Hey Kiddo, Can You Help Me Water My Patience Tree?

Why Can't We Just Be Born With Patience?

My 6-year-old has the patience of an energetic old lady who acts much younger than she is and has NO time to spare. Her impatience spews out in huffs and teenage-level attitude. My 4-year-old has the patience of a 4-year-old, and her impatience comes out as hurt feelings and bursts of tears. I don't even want to talk about the toddler, whose frustration and impatiences comes out as flopping backward on the ground in Shakespearean drama, usually resulting in a solid THUD from his head connecting to the hardwood floor. I had to buy a protective pillow for him, for fear of his brain cells.

And me? I have one, frayed and frazzled nerve for them all.

The other day, I wrote a pretty lengthy piece about my impatience and frustration, and how it makes me feel guilty. I strongly feel it's because I was taught obedience as a child and not patience. So, I am exploring ways to develop and teach my children patience, as well as working on my own.

The first step to teaching my children patience ... is learning patience myself.

As I was thinking about what patience meant to me, trying to narrow down what exactly I wanted to work on in regard to my impatience, I realized that true patience is something that I probably will never have.

True patience, in my opinion, are people who don't get irritated quickly. There are angels in human form, who do not get secretly irate when they are interrupted by someone 2,465 times within a short period of time. It just doesn't bother them. I want to be them. I really do.

But that's just not in my bones. So instead, I have to teach myself tolerance and patience. I also realized, that there seem to be several different types of patience.

For example: My girls are into instant gratifications, like most children. Marlee is very impatient when her educational games do not load immediately. For a while, when she'd tap on something, and it did not respond in .00000000001 seconds, she'd do that awful nasal whinge:

"Mooooommy. It isn't worrrrrrrrrrrrrrking!"

I can't help it, my first response every time: "Do NOT whine at me. I do not like it. Please use your big girl voice."

"Okay. Nevermind. It's working now."

1 Minute and 45 seconds Later.....

"Mooooommy. It isn't worrrrrrrrrrrrrrking!"

This - but she will patiently tolerate her baby brother throwing himself at her repeatedly for tickletickletickletickles while she's trying to play dolls for HOURS and won't be bothered by it a bit.

That got old fast, so we all planted 'patience trees.'

I called them to me one day, when we were ALL feeding off of each other's bad moods and getting frustrated with everything and each other. I had my hand closed in a fist.

"First thing. Mommy is very sorry that she has been impatient today. There are lots of reasons why I have been grumpy, but that doesn't matter. I should have been more patient with both of you girls. So, I am very sorry."

My daughters, who at the end of the day want only one thing, both blink back tears and nod.

"I am sorry I have been impatience with my phone and asking for a bath." Marlee, my 4-year-old says in a quivery voice while her older sister, Sky sniffles next to her.

"I am sorry that I was making bad choices during my teacher-time at school!" She says as she hiccups and begins to cry. "I am sorry I made you mad!"

"I know. It's okay. I know that tomorrow, you will try harder to make better choices. But first. We're going to plant a patience tree. Open your mouths."

My girls did as they told, and I put imaginary patience seeds into their mouths, then put one in my own.

"Now, swallow!" I said through partially closed lips like I had something in my mouth, and made a big show of swallowing the non-existence seed. They looked at each other a little bewildered but did as I asked anyway. "Good job. Ok. We all just swallowed a patience seed. And we have to take care of that seed, so we can grow big patience trees inside our tummys. Because patience is very important. And, I think my patience tree that I planted with your Noni when I was little died. So, Mommy is planting a new one with you too. Do either of you know how to take care of your patience tree, and make it grow?"

They shook their heads no.

"We water our patience tree when we practice being patient. And little by little, as we water our patience trees together, one day our patience trees will be so big, that we won't get frustrated by hardly anything!" I told them, and they looked at each other with suddenly interested faces.

"But, how do we water our tree when we are being patient?" Sky asked.

"Well. When we get impatient about something... for example. MarMar, when your ABC game doesn't load right away, and you want to come to Mommy, I want you to count to 10 first. By counting to ten, when you are feeling REALLY impatient, you water your patience tree and it grows."

"What do I do when I get to 10?" The littler of my princesses asks, with wide eyes.

"Well. If you get to ten, and your game is still not working. THEN you can come get mommy."

"Ohhhh...." She says, looking at me as if I just changed her entire world.

"And sometimes, when we are getting frustrated at each other, we can water our patience trees together. That way, we can remember to be nice to each other, even if we are frustrated. What do you girls think?"

"I like it, Mommy! I am going to water my patience tree every day!" Sky says.

It's Little Things Like This I Am Hoping Makes The Difference For Me As A Mom - And Them As Growing Little Humans

Believe it or not, this stupid patience tree technique my ADHD creative brain randomly came up with in the midst of a mental breakdown has actually worked.

By stepping back and counting to 10, I am able to remember to be mindful of my very young child's feelings and take a moment to respond rather than react.

Like last night...when she burst out into tears at the table after trying for 30 minutes to brush a particular doll's hair and not being able to get the effect that she wanted, even after I showed her several times how to do it.

I know some people say: "Count to 10" and it can be preachy and annoying. But it works. It gives you a few seconds to process your initial urge to react (In my case: fussing bursting into tears and sniffling at the table while staring at your doll). I was able to strategize my response to this learning opportunity for my little one just by counting to ten and letting the initial irritation pass.

I was able to think to stop myself from responding, and for a moment, I allowed her to sit at the table and throw her pity party. She put her head on the table and just stared at her doll, tears pouring out of her eyes and sniffling. I let it happen for a few minutes, letting her process her frustration and get out the tears. Allowing my children to self-soothe has never been one of my strong points as their outbursts either aggravate me or make me come running to love and comfort them. There is no in-between, and I am constantly fighting myself over it.

So this was a good opportunity for me to allow her to sort out her feelings. After a few minutes, her tears stemmed down to a very intentional and sniffly pout and that's when I decided I could step in.

"What's wrong, Marmar?"

"Mommy. I was trying to do it like you showed me. But I just can't." She says, gesturing to Bad Hair Day Elsa on the table. I nodded and sat down next to her.

"Hm. How does that make you feel?"

"I don't know. Sad? Mad?" She says, in the most hopeless voice. Both of my girls are THE drama.

"Do you remember a few weeks ago, on Sky's birthday, when Mommy put the melted chocolate on her cake just a little too soon, and so it was really hot and it melted right off the frosting?" She nods, thinking back, her eyebrows furrowed in thought. "Well. Mommy was sad and mad then too. I was very frustrated with myself because I made a silly mistake after working so hard on Sky's cake."

"Yeah. Mommy, you cried." She says, her face squished in the weird face she makes when she is truly learning and understanding something (it's the cutest).

"Yes. I cried. I felt very yucky about my mistake. It can be very frustrating when we don't do something right, or we can't do something the way we want. But, when we feel like whatever we are doing is going to make us cry and pout, we should take a break for a little while, and do something that makes us feel better. Something fun. And then, after that sad mad feeling goes away, come back and try again later."

"But I wish I could brush her hair like you can." The bottom lip quivers as she looks at the doll in defeat.

"Well. Here's the secret to that baby. Mommy has had lots, and lots of practice brushing dollies hair. I am really old compared to you. You are 4-years-old. When Mommy was 4 years old, a very long time ago, I began to learn how to brush dolls' hair. And now, thanks to practicing on dolls, I can brush your hair! You will get better. You just have to keep practicing."

"I have to keep practicing right now?"

"Nope. When you are not frustrated anymore. For now, go get ready for dinner."

I don't feel like I am any more patient...yet.

But even if the end result is that I no longer react so that I can take the time to respond to my children's needs, then maybe they will have an easier time being patient human beings themselves. There are many surprising ways to develop our patience, and just as many reasons why we should.

By teaching myself and my children true patience techniques, and better emotional intelligence than what I was taught as a child, I hope I can contribute to a better tomorrow, where Americans learn to have more respect, patience, and tolerance with each other.

Thanks for reading everyone!

Time is precious, thank you so much for taking some to read my article. I hope you enjoyed it and it proved useful in some way!

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