Girl Not Interrupted

A little over a year ago, I took a job working in mental health as a program technician, even though my dad did not encourage working in this field with my anxiety. Dads great though, he’s super supportive. He's worked in recovery for years as a case manager. He just received his legacy reward for his 10-year dedication to the field-we really don't know how I managed to get this fucked up. I had a lot of great interactions with the clients working in recovery. We would sing, go hiking, go thrift shopping per my request. I would sit and talk to them for hours, whatever they really needed throughout the day I was there to fill the void. I watched prescription after prescription being thrown out at every client like candy. I had a therapist pull me to the side one time upon arriving to shift to tell me to be careful with new client-let's call this client Suzie. Be careful with Suzie, she's diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Do not trust her, she will build you up to tear you down. Do not tell this client anything personal. Little did she know while she was outside labeling a client, I haven't even had a chance to meet for myself yet she was speaking to one. A BPD.

March 10th, 2019 the day was more than overwhelming. The week before where I had tiptoed across rooftops of buildings was overwhelming but this day in particular everything crumbled. I remember feeling so much that it was just enough for me to not want to feel anything at all. I took every pill I had in my bathroom. Some prescription, Some straight from the street. I don't remember much. I remember waking up to an EMT to the left of me as they were bringing me in on a stretcher who asked “I heard you're an actress have you been on anything popular I'd know?” I didn't have the capacity to answer. As nurses come rushing in, they tell me “Were anticipating a heart attack from everything that you took you're going to be placed on a hold is there anyone you want us to contact?’ I responded no.

My dad shows up a few days later. I will never forget the look on his face-how selfish was I to not consider how he would feel. My only support system who would answer my call night or day and he was the last one to know the truth. My boyfriend of five years shows up a few days later he leans into me and whispers “I was scared to come, I'm sorry. I didn't know if I'd get in trouble for coming up here.” I asked him why? he replies “Because I was mean to you that day. Hannah, I don't know what happened to you. You know all those crazy roles and characters you like to play now you're one of them.” Thanks Anthony. We broke up soon after this.

Flash forward to me and dad sitting in a hotel room. Dad looks at me and says I'm not getting on that flight without you there next to me. You're not staying in LA! Dad looks like he wants to cry. “I'm not coming dad, I'm sorry. I came to LA to make something of myself and if I don't have my dreams, I have nothing.” dad responds “You have no money, no job, no place to live what are you going to do? I tell dad firmly I'll figure it out and he realizes he can't change my mind. He hugs me in fear of leaving me alone in the city.

Flash forward. It’s August 19,2019. I'm living in Sylmar, California. I'm so tired from working two jobs back-to-back. I can barely keep my eyes open, but I have to make sure my roommate didn't leave the gas on again and forget what he was cooking up-METH. The gas is off. I go to my room quietly and lock the door. I'm in bed and I hear the doorknob rattling, it's him. He's asking through the door if I want to hook up, I pull the covers over my face and try to tune him out. Crying under the sheets, I can hear him “Hannah come on, open up...” man I got to get out of here soon but it's all I can afford right now. I unlock the door; cool rent is free this month.

Flash forward. January 20th, 2019. I’m twenty-four. I'm at a party in east LA. I don't know where I'm at but I'm having a great time. My dealer offers me another line off the table, it's probably my twentieth of the night. I've learned how to push the limits. The thought passes my mind of why I'm the only girl here? I'm laughing as my dealer tells me that my nose is bleeding, I say to him “Shit this coke is burning my nose” he laughs this isn't coke sweetheart.

Flash forward June 23rd, 2020.It’s 2am, I'm in Compton there's a gun pointed to my head and they're asking me too many questions. I can't keep up; they think I'm an undercover cop. There’s a laser pointed towards my head and there's only one thing I can think- shoot.

Flash forward. July 10th, 2020 I'm in my room with Kelly my best friend from college. She's telling me she can't support me in this friendship anymore because it's not healthy for her. Kelly wants to cry as she tells me she told my dad she would take care of me. She feels wrong for not telling him what's going on. Kelly knows every disturbing detail of my life and at this point in time it's that there's a gang after me. They are leaving threatening voicemails and she's scared for me. I'm defensive, I tell yet again another one of the only people who gives a Shit about me to fuck off. How dare she betray me and threaten to call my dad?! The only person I have, my only real support system. I can't hear anything else coming out of her mouth. I'm overwhelmed at the thought of losing the only person who still believes in me. Me and Kelly don't talk for a while it's really hard and I miss her.

Flash forward July 9th, 2020. I'm drumming in my apartment, it's safe here. I live in a decent place with decent roommates for once. This place is way out of my budget but I'm making cash on the side selling band Tees. My neighbor below complains on my drumming and the landlord texts me that there's no music equipment allowed in the building anymore, fuck. I go downstairs to apologize, he's a really nice guy he asks me if I want to smoke, I never turn down free weed.

Flash forward- August 27th. I'm living with my neighbor we're dating it's new and exciting. I'm cleaning my act up. I'm cooking for him, doing his laundry, working out again.

Flash forward October 24th, 2020 I'm in the kitchen. Kelly is coming over and I'm excited. I haven't seen her in so long. She comes in and we pick up like she never left. I hold back tears as I try to introduce her to my not forever person. I look Kelly in the Eyes and tell her I'm working on myself. Working on getting healthy and that I was wrong. I want to be a healthy friend to her.

Flash forward November 22nd, 2020. I got a job working in recovery as a program technician in Pasadena. The clients here really liked me; they like that I'm silly. I make them laugh. They keep asking me to cover songs. We sing in the backyard to jams like Clairo and Beabadoobee. I'm receiving a lot of positive feedback from my higher ups in the company. The house therapist is telling me the clients are bringing me up in their sessions. My talks are helping. Could I help another person just by telling my truth? I’m in therapy learning more and more each day and weirdly enough I'm giving it.

Flash Forward December 25th, 2020. It's Christmas Day and I worked my ass off to get this dude Christmas gifts. As I run into the room, I ask him to get up he tells me he’s busy checking stocks and that I should cook first. I start preparing food. I forget how to start the crockpot; with hesitation I walk back into the bedroom. Can you help me start the crockpot? “How many times do I have to FUCKING show you?! He punches me in the face and knocks me to the floor. I fix my makeup and cover the bruise on my lip. Even though it's Christmas, I'm working. I grab the keys and look at the unopened gifts on the floor. Merry Christmas, time to go to work.

Flash Forward December 15th, 2021. I’m twenty-six. I walked away from an abusive relationship despite my codependency issues and fear of abandonment that tried to convince me to stay. I rent a small room in Sherman Oaks; I have a 90s HOLE poster on the wall and I can’t clean my room because I get distracted by all the cool stuff I find. I play my music as loud as I want-when I want. I work as an executive assistant in entertainment. I'm currently studying to get my credential as an interventionist. I’m writing a script based on my story. My store made the explore page on Depop. I’m packing up orders to ship out after I finish typing this up. Every order has a personalized card signed by me “Girl’s gotta make the rent” THEHANNAHCOLLECTION. Xo I’m talking to this guy that I met almost 7 months ago. We had a small conversation mostly revolving around the work I was doing in recovery. There was something about the small conversation we had, he didn’t just listen he heard what I was saying. He cared about the work I did in recovery; he understands mental health. He tunes in on every detail of my robotic and repetitive mind. Oh! And he totally shreds on guitar. Could he be my forever person? It's funny how life works. He gave me something I really needed at the time...to be understood.

When I tell people I'm diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, you probably think I'm crazy. You're probably going to cast me as one of the characters from girl interrupted, and I can play that part. That's one of my favorite films. I cannot speak for everyone, but I will speak for myself. I can tell you that I have been gaslighting myself for years. I have been sleeping where my body should not lie.

The truth is behind the diagnosis there is a whole person-someone who alongside their intensity has creative gifts and empathy, deep love for the world and infinite potential. Many people with BPD are deep thinker's, intuitive feelers and many are intellectually gifted. Contrary to popular belief most BPD sufferers are highly introspective and self-aware. With a process of healing and transformations they can be the most empathetic leaders and visionaries. Oh, and that Client Suzie, she was rad. She’s in school studying psychology now. It was never the drugs; it was the depression. I turned my pain into POWER. Stop stereotyping us as the “Crazies”. Stop putting us in a box. My name is Hannah Whiting; I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I am more than my diagnosis and so are you.