How Does Executive Dysfunction Impact Me?

Executive functioning issues are the most common and obvious symptoms of ADHD, and they typically appear on the surface of our "ADHD Iceberg". This is because teachers identify or at least try to identify this early on in schooling, as it is crucial for success with anything. If you're like me, you didn't know you were on the spectrum until you were an adult, and now, you look back at the many wasted years trying to figure yourself out. I don't like that it has taken me this long to finally stop giving up on myself. I don't know why it has taken that long, except to say that my mental health has had and always will have a major impact on my executive function.

It's interesting though, because the funny thing is, if it's something like singing, or writing, or being creative, making art or videos, I am so there and I will be focused on that for hours and enjoy the process of creating something so beautiful and fun. The thing is, most people don't get jobs as an artist or creative type anymore, so that is saved for hobbies or a long term plan of some sort (which I'm terrible at writing so). At first, I thought I wanted to do Tiktok and Youtube. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm not sure about a lot of social media right now to be honest, but that's not why this is so difficult for me.

I grew up in a household as the youngest of three, and one sibling dropped out of school and became homeless for a bit, the other sibling worked hard, got straight As, and did everything her parents wanted. Then, there was me. Despite being the youngest, I've always felt caught in the middle of things, between those two extremes. I've done everything everyone wanted before, but I wasn't happy, because it wasn't what I wanted, it's what my parents wanted for me. So, then I decided to start living for myself. Speed up 5-6 years, and here I am, still as clueless as I was then, with an even more difficult time handling my executive functioning during the day.

For a lot of people with ADHD, I know low self-esteem plays a huge factor in this, because I have personally felt that way a lot. When you have low self-esteem, you begin thinking that you CAN'T do things, that maybe you should just give in. I lived a lot of my life like that, and it's tiring. I'd like to start living my life the other way; the way where I work hard and become successful and do everything I ever wanted in this life. Everyone deserves that chance, and yet we still live in a society where it is extremely difficult to live that kind of life, which is honestly kind of sad.

Why did I decide to ramble about this today? Well, executive function, I believe, is my most difficult obstacle. I know there are techniques and ways to help myself, and I know exactly how to do it. The thing with executive functioning is that if you feel like you aren't ready, you won't allow yourself to do whatever it is you need to get done. I have found sometimes even that I couldn't even get my work done one day because some chore needed to be done and it would bother me all day if I didn't do that first and THEN work. But of course, I could always have an energy crash, and fall asleep halfway through the day. (I've had excessive daytime sleepiness a lot before).

Executive dysfunction for persons with ADHD feels like there's a big roadblock there, but there's really nothing there. Instead, we criticize ourselves so much that we start believing the lies that we tell ourselves. We aren't failures. I'm not a failure. You're not a failure. I feel like one sometimes, and sometimes I feel like my life is completely different from what I thought it would be, but I still have to move forward; I'm going to try my best.