you can never truly be yourself
• Chronic apologizing/ Over explaining
• Being easily taken advantage of

These are only a few of the ways in which a people pleaser may continue to disrespect not only themselves but others as well. When you fall into this pattern you are manipulating others into thinking that you are a version of yourself based upon the way you want them to percevie you, not based upon who you truly are. This can lead to problems with self identity. Give yourself grace as we continue on, talking about some of the root causes of people pleasing tendencies.

Causes of People Pleasing

• Trauma
• Personality Disorders
• Low Self Worth/ Self Esteem
• Conflict Avoidance
• Childhood Experiences

Now we can start talking about how to rebuild a life for ourselves where we can be truly free of this people pleasing weight. This road is not one that can be driven in two days. Healing takes time. Be patient and gracious to yourself in this time.

Remedies

• Practice saying no
• Cultivate firm boundaries and learn to be okay with people becoming frustrated by them
• Allow yourself time to marinate on a decision rather than saying yes up front
• Reframe limiting beliefs (How can you shift the negative thoughts you have about yourself into something positive?)
• Understand when and why the people pleasing started
• Stop explaining yourself unless it is absolutely necessary
• Practice assertive (respectful) communication
• Lower your expectations of how others should be or what you would have done
• Practice self love/self care
• Accept that confrontation is a part of life, and it is only temporary
• Find a good therapist

Takeaway

People pleasing doesn't have to haunt your life. I am still on this rocky journey myself. While I've made incredible progress, I still stuggle just like everyone else. Take care of yourselves today. Accept that it is okay to choose you.