Exhausted

I've been feeling exhausted, not tired, not sleepy, but a better descriptor would be that I feel absolutely, utterly, entirely; drained. I feel like a dead battery, but unlike a dead battery I'm forced to keep a source of energy pouring through each and every cell in my body.

Even though I feel like every source of energy that I hold onto desperately could be restored, I find that I have been fooled into finding that all of the possible inner energy within me has been entirely depleted from my entire being. It's become a daily goal, one where I try to find a place to rest, or even restore any of the energy I think I once may have had; that is saying everyone once was a child, and as children we have tons of energy; right?

I'm eager to find a new source of energy, but I'm scared because I don't remember a time in my life where I had the true feeling of energy in my mind or body. A new energy source seems like it would be impossible to find especially since I don't think I know what I'm actually looking for in the first place. The more I think about it, the more I realize; youth, the supposed feeling of being young, it is a lie, I've never felt a day in my life where I have felt truly alive. Never, not even as a child, I have always felt so miserably exhausted.

I've started every day of my life with the most painful feeling in the world, that I can imagine and it's not kidney stones, I've had those too. The only difference between the pain of kidney stones and the depletion of energy I've always felt is that one becomes a memory, while the other is forever, it's never ending. I'm so tired.

I seem to have a hard time sleeping though, it's almost funny; even when I'm tired enough that I should be able to sleep, I just can't. The only time I'm allowed to sleep, according to my brain, is when I need to get something done. I automatically go into a deep sleep in a matter of a few minutes, and it seems to happen, especially when I start an assignment for my college courses. I am shocked that I was able to receive all A's and one B in the last two semesters of college.

For so many nights I have stayed awake and studied, since I'd give up on trying to sleep at night. the upsetting thing about this is that I usually will finally fall asleep, but that is - at my desk, while I'm trying to learn things. I get so frustrated with how I end up sleeping while reading at my desk, so I end up laying down in my bed with the hope of actual falling asleep in a comfortable place; such as my bed, but it seems as if I'm not meant to sleep while laying down.

Every day is a struggle, because I am so exhausted and I can't get comfortable. It's starting to weigh heavy on my daily activities with social interactions, and I'm too tired to spend my days with family and friends, but I really don't want it to be true! I try so hard to not cancel plans with everyone in my life, but sometimes I do, and I will end up sleeping on those days. I'd probably be no fun to be around anyway, because when you're as tired as I can be, you become less responsive to the world around.

I can sleep in the day way easier than at night, I've had people joke around with me, "are you a vampire or something?" usually lead by a, "haha, it would make sense, since you're so pale." It sort of does make sense, also since the sun gives me a headache, with an occasional bout of stinging sensations on my skin; oh! and I can't forget how I have to wear sunglasses outside, because of how much the sun hurts my eyes. Yeah, maybe I am a vampire, but instead of the bursting into flames in the sun thing, I just feel really uncomfortable. Just kidding I know I'm not a vampire, it's something that has always made me laugh, trying to cope with the physical and mental pain I feel all of the time. I really do feel the strange sensations from the sun, but that's because I have issues with my sleep most likely. I think?

This reminds me, I have slept in the sun, and you wanna know what happened? I was crispy and red, with horrible blisters all over my legs and various other areas that were exposed to the sun on the beach that day. I can feel the pain of that widespread sunburn as I write this, it was awful, specifically the pain located on my sunburned eyelids, that was just the worst. ouch. anyway, I'm not a vampire...

Anyway, where was I...

Oh yeah! I'm tired and exhausted...

Guess what is weird, I have severe ADHD and Narcolepsy type 2 at the same time. I may have physical and mental exhaustion, but I have an inner energy that wants to come out, and when I try to force it out - I'm knocked on my back for the rest of the week, month, or even a whole year -sometimes.

I am not amused with how my body has to deal with my spirit, which wants to do a lot of things all of the time, but the problem is that I can't keep up with my inner hyper spirit. My body has always hurt, and on the inside my brain is active with ideas, and I want to get up and conquer those ideas, I want to do a dance, get the exercise to let the true me out, but I can't because I'm held back by my physical self.

I have so many great ideas of what I can do, and sometimes I will purposefully push myself because I think, well what if it is all in my head? What if I have more abilities than what I give myself credit for? Life is cruel, I'm not as able as I'd like to be, I have drained myself of any energy that I think I have every time.

I always end up so physically drained from doing anything, even a small task! It's gets to the point where I can't stand for a few minutes after making myself "JUSTDOIT." Nike's slogan just isn't for everyone. When I think about how tired I've been since I was a kid, it's almost like everything has been coming through in waves, they've been broadcasted one second at a time, leaving me incapable of properly being a normal everyday human being.

When I say this exhaustion feels more painful than the kidney stones, I mean it. It feels like I cannot escape a cage, one that I've been placed in and I am being tortured, non-stop every single day. I'd really like to have control over my brain's responses to outer stimuli, but I'm trapped - or I feel very trapped.

My biggest questions are; is there anyone who has ever felt like they are truly comfortable? Is there a person without pain everyday? Are there people out there who go through their lives feeling as if they have actually slept? I just want to know how it feels to be awake and not miserable all of the time. I want to know how it's accomplished, and especially if you're a person with ADHD and Narcolepsy type 2 like me, but I do also have Fibro... but this isn't a share all, so I'm going stop right here and I'm going to try to sleep... Goodnight / day.