How Childhood Neglect Impacts Adults

Today, I wanted to take the time to talk about something that is really important to me: childhood neglect and abuse. For the longest time in my life, I felt the need to justify what happened to me, to think "well, it's my fault", or "there's something wrong with me", or "my parents aren't terrible people maybe I'm just imagining my mistreatment". The thing is, the older I've gotten, the more I've learned of the complex impacts of childhood neglect and abuse. It's not always easy to detect because we are confused as kids; we don't know that what's being done to us is wrong. The families where this happens are sometimes the kinds of families that look alright from the outside world, but instead are deeply hurting. That's what my experience with childhood neglect and abuse was like. I was isolated in my room a lot, a witnessed physical abuse, and listened to arguments constantly. Even though my whole life I was trying so hard to just find my way, the thing is, my family never gave me the support I needed to succeed, so then I turned into this:

A 36 year old woman with no children, divorced, teetering a complicated relationship that has caused some very hard times for the last several years, someone who taught in the public schools as an English teacher because my parents forced me to pick a career, and they said none of the ambitions I had could be taken seriously. They laughed and scoffed at my dreams of being a creative performer, making music, writing, creating art. I wanted to travel and actually go to underprivileged countries in Africa and help people. That was initially what I told my parents when I was 17. I said, I don't want to go to college, I want to do this.

You want to know the messed up thing? Instead of seeing the world, potentially saving money and learning to be an independent woman and an inspiring humanitarian, I became a broke 36 year old woman who has STILL never been on a plane before, doesn't have a passport, and is about to go default on her student loans from way back in college, because she can't afford to make the payments. A couple of years ago I had to file bankruptcy and the terrible thing about that is student loans are not allowed to be settled in bankruptcy court, so bankruptcy didn't save me from debt, it just gave me a little bit less debt and still left me with the student loan problem to handle on my own. (spoiler alert: I haven't solved that problem as of yet because money)

I did my service as a teacher for 9 years and never ever qualified for the public student loan forgiveness because I didn't work in a school that was underprivileged enough. I always thought "what does working in a low income school have to do with my debt?". It's like saying--if you work this shit job for 10 years, sure we'll forgive everything. That's not fair to the other borrowers who got jobs at semi decent schools, and even those schools are NOT what they should be. Now I'm going on a tangent. Anyway, the point is, nobody taught me HOW to navigate this thing called life, and that's a huge reason why I am where I am.

Additionally, I think a lot of us have this coping mechanism of avoiding self improvement, and purposely not taking care of ourselves. Because our parents and caregivers ignored us and never truly took the time to get to know us and teach us about life, we don't take care of our physical and mental health the way we should. I'm openly admitting this; I have not been to the dentist in years. Not only because of the high cost of dental work, but because my coping mechanism has been to neglect myself. You become so used to a pattern that you continue the cycle because it's all you've known. You blame yourself for all of the misery, you have a low self-esteem, and you never truly ever feel in your entire life like you have the support you need, even from your significant other.

If you are someone out there who has experienced childhood abuse and neglect, then you know what I am talking about. For me, it's like my life went in reverse from everyone else, it started out good, got a little worse every year until I have woken up as this almost non-functional 36 year old adult female with undiagnosed autism and a wealth of PTSD.

So, what can we do? Why am I telling you this? I'm telling you this because, I didn't want to be this person. I wanted to see the world and travel and have goals in my twenties. I wanted to explore more. I didn't get to do a lot of that. I was shy and scared of the unknown. The thing is, what I've finally come to learn is that I need to take care of me, and that starts with not neglecting myself, and learning to love myself. For me, it's an everyday battle. Some days, I feel confident, driven, and focused, and other days, I just feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I have no one to talk to about it.

Self isolation is also something very common I think with victims of childhood neglect and abuse. We would rather isolate in our homes than face the world, because we are scared. No one cared enough to give us that first push, so we are very wounded, very hurt on the inside. We have to then be brave enough to become independent people who don't rely on anyone else, because the world has been so cruel to us. That's a lot of what it feels like sometimes.

If you are in the same boat as me, know this; you are NOT alone. It's okay to be unsure, it's okay to be scared, but it's NOT okay to give up on yourself. I gave up on myself for a long time. I was depressed, unmotivated, I spent a lot of time sleeping, I was crying constantly. I felt worthless. Those feelings, I realize now, are feelings I get sometimes when I'm lonely, because when I was a kid, I didn't get that comfort from my parents when I was sad. I never truly felt like I got the feeling of comfort from someone being there for you when you are sad or when something bad happens to you. For example, I was sexually assaulted in high school in broad daylight right outside my house, and my parents didn't talk to me about it. They didn't say a word. They didn't know how to talk to me and how to teach me that what happened to me isn't right, and that I should never ever let anyone else treat me like that. We simply just went about our lives, and I was told to basically suck it up. My parents didn't even want to press charges against the boy.

I've been through a lot of situations like that in my life, and they never get easier to deal with. I'm at the point in my life now where I'm learning to love myself, to accept my past and to think about the future and how I want to help humanity. Part of that, I think, is talking about things like this, creating a place where people like me can connect with others who have been hurt and traumatized that are too afraid to go to group therapy or anything like that. I want to invite those people to talk to me, to relate with me, and most importantly, for them to find some inner healing themselves. So, I hope this post helped a least one person out there feel less alone. Remember, you are in charge of your destiny; take care of yourself and believe in yourself. Prove everyone from your past wrong instead of just throwing in the towel. It's your life, and you are the one that gets to live it.