Escaping My Abuser

Self love is something we have to learn to do. Something we have to learn to feel. Its something we can only find ourselves. Finding love in yourself after enduring abuse, or while enduring abuse feels impossible. There is always someone there belittling who you are. How can you find love in yourself when you don't feel loved by those around you?

Today I share my story on how possible it is. I am here to give you the good, the bad, and the ugly. To give you hope, and to remind you that you are worthy.

When I was 17 I met a 27 year old man named "Paul". I was homeless at the time. My abusive mom kicked me out a few months prior. During that time I started hanging out with a really bad crowd. They where all much older than me, and they all did a lot of drugs, and other things I never should have involved myself in. Paul found out I was homeless the night I met him, and invited me to come stay a few nights with him with him. As a 17 year old clueless teenager.. I agreed. He was this gorgeous 27 year old male who found interest in me. I had no Idea at the time how weird and wrong it was. I was a 17 year old girl with no family, no guidance, and on drugs. I was not in a good situation. I did not realize that he would be the scariest experience of my life. The reason it took me years to love myself again. I did not realize I let myself trust a monster...

I went to Paul's, and days turned into 2 weeks. He eventually asked me out, and asked me to move in. Of course I said yes. Those 2 weeks where awesome. We laughed together, did drugs together, slept together (I was 17 he was 27). I did not realize that agreeing to be his girl friend was going to be my worst nightmare.

A few days passed after he popped the question. I started to notice that he started saying horribly vulgar things to me about my body. At that time I didn't know much at all about sex, but I was intrigued considering I was a teen girl at the time. So, I would just laugh it off like it was funny. I didn't realize at the time that the things he would say could be considered things sexual predators would say. He would say things like "What a sexy little girl", or things like "I want to see that little girl body". Gross, I know. At the time I had no idea what I had coming. I did not realize I was under the roof of an abusive sexual predator.

The first time I felt uncomfortable is the night I woke up in the middle of the night to him having sex with me, I woke up and yelled at him to stop. He luckily stopped, but he looked at me like I was a monster for telling him no. He spent hours afterwards telling me how horrible of a girl friend I am for not letting him have me when he wants. As a 17 year old girl I felt terrible. I thought "I did this. I made him hate me.' The feeling of un-comfort and being afraid turned into a feeling of guilt. I began waking up more and more nights to the same thing. I would lay there and let it happen. I didn't want it to happen. I would pretend I was asleep the whole time, but in my head. I felt like I would've lost him. He had convinced me that what he was doing is ok, and I believed him. He convinced me my job was to please him.

I quickly began to become a constant sex object. He began to hit me if I said no, and would punish me. He was very rough sexually, and enjoyed to see me in pain. He would bully me, and remind me that he's all I had at the time. He caused me to hate every ounce of who I was. I was now a drug addict teenager, with no family, and the only person I had treated me like I was the worst person on the planet. I was scared, confused, alone, and I had no one to turn to, or to tell. Getting away from him was not going to be easy, and I knew that. I was not allowed to leave. His excuse was because no one could know I lived there, or that I was involved in a relationship with him.

One night I called a really old friend, and explained the situation. I explained I was hours away from anyone I know, and that I was being abused to the point I was scared for my life, and at that point I realized the sexual abuse happening. My wonderful friend came, and picked me up that night while he was at a friends house. I left that town. I never looked back. and I got clean.

Now 7 years later I have come to love myself again. Finding out how to do that has been the hardest journey of my life. It's a Journey I still face everyday. Loving yourself after being physically, mentally, and emotionally abused can feel impossible, but it's not. Do not let your abusers take your love of yourself away forever. That's only giving them the power. They tore you down in hopes that you'll never get back up. Face life everyday reminding yourself that who they made you out to be is not who you are. And for anyone reading this who is with an abuser right now... GET OUT! It might seem impossible, but I did it at the age of 18. I got out. I learned how to love myself, and be better for myself. Getting out of your situation starts with YOU.