Getting Serious Again

Am I going to make a habit of this? Well, maybe.

Today is World Mental Health Day. Again. Again? Yes, again. You see, it doesn’t go away, does it? My kids wearing something yellow to school and paying a pound for the privilege doesn’t create the tidal wave that changes everything, more’s the shame. But it does create a trickle. A light drizzle. And once again, I am here to nudge a few droplets along their way.

Last year, I got serious for world mental health day, which was a stretch, because I was feeling playful at the time. This year, I am getting serious again, but I will be honest, I am not having to dig so deep. You see, I’ve been feeling rather low. There are reasons, of course. Global reasons like conflict and climate related catastrophes, and local reasons too, like shit just not going my way, a lot, lately. But there are also historical reasons, and that it the first thing I wanted to touch upon.

You and I are not the same.

I mean, we are, in oh so many ways. Many many many ways. Its almost embarrassing how fundamentally similar we are, us humans. Mind you, no one expects vast differences in a murder of crows do they? Or a troop of chimpanzees? And yes, I just wanted to say “murder of crows” because, well, small pleasures, right? Of course there are differences between individuals, but those differences are generally differences in how we pursue the same fundamental needs, significantly, the need for attachment and connection. We are a social animal, like the chimpanzees, and I would argue that it is our relationship with our social world that underpins the vast majority of difficulties with low mood.

This is where the history comes in. I could tell you some of the reasons WHY I feel low lately, and some of them will sound pretty pathetic. I am going to make up an example in order to guard my dignity. Let’s say that on Tuesday, two of my friends met for a coffee. And now I wonder if life is worth living. Over reaction? “Well you were hurt, not being invited” you say. No no, in this little vignette, I was invited. Yup. They even seemed disappointed that I couldn’t come. Now, I couldn’t come, because Tuesday is my regular day volunteering at the Shelter for Unloved Chimpanzees, where I have volunteered for thirteen years. I talk about it a lot, the chimpanzees. Every Tuesday, I send them a little picture of me teaching a chimpanzee to use Makaton to express his need for love. But they still chose Tuesday? Why Tuesday? They KNOW I can’t come on Tuesday. “Well,” I say to myself, settling into my hessian sack at the top of the helter skelter of emotional torment, “they chose Tuesday because they literally forgot that I do this on Tuesday, because for the past thirteen years they haven’t even been listening to me, because they pretty much forget I exist, I am that unimportant to them, because I AM unimportant, in fact, everyone would rather I didn’t exist really, just like they did all the way through school when I was too timid to join in in year 6, because I had been too timid to join in in year 1, meaning no one noticed me unless I was in the way, and I was too timid to join in because no one really wants me to join in because I am not worthy of any one’s attention, which I know because my mum was perpetually annoyed if I made myself big, and I am a broken human being who’s only hope is a chimpanzee who doesn’t know his name is Lorenzo, and I wonder if life is worth living.”

You follow?

The history is all. Shit happens to us all, and we interpret that shit through shit splattered lenses. Had I always been reasonably popular, I might have simply wished them well.

Sometimes, we beat ourselves up for “overreacting” to things. And it is completely appropriate for us to question whether there might be an alternative way to react, appropriate and often very necessary, but there is also no need to berate ourselves for the kneejerk when our feet are mired in muddy histories. Of course, we need to remember this for other people too.

But this is a tangent really, because what I WANTED to talk about is me. Always. I’m a bit miserable. Big ahh please. Now, most of us have some idea what to do about it, when we are a bit miserable. It varies, person to person, of course. But most of us know that DOING rather than not doing, even though we very much feel like not doing, helps. Afterall, do nothing and not only do we not get the positive feelings doing something might give us, but we also confirm our own thoughts that we are useless or hopeless. Most of us know that managing our sleep, not too much, not too little, and our food intake – healthy, balanced, sufficient, not excessive – helps. We know that seeking connection helps, despite the urge to withdraw. Comfortable in the moment, yes, but in the long run? Keeps us on that helter skelter, heading down. Most of us know that adequate exercise bolsters our minds and bodies too.

But do we do it? Do we? We know what helps and frankly, when we are low, we cannot be bothered. And this is a problem.

There are good reasons for us to feel down from time to time. There are often good reasons for us to feel very down, very anxious, very angry, hurt, afraid. But if we do nothing, nothing changes. It is really easy, and sometimes appropriate, to blame others and therefore look to others for rescue. I am down because the world has failed me, and the world needs to bail me out. And yes, absolutely, sometimes, we need a helping hand. Even then though, the hand can only help. We need to be willing to work. Right when we are at our most eroded, we need to be willing to work.

So THIS world mental health day, this is what I want to say. Firstly, there is little point beating ourselves or others up for reacting in a way which seems on the face of it to be a little unnecessary. Put it in the context, and a deeper wound may have been niggled. Let’s be kind towards ourselves and one another shall we? But secondly, true kindness doesn’t stop at a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. When we are truly kind to ourselves, which all of us, ALL OF US, deserve, we take action. If there is something we can change, agitate it. What might move it along? If it is something we can’t, agitate the feelings you are left with instead. Put the things in place you know help. Go for the walk, cook the soup, phone the friend, pray, write, run, sing, dig the soil or just shower. Or reach out the hand for help. Life is challenging, and wearing yellow to school isn’t going to fix it, but engaging with the world, however that matters most for us, will help us to live it as best we can. Act consciously to promote your own wellbeing, because when we don’t, we are buffeted at the whimsy of the weather, and the whimsy of the weather right now, is not the master I want.