Doubts at the Deadline

The Day of the Deadline

Today was the last day to put forward my efforts. To say I was lacking in confidence was an understatement. It would be more realistic to say I was as close to just missing the deadline completely and being done with it all. To put it plainly, I was completely and utterly petrified. This wasn't even my first rodeo, so to speak, but my nerves never seemed to get any easier to manage. Still, though I wanted to put my work forward. Glutton for punishment, maybe? Even if I didn't win anything, which, of course, would be nice I sure I still had something of worth to share. However, I am left sitting here, as I have done so often in the past as the clock ticks towards the deadline, wondering if I actually really genuinely believe that or if I am just kidding myself that I am any good.

My eyes had developed a nervous twitch that wouldn't quit.

No wins and only some small good results here and there, suggest, there may be a case for either side of the debate. What really is there to lose, though if I publish this latest piece. This latest, soul-bearing piece of writing that I have poured my blood, sweat and tears into? My self-respect? The mask I use to hide the real me? I don't have much self-respect or self-belief in my abilities. I am also quite sure people have a good measure of the real me, whether my mask is pressed against my face or not.

It just feels as if there are all these other people out there who produce the most wonderful work. Work that moves you to tears, has you creasing with laughter or on the edge of your seat. Seriously, some bestseller-worthy stuff. Am I even sure my work comes close to matching theirs? This is the internal debate I have every time I think about publishing something, especially for competitions.

Oh well, if you don't take part, Mindy, you will never know. Besides, if no-one reads it, there's no embarrassment, is there? It will just disappear into the great abyss. But... what if someone does read it and picks out all those mistakes, I am sure are there. What if they don't think the plot makes any sense at all or think my descriptions are weak. What if I am exposed for the rank amateur, pretender I really feel I am.

I may as well throw my hands in the air in resignation that my writing hobby might be coming to a natural end. I don't think I can cope with this stress anymore. It was fun while it lasted. May as well put this piece of trash forward.

Now I have an image, a title that I am not even sure is really that enticing, I can hit publish then choose the community, tags and the correct challenge. Now time to close down the computer and hide until I can face looking at the damn thing again. I'll look in the morning. Yes. Time to forget about it, which means I will sit, lie, and do everything I need between now and then thinking of nothing else. I hate the way my heart already feels like it's in my mouth and my belly is contracting unhealthily.

<<<>>>

The Next Morning

As I open my eyes, after a rough sleep. Damn, that bright sun coming through the window is quite blinding. I don't know why the sun is so happy and cheerful today. I am a bag of nerves. I'll load up the laptop and get a coffee from the machine and put myself out of my misery. At least the coffee is warm and comforting. Time to pull on the fireproof vest and Hazmat suit.

So far, so nothing. There's a whole host of notifications and none relate to my story. There are at least two pages of new notifications though, so it'll take a moment. Click. Click. Oh, they've published a new story - I bet it's the best thing I've read this week.

Wait. My heart is beating a little faster. I have just seen the best thing "Paul Stewart commented on your story". Oh, that's nice. He's always giving great feedback. Though, I never really know if he is telling the truth or not. I mean... he says he is. But does he really mean it? He could just be saying what I want to hear. That doesn't sound right though. Let's click and see what he said.

What... the. 10 likes already and more than just Paul's comments. I'll scroll past the others, though, and read Paul's. Hopefully he's not been too harsh.

"The reason I always love reading your work, Mindy, is because you put so much heart and soul into it. Your characters come to life and are so easy to relate to. Your descriptions are incredibly vivid. So much so that the intensity was palpable. I had palpitations reading that final paragraph. Well done."

Well. That was... Surely a one-off? Maybe it's just Paul.

He always says nice things. Maybe he's got it wrong. I am not really that good, am I? My own common sense tells me, I am not. But... what if I am wrong.

Taking a moment to let it sink in, I look over the words again. "heart and soul" I always try to put my heart and soul into everything I write. He also picked up on the characters and the descriptions. I've been really working on those.

Maybe it's not just Paul then. Wait... what do the other comments say?

I bet at least one exposes me for the fake-ass amateur I know I really am.

The warmth of that sun and the warmth of these comments though, is giving me a greater sense of worth and belief in my abilities.

"Well done, Mindy. This is outstanding writing. You are a supreme storyteller."

"Awesome job. Top Story for sure, Mindy dear."

All the same kind of thing. Someone picked up on my misspelling of the, I still don't know how that stray "y" got there. But. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I feel so much calmer and positive about my writing than I did yesterday. I need to compose myself before thanking all of these wonderful people for their encouraging words.

Mindy will write another day.

*

Thanks for reading!

Author's Notes: Incase it was not clear - this is based on the experience many of us have had when we've published something and not been sure about it, but recieved lovely feedback and encouraging words in the comments section that help us feel better about our work. Thanks goes to Rachel Deeming for the idea and Hannah Moore as she wrote a piece with a similar theme a few months ago that was in my head a little.

The comments have been changed/paraphrased and no names apart from my own have been used, as I didn't have time to clear the use of anyone's and felt it might be kinder to leave names out of it.

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