Being married for over 8 years, and together for over 12, I never thought I would have to rejoin the dating world. But, since we opened up our marriage, I've had to do just that. When my husband and I got together, apps were just starting out - we met the old fashioned way, at a bar. We knew what we were getting ourselves into because we had to see each other and talk to decide if we wanted to pursue the relationship. But now, with apps like Grindr, Scruff, and Tinder, we take a 1 second look at someone's profile picture and swipe right or left. The person might have written they are a serial killer in their profile and we would have absolutely no idea because our judgement is based 100% on looks alone. And yes, I am just as guilty as the next person.
I've only met a few guys from my swiping, or woofing, or any other number of animal noises/gestures that are meant to be empowering, but upon any amount of thought, are incredibly misogynistic and degrading. More because apparently I'm not appealing to others and not willing to be someone's one night stand. But among the few guys that I have met, I've begun to notice a pattern - I'm attracted to emotionally unavailable guys.
The guys that I meet are great guys, really nice and charming. But, any type of emotional conversation/discussion, leads them to run and hide. Now, to be honest, I'm not looking to divorce or find a new husband through our openness, but I do prefer to have a connection with someone that I am spending time with.
The obvious first question is, what is wrong with them? But, they have all been perfectly honest with me regarding their intentions and what they are looking for. And it doesn't include anything emotional beyond friendship. I know that going into the situation, so why then do I suddenly think that they will change once they realize I'm a great guy? I doom myself for a certain amount of heartbreak from the very beginning. It's not that I have a high opinion of myself (quite the opposite actually, which is confounded by the numerous guys who have told me to "kill myself" or "go to the gym", but I think I have a good head on my shoulders and am decently attractive.
So then, the question that none of us want to think about, becomes, what is wrong with me? Not in the sense that I am doing anything to scare them away, but why do I allow myself to get into these situations? Sure, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic that searches for the happy ending in everything, but how stupid can I be time and time again?
In reality, it's not stupidity that I do this time and time again. My father was closed off emotionally growing up, and I never really got any positive reinforcements from him without it being a special occasion (and even then, it's a 50/50 chance that anything positive would be said). I'm now looking for affirmation from other men in my life to fill that void that I never received.
But that's the hard part. I am fulfilling a self-deprecating cycle of behaviors. But, unfortunately, emotionally stunted and closed-off men are the ones that are attracted to me. I think it also speaks to a gap in my marriage. Knowing what an open relationship is, why do I feel the need to search for something that I should be feeling in my marriage (that's for another post).
For now, I'm just going to work on living in the moment - taking things for what they are worth and stop trying so damn hard.
About the Creator
Steven George
Steve is a Detroit native with a passion for helping. He owns a holistic healing company, and works as a researcher. He is currently writing two books on holistic healing.
cmmcholistichealing.com
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Open/Closed (pt. 2)
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