Forgiveness is

Did you know how hard it is to actively forgive someone that’s hurt you? Do you know how hard it is to repeat that process every day? Sadly, forgiveness isn’t a one and done deal. You have to continuously choose to do it every single day and trust me there are going to be days where forgiveness isn’t easy, days where you don’t want to and that is okay. It’s all a part of the healing process. Don’t rush yourself if you’re not ready. I know most days I wake up and find it difficult to forgive some of the people who have hurt me – other times I cannot bring myself to forgive any of them…including myself.

Some things to keep in mind when practicing forgiveness. Forgiveness is not for them it is for YOU. It doesn’t mean that you’re forgetting or minimizing your trauma. It is not excusing or rationalizing their behavior or how they hurt you. Forgiving is not denying your pain. It is not a door to renew or begin a relationship with the persons that hurt you – forgiveness doesn’t demand that of you. Your forgiveness doesn’t mean that the other person who hurt you deserves or earned that from you. It is not to benefit the person who hurt you. Forgiveness is not about them – it is all for you. I understand feeling the resistance to forgive.

So, let’s shed some light on what forgiveness means for you:

It’s solely focused on bettering yourself. It allows a change for your present and future, even if you cannot change your past. It allows you the ability to let go of the need for revenge without taking away your options to pursue justice or another appropriate resolution. It gives you the choice on what/if any relationship continues with that person.

All of this gives you a power. It can bring you some peace, some calm to the turbulent seas that are wreaking havoc inside you.

It is IMPORTANT to acknowledge your loss and the harm that was done to you. It is IMPORTANT to let yourself feel your feelings. It is IMPORTANT to talk about what happened with someone you trust – if you are not ready to open up about your trauma it’s okay. Don’t feel pressured to do so but once you reach that step where you can it’ll make the healing process a little bit easier.

Some questions to ask yourself to get a feel for where you’re at:

Am I feeling unresolved hurt or anger? Where do I feel it in my body? If you’ve never done a self-evaluated body scan before then here is what I do. I lay down on the floor or bed and feel the emotions and then note where I am feeling them. Am I clenching my fists? Is my heart palpitating or painfully seizing up? Am I getting tingles on my head or shivers across certain parts of my body? Is the hair on my arms standing on end? Are my heels digging down into the floor? Take note and acknowledge each part of you that is reacting. Try and find a way to access those and become more aware of your body then you can work towards healing it.

Ask yourself where you are on your healing journey and what part forgiveness plays in it? A good way to get all your thoughts out is to journal about your personal situation and how forgiveness will relate to it. For me, my personal situations span for nearly 20+ years and I am not ready to face all of it head on. I have chosen to forgive many of those people to try and free myself of the weight that accompanies the anger that one holds onto to survive.

One activity that is beneficial but extremely hard for me to personally do is to journal for 15 minutes writing down my hurt and anger because you delve into what happened and who those emotions are associated with. Once I am completed with that exercise, I always must ground myself and bring myself back to who I am now. Be present with myself before looking back over everything that I have written down. You then must decide if there are actionable things that you can do to help heal your hurt or anger. If there is, then you must bring yourself to write them down. If not, tear up the page (usually I burn it) and after you must let it be. The reason that is so difficult for me personally is because I have to look deep inside myself and see if I can help myself resolve feelings that I don’t like to feel especially the hurt and then realize that I cannot do anything at that time. I haven’t mastered the letting it be final step after tearing up the page or burning it on things that I cannot resolve at that time.

Forgiveness will lift a weight from you – if you let it. You will eventually feel a change within yourself as you work through your trauma. It will probably feel raw at first but as you continue on your journey to healing you WILL grow stronger, and those emotions will become a little more manageable.

For those who have had multiple traumas I personally have done a few things to try and sever the ties in a way. When I choose to forgive, I will write the names down of the people who have hurt me and say all the things that I never had the courage or ability to say to them. Then I will state that I forgive them but not for their sake – for mine. I forgive them and am taking the weight that they give me and gifting it back to them. “I forgive you – not for you but for me. I am giving you back the weight that you gave to me to carry.” Afterwards I will take the slip of paper with their name and either tear it up or burn it. Usually, this ritual brings forward the memories so be prepared to ground yourself and feel emotions that are uncomfortable to feel but it does lift a weight off your shoulders that you may not realize that you have been carrying. Again, this process is not a one and done. You may have to do it multiple times to get to the point where you feel okay. It gets easier the more times that you do and for me what I say to them gets less emotional. I break down less.

Do what works for you. What will be most beneficial in your healing journey?

I do appreciate those of you who have stayed laced up and have supported me while I continue to process and heal. You are seen. Thank you for taking this walk with me.