Dear Phoenix Series - Letter #1

Dear Abuser,

You took a lot from me. You took my freedom, my sanity, and more importantly, you took away who I was. Even to this day, you still taunt me in my thoughts. However, I have accomplished more than I could ever imagine. Linkin Park came out with a new song called the The Emptiness Machine. It just came out recently, and honestly it applies to the situation you put me through.

“Your blades are sharpened with precision… Already pulling me in.

Already under my skin, and I know exactly know how this ends,”

You picked me as an easy target. You saw that I was already broken. With failed relationships and a family who never cared or loved me. You saw someone who you could treat like a slave. You gave me a sense of hope for a new life. Somewhere I could belong, feeling wanted. You gave a sense of freedom, one I hadn’t had before. I thought I could escape from being tortured in my own home.

“I let you cut me open, just to watch me bleed.

Gave up who I am for who you wanted me to be. Don’t know why I’m hopin’ for what I won’t receive.

Fallin’ for the emptiness machine,”

You know, I was warned about you. Actually, about that entire side of the family. However, being the black sheep already, I figured it was a lie. If I had only listened. Even my other abuser had said that she hadn’t liked you. I just figured she was trying to isolate me. I didn’t learn your true motive until it was too late, and I was stuck with you for a year. During that time, my grandmother passed, and you had introduced me to a guy that I had fallen over heels over because “you thought it would make me happy” as I was already super depressed with my grandmother passing. Little did I know, it was going to be a cover for you to use me so you could cheat on your husband.

Let’s talk about your husband real quick who was also another abuser. Let’s call him B. B was verbally abusive towards me, not only that, but psychologically too.

“Goin’ around like a revolver, it’s been decided how we lose.

...

I keep on lyin’ too, already pulling me in,”

I was working on keeping the house clean, and well-stocked. I was tired from living at home when there wasn’t enough food. However, it hit me hard when your husband said that I was eating all the food in the house, and that I needed to stop or else there would be a lock on the fridge and I wouldn’t be allowed to eat. So, I stopped eating pretty much. All I would eat was a single pack of peanut butter Austin crackers and water. I would usually eat after taking Bear (ya know the black Pomeranian that your sister gave me, that you had killed because your piece of shit niece wouldn’t let me take her. You claimed she bit you, but it was a lie. She was so sweet) on a walk.

I lost over thirty pounds. The lightest I had ever been in years. But then here comes the man you made me fall for. Let’s call him A.

“Cause there’s a fire under the alter,”

You had set up for me to meet him at Bear Cove Park in Weymouth Massachusetts (yes, I am stating the place, but not for the reason you think. It’s a beautiful park that ranges from Weymouth to Braintree, if you are ever in the area). We walked for hours, just talking. We talked about books, anime, music. When it started getting dark, we went back to the house we were renting at the time.

That’s when he kissed me. It was the first time I had felt sparks. I was head over heels. I cooked dinner that night and then it was off to send him to the train station so he could head back to Boston where he was staying helping a non-profit organization helping the streets of Boston with fresh produce. Little did I know your and A’s true intentions.

“I only wanted to be part of something… I let you cut me open

To watch me bleed. Gave up who I am for who you wanted me to be,”

A few days had gone by, A and I texting back and forth. I had missed his warmth. Maybe even saw a future with him. You started going to help A with the non-profit with the woman who owned it. You had plans of leaving your husband because of his abuse and the owner of the non-profit promised a roof over our heads.

However, whenever I had asked to go to help, I was always told no. I started getting thoughts that something was going on, but I didn’t want to believe it. After all, why go through all of that, setting us up right? Boy. I was played like a damn fiddle. You sat me down one night when B, your lawfully wedded husband, was at work. That’s when you told me that you and A had fallen for each other. I was heart broken. Then you had the nerve to ask me to drive you to A that night. As a good little slave, I did. After you got out of the car, I sped off. I cried all the way home, and then cried myself to sleep.

It was hard to wake up the next day knowing that everything was a lie. I wanted to escape. I wanted to run back into my other abuser.

arms and suffer there instead. I had hoped that on my way home the night before I would have crashed into the rail and my life would have ended. I know it seems silly to

want to end my life over a boy, but it was way more than that. You were someone I full heartedly trusted. You were the last person I had expected to do something so shitty too. Then your sister died and we were celebrating A’s birthday. I had to let him sleep in MY BED. But at that point, I didn’t feel like it was my bed since you and I slept downstairs. You on the couch, and me on the pullout love seat. However, it still stung.

Once we moved, I was still crying over the situation. Your shitty niece that I mentioned early had figured out I wasn’t crying for her mother, but for another reason. She knew that A was with you as a partner at the time. She told you that there was something wrong. So, I told you what he had told me.

During our move, I had asked A if he had ever truly meant anything he ever said. Of course he didn’t. He had told me that he had moved to Massachusetts from Georgia to be with you because he was completely head over heels for you. However, you were married. He had plans to use me to get to you. And if that didn't work out he wanted settle to be with me. Meaning, I wasn’t even good enough.

You claimed that you kicked him out while we were moving and told him to go back home. That you slapped him across the face… I highly doubt that it actually happened. I learned later that it was all a façade. I had learned after I freed myself from you that you had continued talking to him. You used A to message me again under a fake account making me think I had a chance with him yet again. However, he was getting information, feeding into your disgusting mouth, snaggled tooth cunt. You were able to take what he gave you and hurt me more.

At that time, I had a boyfriend from when I did the online radio station moved in with us. When you kicked me out over dish soap that the neighbor asked you to borrow, he and I left. Little did I know you had him wrapped around your disgusting fingers too. A week after we had left, he was going back up to visit mutual.... no that's wrong. I thought they were were mutual friends. However, come to find out that you had come to pick him up knowing that you wouldn’t be allowed on the property. He met you down the street.

You caused me so much emotional distress that the only solution was to leave him the second I found out.

“I only wanted to be a part of something…

Gave up who I am for who you wanted me to be.

Don’t know why I’m hopin’. So fucking naïve,”

It took me a while to get a job, but I got one at Burger King. It was my first day and I had no idea what I was doing. It was during a dinner rush. So, after messing up a few times on the front register, I was stuck in drive-through collecting money. Something new happened to me. I could hear your disgusting voice, saying that I was a disappointment. In my head.

Your voice echoing that my existence is a mistake. That I should kill myself. Things that you would say to me on a daily basis. I ended up breaking down in the drive-through. My manager Karen, god bless her. She helped me through the rest of the day. She told me her daughter had gone through something similar and that she was going to help me get through it. And she did.

I still struggled but I was able to pull through as I worked. I showed that you couldn’t control me anymore. I felt free from your clutches finally. However, I almost lost myself. I drank and smoked marijuana heavily. It was one of the few ways I could deal with hearing your disgusting nasally voice echoing in my head every minute of every day. It had drowned it out.

The year is now 2024. You, A, B and my ex had told me that nobody would ever love an “ugly piece of shit” like me. I am happily married to the best man. I honestly don’t deserve his kindness, friendship, or love. I have a family who loves me.

I have even have children, in a way. They may not be biologically mine, and I may not have adopted them, but sometimes they call me mom instead of Auntie. My heart has never felt so full of love in my entire life.

I remember when I moved to Tennessee, you or your disgusting cunty niece got ahold of my phone number through my photography page. I felt a moment of terror, however, it was my sister Kasey who told me to stand my ground. That I was far away from you, that you couldn’t harm me anymore. And she was right. A few days later I had found out that you had accidentally unblocked me and had liked something I had posted. I knew then and there, that you couldn’t block me for over twenty-four hours, and that my happiness fucking TORTURES you.

I can't help but wonder which hurts you worse, the fact that I'm happy or the fact that you can't ruin it?

I took the liberty to send you a message over facebook. I told you that because of you, I met the right people and I was loved. Before you could send a message with false intentions, I blocked you. I had won. Ever since then, I have been in control of my life. I am no longer scared of you.

Fuck you abuser,

I AM FREE