December 8, 2018

It was a cold night in the city of San Francisco on the eighth of December 2018. I was a freshman at San Francisco State University. I had been struggling a lot with depression since I moved there away from anything and everything I have ever known, which led me to start engaging in reckless decisions that involved all sorts of drugs and alcohol. I had a lot of unresolved traumas from the past, but this specific night pushed me to the edge and is why it was such a life altering event.

To give you some background, when I was attending San Francisco State University, I made choices that allowed me to really see how the world could be so scary. I used to think that I had nothing to live for and that my goals did not matter, which would lead me to drink a whole bottle of vodka, or experiment with other drugs, even on a normal school day. Normal school days did not phase me, as I would just decide to “go tomorrow” or “study extra hard.” In the beginning of the semester I felt completely fine with how I behaved as a student, but when it came down to studying for finals before the holidays, I was stressed out and felt like a complete failure. This made things worse, as I continued to push my limits with this reckless behavior and since nothing bad ever happened to me, I started to feel invincible. I had two nights a week that I did not remember for the four months that I lived in the city, except this night I remember so vividly because of the horrific events that occurred.

On December 8, 2018, the weekend before finals, I was getting ready for a photo shoot (my absolute passion, but was on the verge of giving up at the time) with three of my roommates and a couple of other friends. We decided to go to the Albion Castle, which we did not realize at the time was in between two of the worst neighborhoods in all of San Francisco. We ended up in Hunters Point right outside of Bayview. These two neighborhoods are well known for gang related crimes, drug abuse, and high rates of homelessness.

By the time we arrived at the address the internet gave us for the Albion Castle, it was already 9:30 to 10:00 at night and we ended up in a really sketchy place. It was supposed to be a common tourist attraction, but this was not the case. I remember that I had to use the restroom really badly so I got separated from all my friends when I went to go look for one. I was one of those people that did a lot of things alone, even if my loved ones recommended that I did not for safety reasons.

As I was looking for a restroom, I was walking on a sidewalk and ended up walking in a neighborhood of apartments. All of a sudden, I looked ahead of me across the street and saw two really tall, buff men by a beat-up, old SUV. One of the guys was standing by the trunk of the car. When I dragged my eyes to the other one, I saw him dragging a giant bag with something moving inside. It was a small child, struggling to escape. I froze in shock. I could not believe my eyes. When I looked back at the other man by the trunk, he noticed that I was standing there watching them. He gave me the most intimidating, gut wrenching look that I have ever seen someone give. As he saw me, he started walking towards me with his hand behind his back. I could not have imagined what he was holding, but I was not about to find out for myself.

As he was walking towards me, I booked it back to find my friends. I did not look back. I was shaking. By the time I found my friends, I was yelling, explaining that we had to leave right then and there, so we got in our car and drove away. I then sat in the car as we were driving to a safer area for the shoot, in shock of what I had just seen. My friends kept asking me all of these questions of what happened and I could not speak. After a little while of processing what had just happened, I contacted the police and reported what I witnessed. Unfortunately, they only told me they would do their best to find the child, but that nothing is guaranteed.

That night we still did our photo shoot, but all I could think of was what I witnessed. When I got back to my apartment, I started to cry myself to sleep. The images in my brain kept replaying and it was never ending. I then realized at that moment that my sense of safety and security had been compromised. I no longer felt invincible and started suffering more with panic attacks. I decided to talk to all of my professors about what had happened, but they told me to do my “best” on all of my exams. My “best” could not have been accomplished after witnessing that. I then went to a therapist on campus and he referred me to the psychiatrist. They decided that I should be medicated with klonopin, a highly addictive benzodiazepine. This was supposed to help me manage my panic attacks, but it was only a bandaid for the problem and I started to abuse this drug as well. This, along with other events ended up causing me to stop eating for months and I lost 40 pounds (I was 89 pounds as a 5’6” female). I was just a bag of bones at this point and had to be taken out of school to be hospitalized for not eating and abusing drugs.

By the time I left my treatment facility, I was healthier, sober, and more clear about myself. I worked on myself in intense trauma therapy (called EMDR). I learned that I do not need to be intoxicated to cope with any problems I face. I really dug deep into the core of my issues of not feeling safe. I now realize that I am able to do my best to keep myself safe by not engaging in reckless behavior and to always be aware. I have become very intuitive and observant with myself and how I am feeling. I learned it is okay to seek help and that sometimes it takes trial and error before something works out for the better. Mental health is just as important as physical health and there are many resources available. There is no shame in seeking help. The night of the kidnapping jump started a complex path where I realized I needed help, allowing myself to seek recovery and become healthy again.