How To Save a Life~From Suicide

She told me she was suicidal. But I was prepared. You will be too.

By Brooke Kochel RNPublished 4 years ago • 7 min read

***If you're having suicidal thoughts right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800–273–8255***

If a loved one told you today they were suicidal, what would you do? What would you say? As a nurse and a sister touched by suicide, I share this story to prepare you. No one wants to talk about it, so I will. We’ve all heard the expression ‘a cry for help’. I’ll explain what ‘help’ really looks like in real-time. So when the cries come, our shoulders will be ready.

Fridays aren’t always fun

It was a busy Friday at the hospital. But all Fridays are busy in my world. I was a surgery nurse and people like surgery on Fridays so they have the weekend to recover. So I had on my best running shoes. “Wear your roller skates,” they say. There’s no time for handholding a scared patient. No time for lunch. No bathroom breaks. And certainly no time for drama.

I sprinted to the nurse’s station and a fellow nurse sat down beside me. I’m friendly with her, but we’re not friends.

“I’m sorry about you brother-in-law,” she said.

That shook me a little. Shook me back into my personal reality. At work, it’s easy to run for 12 hours and not think about ‘that thing’ you’re trying to forget. People need you. People are bleeding. They’re in pain. They could die if you drop the ball. It’s an escape if that’s what you’re looking for.

And this month, I was. My brother-in-law had just committed suicide. It was a shock and a disappointment. And all the things you feel when someone you love takes their own life. I know the questions by heart. Or assumptions, I should say.

I give an answer on autopilot: “Yes, it’s so sad. No, we had no idea.”

“There were no money problems; he’s a doctor.
There were no family problems; he has a loving wife and two great kids.
There was no mental health history; he wasn’t drinking or using drugs.”

But then I add the empathic part. Not because it sounds good, but because it was true.

“I’m mad. But I’m not judging him. I can’t even begin to comprehend the kind of pain he must have been feeling to leave his sweet family behind.”

I rattled off the speech, appreciative of the acknowledgment but eager to get back to my patients. The fluorescent lights beamed down into my sore eyes. I could have thrown a dart in any direction and hit an impatient family member demanding answers. This was hardly the place to be having an intimate discussion of this nature. It wasn’t tea at a friend’s house. Our work desensitizes us to that sort of decency. We see private body parts of strangers for a living, after all.

But amidst the swirling healthcare chaos all around me, she said something that made time stand still. I’m sure the call lights were still beeping and oxygen alarms still dinging. I’m sure the air was still astringent with the smell of both rubbing alcohol and a bedside commode. A dichotomous odor that screams both sterility and filth. Yes, I’m quite positive the world I knew was still spinning, but I noticed none of it when she flatly said,

“I can relate to his pain. I’m suicidal right now.”

This is not a drill. I repeat…

I didn’t have time to think. I’m sure I took a deep breath of that stale air and composed myself. But if one inhalation and one exhalation are all you have, you better know ahead of time what you’re going to say. I hadn’t thought about what I might say to someone who is suicidal exactly. But I had thought painstakingly about what I could have done differently with my brother-in-law. I knew firsthand the pain it caused.

I stayed calm. She was obviously in a downward spiral. Taking me down with her was no good to either of us. But I had no context. I couldn’t very well get her help with no reference point.

I remained present and simply asked,

“What’s going on?”

Safety first

In an emergency, you must first make sure the area is safe. In CPR, we’re trained to quickly scan the area for danger. You don’t want to go headfirst into a dangerous situation and end up with two victims instead of one. This situation is no different. Access to guns and having suicidal thoughts are a deadly mix. Gunowners are the most likely to carry out a successful suicide. Other things to be mindful of are sharp objects or misused medications. Keep a phone nearby in case you need to call for help. I was in a public place with immediate access to emergency care, so I knew we were safe.

Talk is cheap

You never know what might be someone’s last straw. With the pandemic dragging on, there are more people suffering now than ever. Being proactive with the people you care about is always a good practice. When depression hits, withdrawal from friends, family, and favorite activities is the most common sign. They are least likely to pick up a phone when they most need it. You don’t need to give advice, you only need to be present and listen.

Her strife involved relationship issues. I wouldn’t give her marital advice but I could listen and empathize. “I’m so sorry you’re going through that right now” goes a long way. She had stories. She had pain. And she wanted to share it with someone. I was that someone; I listened. Also, I got her talking. I created dialog.

She was laser-focused on the negative. But I happen to know she has a daughter. There had been a wedding. There was the prospect of grandkids in the future. I refocused her energy on the positives. I reminded her of who she loved and who loved her. I had her name her children and her family members and reminded her how heartbroken she would leave them. I drew from my personal experience. I knew firsthand how hurt those left bereft from suicide are. I didn’t sugarcoat it either.

I said all the things I’d say if my brother-in-law were standing in front of me. But we all have experience with loss. Think about who you’ve lost and what you might do for just one more day with them. Authenticity is important if you’re going to be persuasive.

I also gave solutions. Not advice, but I gave her concrete steps to take. We talked about the many medications for depression and anxiety. Even if she had tried some and they hadn’t worked, there were always others. We talked about therapy. I offered to help her find a doctor and a therapist. I keep a list on my phone of community resources. Do a simple online search. Find phone numbers for local psychiatric help. An emergency room is always available, but it might not be the best solution.

Lights, camera, ACTION

Talking is helpful, but there must be action. The immediate future and their safety is the only concern now. Fixing relationship problems can wait and take time. The immediate logistics are what matters. Where will this person be for the next 24 hours? Who will be with them? Will they be safe?

I made a plan with her. I had her list safe places she could go and people she could call. I made her promise she would tell me her plan before she left. Promises or pacts are something I learned in nursing school. Inpatient psych facilities use them. The patient signs an agreement stating they will not harm themselves in the next 24 hours. I made her promise she wouldn’t harm herself until she saw me tomorrow. One night is all I asked for; baby steps. They may not feel they can manage an entire lifetime feeling this way, but they could make it one more day.

Two shoulders to cry on are better than one

I left and tried to pull myself together. This situation cracked a wound wide open and there was no stuffing it all back in. My first instinct was to keep it private, a secret. Someone had confided in me and I had a duty not to tell. But when someone tells you they are suicidal, it’s NEVER a secret. They are reaching out for help. You must give it to them.

Asking for help is always a healthy thing to do. My daughter’s school asks students to write down the names of trusted adults. If something makes them uncomfortable, they know who to turn to. I would ask the same of you. Jot down five people in your life and keep their contact info handy.

First, I went to a wise, older nurse. We decided together to get our hospital management and chaplain involved. In the community, a clergy member from the person’s local faith organization is a great place to turn. Faith and prayer can make a big difference in a person needing solace.

The last step for me was to let it go. We had implemented appropriate interventions. I couldn’t carry this burden or the outcome with me. I had done my best. Letting go wasn't easy or automatic. I had my own processing of emotions to do. But in time, I found peace knowing my own tragedy had prepared me to save another’s life. It was healing in its own way.

The takeaways

I hope this story painted a memorable picture. So it will be easier to recall if you should ever need to use it. I hope you never will. But being hopeful doesn’t mean we can’t be prepared.