Generalized Anxiety Disorder

If I think about it there has never been a time in my life I did not feel anxious about something, never been a time where even at least in my back of my mind I did not feel for some reason death was imminent. Even as a child when you are supposed to be carefree and unbothered by things I was afraid. I think I did a better job at pretending to be okay when I was very young. I was better able to wear a mask than I was as a I got older.

The mask did not slip gradually. It came off all at once when I was about 13 years old. My family had moved to a new city and I had to change schools twice in as many months. I loved the first school and changing again did something to me. I remember the first day at the second school I had a panic attack. I did not know what that was back then but I knew for sure I was going to die. The building was old and dark and made me want to run away screaming but I couldn't do that. Instead I hid in a bathroom stall and hyperventilated. I felt like there was no way in the world I was going to survive this place. I could not breathe, My chest felt like it was being crushed, I hated that place and myself. Thankfully, in this situation, my mother was able to get me back into the previous school and I will be forever grateful. A similar situation followed the next year in high school with much the same outcome.

As I got older my anxiousness and worry just got worse. I did not know what was wrong with me. I just knew I was always scared and always knew for sure that the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen would. I was convinced and it invaded every second of my life. People would tell me not to worry as if that was the answer for it all. Of course, let me just turn it off. Except, as much as I tried I was unable to flip that switch in my mind and believe me I tried. The thoughts always come creeping back in and my breath would catch and I would not be able to get it back. I would just be there in a frightened, breathless stupor waiting for the outcome I was sure would be the end of me. It never was the end though and I lived like that for years.

I was finally diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder when I was 25. I remember listening to the doctor that gave me the diagnosis and the amazement that every symptom he listed was the hell I had lived through for so many years of my life, the excessive worry, unwanted thoughts, the panic, the days of not sleeping, the being acutely aware of everything that was going on around me at all times. I finally had an answer. If only that could have been the end of it.

I started at the time Wellbutrin and Zoloft and cognitive behavioral therapy. They helped tremendously but they are not magic pills. It has been many years since my diagnosis and my prescriptions and course of action has changed many times. I have to constantly work on my worry and anxious thoughts. I know and understand what they are now and that helps but there are still times I let them get the best of me because I am a human with a mental illness.

I want other people with the same disorder to know they are not alone. I know how hard you are fighting and I know how tired you get. I know telling you not to worry will not help. I do hope that telling you I understand will help you though. As lonely as I know it feels sometimes we are not alone.