How he took my Innocence

I was laying in the back seat of a strangers car passed out from the endless amounts of shots I had just consumed. The car was moving and I had no idea where it was headed. I could barely open my eyes. The car parked and someone got in the back. I felt my shorts go down to my ankles only to look up and see him standing there. I started to jokingly say "No stop." and "I'm way too drunk". He didn't care. Next my underwear were pulled off. That's when it got real. I started to kick him away from me. My body felt limp. I could barely move my leg let alone my whole body. His hands were trying to hold me down. I struggled trying to move away. I felt his hand push down on my neck. All the blood rushed to my head. I looked up through the sun roof wondering when it would just stop. If I kept struggling he would hurt me more so I had to just give up. I couldn't even open my mouth after it was over. I just stayed silent and looked out my window. It was such a nice summer evening out but all I could focus on was the bad in that day. No amount of rainbows or pretty sunsets could take away this feeling of shame and guilt I had. We drove past little kids playing outside, and I remember thinking how I would never go back to that genuine and innocent little girl I once was. Two days after the assault I finally left my bed. Its been a month and I still can't feel normal again. I scrub myself twice in the shower just hoping I can get rid of the places his hands were. I see boys with similar features in public and my stomach drops. It feels never ending. Pictures of me as a kid make me feel so ashamed. I let that little girl down. She was full of joy and happiness and now I can't be happy even when I should be having fun. I keep my head down and try to avoid eye contact with anyone. The way people look at me feels different. It's like they know. It's like every person that looks me in my eyes is just ashamed. Life feels so dull as if it lost it's meaning. I know there is so much more I have to experience but I feel so disconnected from everything. It's not my fault, yet I convince myself it is. Was it because I didn't try hard enough? Or because I was too drunk? Maybe if I had been responsible and not drank so much that wouldn't have happened to me. But no, none of those things gave him permission to take advantage of me. I hope someday I can fully move forward and get better. No matter how hard I try to blame it on myself it wasn't my fault. It might feel as if he took my innocence and purity away from me, but I can't let him bring me down. As the amazing Maya Angelou once said "i can be changed by what happens to me, but i refuse to be reduced by it". I believe that is something we all need to live by. My rape doesn't define me. The best part is I get to choose who I want to be moving forward. I could give up and just drown myself in sorrow and pity, but I can't let down the little girl I once was. I am a survivor not a victim and I can not let this take me down.

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