Dear Phoenix Letter #2

To A Woman Who Was Never The Mother She Pretended To Be

By Hope MartinPublished about a year ago • 9 min read

Dear Abuser,

It’s been four years since the last time I saw you. Since the last time I heard your disgusting voice. The last thing I had ever heard you say was something to my husband. That I was cheating on him with Hope. But that was the furthest from the truth.

Before we get to four years ago, lets review the years prior and how you were a horrible. It all start when I met you for the first time. I think I was four years old, being abused by my biological mother. Verbally, physically and mentally. I had learned at the age of four to help an adult calm down from crying or panic attacks. I had to grow up way to quickly. I remember when I arrived to your house.

I had to pee so bad that I ended up peeing myself. My brother and I had just arrived from Cape Cod where our Biological mother lived. I should have seen the signs from one abuser to another. You dragged me into your bathroom, berating me for peeing myself. I was sobbing. I didn’t know better, I had just been recently pottied trained. My bladder was little. What else was I suppose to do?

Then you picked on my weight, that I had no control over. My biological was trying to get us overweight to basically kill us. However, we didn’t find out that plot twist until several years later when we found a letter admitting to her crimes of abuse after her death.

When my father got custody of us, I thought things were going to be way better. Adult me now wishes I could go back in time and tell child me the truth. Maybe life would have been different. Your grandsons hated my brother and I because we took their grandmother away from them. That was never the case. They hated my father which I gained to understand once I was older, because I too have hate for him.

I learned to hate myself from your grandsons. I was disgusting. Overweight. I was always overly excited to see my favorite animal, a horse and god forbid I get excited over that. I would be grounded if I ever made a sound when I saw one. I learned how to suppress my emotions at a young age. Then I learned I was always sad. That’s when the depression really came into fruition. I have been depressed since I was nine years old, living in hell.

I was the only girl out of four kids. The boys got away essentially with murder, but I was always punished the hardest. It became a point that I never left my room. I wasn’t allowed to play games because the boys twisted it to away that I never put the video games back into their cases. The only activity I had was Girl Scouts and even then they abandoned me because of you. When you look back I was a pretty lonely kid because of you.

I started working with you when you had your clown parties to start getting working experience and learned a few things. A coworker that we will call C for the moment had hired you to be a clown for her daughter, lets call her M. After the party you had forced me to be friends with her. I couldn’t stand her what so ever. However through out the years, she became a very close friend of mine until she wasn’t. She changed through out the years and you and C had asked me to guide her.

Eventually you hated her so much for what she had done, that you banned her from the house. Before we get to your vile atrocities to me as an adult there are still a few things that you did to me as a child that we are going to talk about. Do you remember that drumstick ice cream cone with the nuts that you threw in my face? And the nuts on it actually cut the skin?

Yeah, first of all fuck you and how dare you do that to a child. From that moment on I had the worst acne I had ever scene. It was so painful especially when you would pin me against the wall in the bathroom and squeeze them. I wasn’t allowed to push you off or else I would get in trouble. Fuck you. Remember the time that you and my father broke a video game on me that I am certain the boys hid so I couldn’t play.

I was in the middle of homework when my dad had found it. All I wanted to do was check out the game to see if it was still playable; ya know check for scratches. But instead, on your demand, he threw it to the ground and stomped on it until the case and game were in a thousand pieces. From that day on, I stayed with handhelds and kept mine in my room.

Even though I wasn’t allowed in the boy’s room, you allowed them in mine and they stole and sold my games. When I said something you didn’t believe me. So most days I would just sit on my PSP playing GaiaOnline.

Speaking of which. I had several friends on there. But you picked on two in particular. Helena and Matt. You brought me to the police station and they threatened me. I had no other choice to give their information. Then I wasn’t allowed on Gaia… However the boys were allowed too. Hypocritical bitch. Later on I was able to go back onto Gaia, rekindle my friendships with others I had lost during my ban on Gaia.

I even had regained my friendship with Helena and Matt. However, there were things you didn’t know and will never know. You lost that privilege when you became the enemy of the state.

Later on, I was having surgery, having a cyst removed from my tubes or else it would have killed me. Not even a day out of surgery, you were yelling and screaming at me to get up and be your slave because you are lazy piece of shit. However I could hardly move. You never asked the boys to help, but god forbid that they lift up a single finger to help. I was told by the surgeon that I would be at least down for two weeks while healing because the surgery was a bit complicated. But you threatened to sell you the house and I told you to do it and how I was tired of the threats.

I went back to work the next day. My incisions got severely infected. Every day, I had to drain my wounds of puss and gunk. It was super painful. I worked so much overtime I was barely home. The day I moved out for the second time, you never said a single word to me. Fuck you. When I told you a few months later I had a boyfriend you were so ecstatic. If I had remembered correctly (you say otherwise but I had this drilled into my memory) that you said I was going to be a whore and pregnant several times.

But this was the first serious relationship that you had known about. I had been with him before, and you saw the elegant gifts he gave me. A promise ring, a forever-lasting rose, and my favorite animal as a stuffy. Had I known then you were jealous because my father tossed you to the side like garbage.

Anyways, by September Michael and I agreed to be married. We threw an engagement party on Halloween. It was the best experience until my shitty roommate announced her engagement at my party. By that December 6th , we were married. The following year your current husband at the time had passed and a day later I had found out that I had uterine cancer. You were a solid rock at that moment and

I have no idea why at the time. But now I know. I was told that I was in remission six

months later, and Michael took me away to Tennessee as our “honeymoon”. That’s where I met my real family and fell in love with the area. It was Michael’s and I’s plan to move down. Hope came for her visit and by end of her visit, Michael stayed behind while I went down to start our new life. This is where I learned of your true intentions.

I would be on the phone and I could hear you accusing of cheating on Michael with Hope. So me and Hope as sick and twisted as we were, had Michael put us on speaker phone and pretended to have sex together. We were loud and proud. I could very distinctly hear in the background that you told Michael that you were right. However, Michael just laughed and said that we were in a threesome, and we were doing this for entertainment.

You then took it too far, and offered to take him away from me, stating that you would be true to him. I grew furious and begged Michael to come down sooner rather than later. It had made me feel uncomfortable that you would try to tempt a married man, a happily married man for that matter. Then, another round of betrayal came from your cunty hands.

I bet you thought we would never find out. But you never paid the last month you were last months rent, electricity, cable, and whatever bill was associated with that apartment. You screwed us over financially, just as you have screwed over everyone else you've ever been associated with. Michael and I had paid for literally everything so you could live a somewhat cushy life. You didn't have to work, or worry, until we moved out. We had made the deal and the arrangement and made sure you could handle it.

You knew exactly what you were doing, and I bet you planned to do it the minute you found out we were moving. This only grew the hatred I had for you. However, we had offered for you to move down with us so you could find an affordable place. You turned us down to be with your recent deceased husband’s best friend and you wanted to marry him. Basically for his money.

But Karma came and gave you a piece of justice from what I heard from my brother. His home smelled like urine and that he abused you and your dog. You over drafting your account that you had me on several occasions, because the bank was going to take me to court for. That’s when we had made the discovery of other things you left unpaid. You at one point had the balls to send my husband a message stating the apartment complex was going to take us to court over the remaining balance that YOU promised to pay.

Let’s not forget your new boo thing. It’s my adopted Aunt’s ex-fiancé. I mean, I hate that aunt with a burning passion, but why would you want someones sloppy seconds? ESPECIALLY of someone you know almost like family. Like, that is fucking disgusting. I can’t stand you. You are vile. You are disgusting. Most of all? You are so disrespectful. Maybe your parents should have beaten you more as a kid, because clearly you weren’t. Maybe your parents should have treated you the way you treated me.

I don’t think if they were still alive somehow that they would be proud for the things that you have done. I think they would be disturbed and just as disgusted as I am.

I get an email every now and then from the electronic picture frame that still has yours and Ed’s name on it. I’ve had thoughts about sending awful pictures, or ones that are happy so you know that I am living the best life without you and a reminder of that I don’t need you. It’s more or less you needed me. I was paying all your bills. Or your casino money. Because you know, you never paid bills until the water or electricity got turned off.

You are a despicable human being. I hope your new boy toy realizes this and leaves you. I curse you to live the rest of your life in loneliness because that’s all you deserve. You don’t have your grandkids anymore; they’ve basically have written you off. My brother tries to stay away from you as much as possible. So you’re already on the way of becoming lonely.

Fuck you,