Finding the Light

For as long as I can remember I knew something was different about me. My moods were so drastic, and the way I felt things when I had an emotion was extreme. I wasn't just sad; I felt like my life was not the way I had planned it. I wasn't just mad; I felt like a bomb was ready to go off in my head. I wasn't just happy; I felt this wonderful feeling of elation.

I would go through such extreme highs and lows that I often felt as if I was on this never-ending rollercoaster ride of life. Just trying to hold on each and every day was the hard part because I never knew what I was going to run into. There would be days where I would feel the world is against me because my car isn’t working, my computer keeps freezing, therapy sucks, and I just can’t seem to communicate how frustrating it all is.

Communication is hard for me. I struggle to get my thoughts out in a way that conveys what I’m feeling in order for my partner to understand and help me process my emotions. The thing with Borderline Personality Disorder is that you get stuck so much within your emotions, or emotional mind that it is hard to recognize reason, or reasonable mind. There is nothing wrong with being in touch with your emotions and being a highly emotional person. I consider it a strength.

The part that I struggle with is when I let my emotions take over my daily life and they get in the way of my routines to the point of loss of function. There are days where I just end up on the couch and I can’t move. It’s debilitating and frustrating. I’ve had times where I slipped into deep depressions and gone days without showering and lost my appetite, which is weird because I’m OCD about hygiene and I love to cook. That’s the thing about BPD, it doesn’t care who you are. It will take over your life if you let it.

For example, buying groceries is a huge challenge for me. I know it may seem silly to most of you, but the complexities of going up and down the aisles while managing my anxiety of being in a crowded grocery store is hard enough. Now trying to do it while managing my depression and Borderline Personality Disorder on top of my anxiety and PTSD is even harder. The bright lights, the loud noises of the carts, the voices of people talking, and the music. It is all a lot to manage.

It can be a bit much sometimes that it is hard to think. I try to shop late at night when the stores are nearly empty, but if I need a prescription, I'm stuck shopping earlier when it is crowded. Now, I know you may ask if I make a list to make it easier for myself. Yes, I am the queen of list making. It is a part of my OCD. The list doesn't always help when your skin is crawling with anxiety and telling you that you need to scream!!!

My trauma therapy is helping, but I feel like my parents just don't get it. I've tried to explain my issues with them and how I feel, but I don't think they will ever truly understand. I’ve been through so much that they just can’t wrap their heads around it. The complexities of my BPD are quite vast and getting through it takes time. Finding a balance for my day-to-day life is going to take time. There is no "cure", but there are coping mechanisms that I can use to help me with my day-to-day life.

The main thing that I try to remember is that, I am here. I am strong. I can do anything I set my mind to. #metoo #iamenough #loveislove #truthispower