Freedom

To be free of what? Everything. The desire to face things head on is so strong. I struggle with drugs, anxiety, an eating disorder, family issues, and much more. My main goal in life is freedom. To be free from my mind seems like such a luxury.

This year I will be free of these things. I’m not exactly wanting to “escape” from them, but to be able to conquer these obstacles in my life. There is not taking no for an answer. My hope is so great that I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have been in this tunnel for my whole entire life. And I finally see the light at twenty-one years old.

Three years ago, I went off to college in San Francisco. I brought everything with me... including problems with my mental health. This caused me to give into certain drugs that even some drug addicts say no to. These drugs caused me to have permanent hallucinations. I then stopped eating for five straight months and dropped down to 89 pounds as a 5’6” female. I went into psychosis.

By the time I went home for winter break, I was begging my parents for help. One was a dysfunctional alcoholic, the other one was in denial of mental health altogether. But, when my sister came back into the picture, she got me assessed and I was then diagnosed with ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder), and severe depression and anxiety with psychotic features.

I was put into hospitalization for five weeks from not eating. I cried when they tried to feed me ten saltine crackers. The fear of dying from eating when I was actually dying from not eating was such a difficult one to face. This is still a battle I go wake up to every day. My obsessive and compulsive thoughts over dying and feeling safe is never ending. I want to be rid of this fear and to face it.

So far, I have gone through EMDR, an intense trauma therapy. I relive the moments most people choose to forget or push away. I face these demons every time I see my therapist. There is no shame in seeking help.

Although everything was so hard for me to go through and I just wanted to give up at every moment, I would not take any of it back. I found God through this battle, I met amazing people, I got to know myself more than I ever would have thought, I am now closer with my family, and I am so much stronger than I was back when I was eighteen.

As for the drugs, I am now 2 years sober, but the desire is still there. The desire to be high. Therefore, it is also still a battle. The doctors told me if I were to go back into this habit or lifestyle, I would be permanently in a psychotic state. I choose my desire to live a healthy and happy life more than the lifestyle of waking up not remembering what happened the night before. I choose this life over being looked down upon and not having any purpose to live for.

But, this year I strive to be the best me there possibly could be. I will not take no for an answer. I have come so far and my resilience is astounding. I’m strong willed and jump over any obstacles I face. I have God by my side and I have so many loved ones rooting for me. I am so grateful for my life and my second chance to live the right way, the way I was supposed to live. It is truly all I want for myself.