How to be Invisible

From the time I was born, I was different. I was put into a world I never belonged in. My name is Luna, and not only do I have Asperger’s Syndrome, but I am an empath. As a child, I faced so many obstacles and the first was not being able to speak correctly. For the first ten years of my life, I was put through speech therapy and special education classes. It was the late 70’s and early to mid-80’s and Asperger’s did not even have a name yet. I was always was the outsider looking in where no one understood me and the one and only friend I ever had was Meredith. I met her when I was 6 years old in kindergarten. The only one in my life who not only accepted my weirdness but embraced it. I never had to pretend to be someone I was not and even when I had my random acts of waving at strangers like a crazy person or hopping around a grocery store yelling “BUNNY, BUNNY!! HOP, HOP, HOP!” Which I may say embarrassed my little sister the most, Meredith always seemed to be in her mode of “alright here she goes again but it will pass.”

Being an empath on top of the weirdness made it more difficult because not only do I feel every single emotion good or bad, but I absorb all of them from other people. Some call me a lightworker but I call it a curse. When you have an Autism spectrum disorder that affects your social interaction skills and then you put having the abilities of an empath on top of it there is only one way I can describe it. Become invisible. It is quite an overwhelming feeling when people look at me and I am so different no one wants to interact with me.

For the last 10 years, I have become totally isolated from society. I never leave my house, I have no friends, well not in a physical sense anyway. If I can get away with having things delivered I do it because of how overwhelming everything in society is. I am screaming inside at times because of how this world has become. So much anger and hate in the world and I absorb it all and it is a sickening feeling. So, I had to learn to become invisible.

People do not understand it. I have people telling me all kinds of assumptions that I am a snob, or I am too good and the number one statement that I get told is that I live in fear. No one understands what it feels like to know you live in a world you know you do not belong in. No one understands what it is like to have this invisible superpower of feeling the emotions of the entire world.

I have never been one to conform to society and I can honestly say I am a total rebel. I always had my own truths and morals of how things should be and because I do not conform, and I fight against it. I am not accepted, nor do I fit in, I am quite okay with this and have come to feel comfortable in my total hermit isolation. People tend to look at it as my way of hiding but I see it as a drama free life. It is hard at times being so invisible even when I am not in hiding so they say. It’s hard knowing that no matter how hard you try to fit in, you never will.

Here I sit at 47 years old. Alone. I lost hope a long time ago that maybe one day I would ever fit into a world that is overrun by conformity that I now embrace being invisible. It’s okay and I know that society can not define me or change me. This is how to be Invisible.