Diary entry day 1

I woke up or maybe went to sleep

I’m not sure

The night is day, last week feels like yesterday and next week feels as though I’ve already experienced it

The days are unknown

I’m not sure if I’m even living

I know I’m moving but I’m not sure where

Am I running from something or am I running towards someone?

I see empty roads

I can feel the cold

I can only keep moving my feet

“I swear I’m lifting my feet so why do I keep stumbling?”

Right when I said that out loud, I finally took a big fall

Again, I’m not sure if I’m waking up from a nightmare or falling into a sweet dream but this time I’m holding someone’s hand

I looked up at them and asked “When did I get here?”

They replied “I never left”

I said, “Did I?”

They looked into my eyes and said, “No, you just forgot”

I felt a pain in my chest, “I’m sorry”

“It’s okay I’ll always help”

Before I can even ask them how

I fell again

It felt like my body was switching realities but my mind was just as numb

I couldn’t feel the warmth of their hand anymore but I was still holding something

It was a little black book

It looked like it’s been used too much but not at all

Maybe a diary?

I opened the first page and in my handwriting it said

“This is the end, not the beginning”

Is this mine? I asked

I can’t remember anything I’ve done in my life or if I even wrote this

How can I write about something when I’ve done nothing??

My best thought was if this is the end then the end of the book is the beginning

I flipped to the end,

“Sorry I had to leave so fast but I left you a gift

Try to remember the memories that made you who you are ”

As I read that, I started to see tears on the pages

I realized it was my tears and my handwritten but not my memories

I turned the page to see if the memories were there but it was blank

“Remember what?” I said out loud as my voice cracked from the tears

The blank page started to fill with the words, “It’s okay that you don’t remember, it was needed”

I look around trying to figure out how this book respond to me

Are they somewhere close? Are they listening to me?

I flipped the page to see my handwriting again with the words, “I was responding to what I knew I would say “

I was shocked, I felt goosebumps run down my arms

I was feeling something when I haven’t felt anything in so long

It broke me

I yelled at the book, “I want to know more, please what were those memories”

The page wrote “eh, it’s too easy if I just told you”

“Ha HA HAHAHAH” I’m laughing and I can see the pages laughing with me

I forgot what this felt like

At least I know this really is me

As I calmed down from the laughs I asked, “okay so what do I do now?”

The pages said “What you’ve always done”

What I’ve always done?? What do you mean??

How am I supposed to do what I’ve always done when I’ve done NOTHING?

The pages flip almost causing the black book to fly out of my hands and in bold I see the words,

“Who are you to tell me I’ve done nothing?”

I closed the book, too angry at myself for forgetting yet too furious with the book for not telling me

What do you mean I’ve done something?

I’ve done nothing

I’ve never been able to keep myself safe

To keep myself fed

To have a place to call home

Not even something worth remembering

I want to scream, cry and laugh at the same time

I feel as though I have a small grasp on life and that little bit was slipping away from me

I need help

I wanted help

I open the book from where I left off

And pleaded to the empty pages

“Then what have I done?”

The book responds

“Enough to fill this book with words”

The book began to feel heavy and every page filled with words

Words in different colored ink that seemed to never stop

The spine beings to break as photos, movie tickets, amusement park maps, love letters, birthday cards, and more fill every page

At some point, an envelope too big to fit in the book falls out

In that moment I can see more hundred dollar bills than I’ve seen in my entire life

It kept flowing out, maybe ten- no, twenty thousand dollars all fell to my feet

As I tried to collect the money I saw a note with my handwriting again

It said,

“I’m sorry,

The days became too dark and I forgot that I was always looking out for myself

I’m sorry I took so long to remember all that I’ve done

All the smiles, laughs, love, and joy I’ve felt

I’m sorry I made you feel alone

I just tried to do what was best and I thought, if we keep going then we would never have to remember the bad

I didn’t know that erasing the bad made us forget the good

Please remember what you’ve done to survive

And use this money to create the life we always wanted, the life we always needed, and the life we secretly always had

P.S. I love you but it’s time to wake up”