Emotions

Today, I have a new outlook on my writers block. I heard something yesterday that said "those who are angry, seem to have the biggest creative blocks."

Yes, I am angry right now. As a woman, I am taught that I shouldn't be angry.

• On a side note, I am a brain nerd currently in college learning psychology stuff (I know, I'm being simple worded right now).

Anger is a primary emotion, meaning that we can just have that emotion and it isn't attached to any other emotion, it lives alone. However, as a woman, who is taught anger is not okay and that sadness is. I mask my anger with sadness, fear, anxiety, and even sometimes pleasantness. I haven't allowed myself to feel my true honest anger in years, which is dysregulating to any human.

Sadness and fear are also primary emotions, but as you can see in my last paragraph, they can also be secondary. Contrary to woman, men are taught that anger is okay and sadness and fear are not, so they often mask their truth (sadness and/or fear) with anger. Of course, they can be truly angry but as I said, it can also be a mask.

So, how do we determine the difference between primary emotion and secondary emotion when it comes to these three emotions?

I can't say I have a definitive answer to that, but I would say one tell tale sign would be that the emotion does not fade after it is felt. If you process an emotion properly (or some other word), it only takes approximately 90 seconds to move through you.

I also noticed recently, that when my sadness is covering my anger, the tears I have a hot. When it is sadness they are cool, and they flow out differently.

When I actually acknowledged the anger, the sadness and tears went away and I started feeling much better. My mind cleared up and my mood heightened. I woke up today feeling different than I have for the past month our so.

If I reflect on the times where my anger has been a mask for my sadness, it is different than the primary anger I allowed myself to feel yesterday. It didn't stop, it felt uncontrollable, I would say rash things that I didn't mean and would regret earlier. Something about it would feel... off. I know in a lot of those moments, especially when I was with my ex-fiancé, it was out of fear. When I was told by him I didn't need to defend myself with him, than he would turn around and get belligerently mad and sometimes even violent (throwing things on the ground or something of that sort) the only thing I could really do out of fear was get angry.

How could I show him how weak I felt around him, how small he made me feel, how trapped I was in the cage he built for me. The door was always openable with my key, but he made it seem like the key was impossible to grab. Until he got violent with me.

Back to what I started with, anger being a block for creativity. Not being able to write is one of the more difficult things for me. I am in a moment of clarity this morning (and last night, just in time for class) and this is what my mind wanted to write, what I wanted out. The other thing stirring in my mind is a paper I have due on Monday, which I now feel like will come smoothly and flow once I get the first words out there.

I can't say that I love social media, but the content that I have been seeing lately has being adding to my experience in a positive way. I don't spend much time on there, maybe one video or two and then I move on. I now only subscribe to content that will benefit me in someone and in this case, it benefitted greatly AND added to my psychological learning experience, which is the best part.

No, I am no longer angry, I did the thing and processed that emotion, small wins, big rewards 🩵