Double time

Shock.

That was the first one.

It was so weird though, I never felt like I was shocked.

Shock was followed quickly by denial.

The instinct to survive.

The things that happen to keep our minds safe.

To keep ourselves safe.

***

They all wanted me to fail.

ALL OF THEM.

They had planned and plotted. The whole time, I was none the wiser. I just went about my business as I always do. Meeting the current challenge in front of me. Working through previous pain and betrayal and childhood brainwashing and trama.

I just wanted to live my life. I wanted to be free. I wanted to be happy and thrive and in doing so, facilitate that loving, thriving environment for my daughter.

But they would not see that happen.

They would not allow me to be the person that I was destined to be. They would not allow me to enjoy what I do. They would not allow me to live.

That's where they went wrong.

They do not dicate who lives or who dies. They do not write my histoy nor do they re-write my destiny.

For they are not gods. They are barely men.

"They are not kings, nor queens, nor magical beings.

They are trash and they are foe.

Their hard won karma will dictate where they now will go."

***

It is true what's been said about experiencing trauma. Only the one who has experienced such devastating loss, such torment, such abuse; only that person knows what they need to heal themselves.

Only that person knows hows it feels.

Trust me. You don't want to understand that pain.

No one does.

***

It had been almost six months since the events had unfolded. Almost half a year since the day I almost took my last breath.

Unknowingly.

Sometimes, I think that is the worst part.

Not knowing.

I guess that most people don't have these thoughts or conversations in their mind. Most people either live or die. They don't later realize this would be the anniversary of their death.

Escaping death.

That's different. How do you live, knowing that those you loved most and trusted wanted you dead?

Not just wanted. Wished and hoped.

And tried.

That's a whole other level of trauma.

***

Coming to terms has not been easy.

Greif is a process that grips you by the throat. It chokes you. It messes with your mind. It takes what you once knew as truth and it makes you question your reality.

It tells you lies.

It tells you the truth.

The trauma spiral, un-relentlessy holding you hostage, to a reality that you never deserved.

***

In some ways I delayed feeling the pain.

I focused on showing up, as I normally would and I hid even the notion that there was anything altered.

Even from myself.

Now, I'd like to think I made that decision after thought went in to what would be the best way to survive this. For once a choice of my own. A choice to protect my ownself, where all others have failed me.

Or worse.

Hunted me, as if I were prey.

It wasn't a choice.

It was a natural response to experiencing something that most people do not survie.

So, maybe I didn't think it through and choose it in that moment. Maybe I am as helpless as my mind would sometimes have me believe. Maybe that is the conditioning I am still working through, as I work through greif and trauma.

I have now come to the belief that I chose it long ago. And in doing so, I have created an iron strong will to survive.

Maybe I am stronger than I even know. Therefore; the part that was too much to bear, too much to carry, too much to experience all at once and all alone; something kicked in, everything that followed, the will to carry on.

***

The un-raveling.

It was the day we listened to Chopin.

The day that I can pin point anyways.

I had been cleaning out some spaces. A bit of spring cleaning you can say. I was sorting out some things that could be donated and some things that could be trashed.

I found some old makeup bags, small ones. All empty but one. In the one, there was some old jewelery. Some that was my daughters, some that had been mine.

I don't remember the precise item (charm) that had her gleefully bursting with excitment. I do remember the next moment that followed.

Total disappoint. That lasted about half a secoond as she quickly tossed me the dainty necklace that was in a pretty good knot.

In that moment I was pleasantly surprised, then totally shocked by how fast all those emotions and events had transpired.

It was pretty late and I was done with my spring cleaning for the day. I was a bit tired and didn't really feel up to the task of un-knotting the tiniest of gold chains.

It had made her so happy though.

Then equally frustrated, because she knew it was stuck, and as long as it was knotted, she couldn't put it on.

I remember standing up from the floor, half determined to get it un-knotted and half determined to do so as quickly as possible.

Fully determined to power through this moment.

I'm not sure what exactly inspired the idea.

"Hey Siri play Chopin." I said as I smiled.

My daughter looked at me, a bit confused as she knows I don't have those features enabled.

An ipad of hers does though and I was curious if it would pick it up.

It did. But it didn't understand the accent.

We then got it to play Chopin.

As I focused on the task at hand, tiny little knots forming bigger knots, and those knots, a yet, bigger knot.

Gently make the tiny chain loose in places to give the un-doing more flexibility.

When she heard the first notes, she smiled as her eyes smiled and she seemed again slightly confused, unsure I had intended to pick such lovely music at a time of un-knotting this little object.

I smiled.

She knew it was intentional.

We both smiled.

We sat a bit and listened. I continued my work on the necklace.

We then discussed Chopin and Mozart and others and before I knew it, that annoying little knot of sorts was almost completely free.

Not long after, I had un-knotted them all.

In probably a bit of a record time. My focus had remaind as we enjoyed the unexpected beautiful moment.

An epic un-knotting.

A beautiful metaphor of sorts.

All emotions valid. All parts of the journey important. Honoring the task at hand. Enjoying the moment.

Having grace and patience with something that is challening.

***

There were moments in the months that had carried me a half year forward of varying emotions.

I felt angry at times. And very rightly so.

I felt the pain of betrayl, as I have many times before. That didn't make it hurt less.

Half a year of self- reflection and growth. Half a year of teaching myself new things and processing the trauma.

And then, I came to terms with where I was and what that meant.

I let it hurt. And I sat with it. And I let it teach me, all that I needed to know.

I've had many moments of grief and some un-raveling in the mix.

I had an extreme awarness of many things, yet some things still aluded me. As is common with trauma and ptsd.

Everyday I aim to be better than the last. To learn more. To understand more. To be kind. To make sure I am the best person that my daughter could have as a mother. To be her best and strongest example.

Falling apart was never an option.

And I didn't.

And I haven't.

I am determined to get past this pain. To greive what I have lost and what has been taken from me. To greive the person I had to leave behind, to become this version of myself. To grieve the parts of me that I loved, in that prior version of me.

The parts I loved, yet had to leave behind. To survive.

I am determind to face any monster that shows up in the night. Any monster that would attempt to haunt my dreams. I am determind to defeat the monsters and ghosts of the past.

And most of all I am determind never to become one.

Like those monsters who came for me.

When I was nothing but kind and pure of heart. Sent to help them, not to be hurt by them.

Now, maybe they are haunted by the ghost of who I used to be.

When I loved them all, whilst they secretly hated me.