Do you know your Breaking Point?

Have you ever heard of the phrase "Second opinion" in regards to medical advice? It occurred often when a professional medical advisor stated something unbelievable or unwanted. That may seem odd to you, but what is even more surprising, is that many have sought a "second opinion" in such matters, and found what they were looking for. Your BMI alerts one trained professional to tell you that you are obese, while only 20 pounds overweight. Yet another doctor who had previously been a Sumu wrestler says you are perfectly healthy. Sometimes a second opinion is the way to go.

Have you ever broken down? The stress or the anger or the fear or the sadness or the shame just built up to such a toxic and extreme level that you completely spazzed out like a Tasmanian Devil in a Bugs Bunny cartoon? Holding emotions in for a long time has that effect on people. I'm from an old school tradition where we were taught to be that way. Showing emotion (especially tears) was considered "weak" and/or "vulnerable" and not advisable in city life. "Never let them see you sweat...." OR CRY for that matter. Cubic Zirconia tears only if they advance you, but never real tears from the heart. So we bottled them up. We held in our anger at being disrespected for the sake of Friday's paycheck. We held our tongues about being bullied or beaten up, for the sake of our family not having to fight our battles. We smiled through our pain or fears and lied to the ones we loved most, because we loved them, and didn't want to stress them out or make them as worried as we were. I can't lift 50 pounds, but gosh darn it I can hold in 50 tons of emotional pain for 30 years. Just watch how strong I am!

And then.... BAM. One stupid little thing that has nothing to do with anything sets off the BOMB. BOOM! The Tasmanian Devil Tornado has been unleashed. Some of the firestarters and gaslighters watch with smiles on their faces saying "See, I told you they were unstable." while others watch in horror never guessing that the strong one could become so ugly, stormy, or violent. "What happened?" they will keep pondering not being able to make sense of that last straw on the camel's back.

They broke. That's what happened. They were neglected and abused and denied for years and they finally broke. Like the pipes in your bathroom that have never had any maintenance in 30 years. Like the mold and termites in the foundation of your house that you're not aware of. Like the tire you drove over 500 miles on without ever suspecting there was a nail in it. Yeah, people break too. They break after having been strong for too long. And when they do, they don't get any apology or sympathy or reward. Nope. They have to face even more pain and judgement for breaking, as if what made them break wasn't hard enough.

Does any of this resonate with you? Are you familiar with your own Tasmanian Devil? Do you know your breaking point and does it come with any warning signs? I do. I flip out almost once per month and that has become the "norm" cycle for the past 3 years while I've been dealing with an ex-lover roommate who has the same psych issues as me: Bipolar and Mutiple Personality Disorder. He is not diagnosed and no one would ever suspect that about him --- but if I label him a "Narcissistic Gaslighter" I doubt anyone would believe that either.

I've learned how to play the "game" now. Took me 3 years, but I've learned. I can not romanticize the relationship for one second. That leaves me emotionally vulnerable, and then targeted. Best to keep silent and smile politely as if anything said between us is complete and utter hogwash. I've learned to ask for as little as possible, so that there are no expectations of "returning the favor" because I do not get any compassion when I'm sick, nor do I get any gratitude for going any extra mile. In fact, I often get ignored, especially on holidays, belittled, especially when I have ambitious ideas, and taken for granted, especially when I do something kind and generous. Oh yes, I've learned how to play this game now.

Hello. Have a nice day. That's the extent of trustworthy conversation. If I want to dress it up anymore go with "Nice weather."

I had a "melt down" or "TAZ SPAZ" a few days ago. Not from any gaslighting. Nope. About a month ago I had acquired a new PC computer. It was exactly what I wanted and I was very happy. It took me 2 months to catch up for the $400 I spent to get the new computer. It was all set up and running and I was glad I made the decision to get what I wanted. Then, a week before the "TAZ SPAZ" the computer started flaking out. Every day it would lock up or act like it wasn't connecting. As soon as my roommate would come near it or touch it, it would work again. One morning, I went to use my computer again, and it was being flaky again. TAZ SPAZ TORNADO. I threw the whole computer across the room, then did a MOSH PIT stomping dance on top of it until it was crushed to pieces. Sounds insane right? I know. But you have no idea how long the fuse was before that bomb went off. That was a 3 year long fuse that actually was invented 30 years ago.

Anyway, don't worry. I spent the past few days morning the loss of my PC and $400, and now I'm mostly back to regular programming. I've been dealing with my Tasmanian Devil for a long enough time to know what to do in such drastic and insane episodes, and I've also learned not to call 9-1-1 and say "I want to kill myself" because I don't. I'm not crying wolf to paid advisors who don't care. I'm not going to pretend that anyone cares at all, and now I don't care either. Phew. So glad I don't have to be strong anymore.