Dealing with loneliness

Let's face it. Forced isolation sucks.

Add in, depression, anxiety, or being an introvert, and things become infinitely more difficult.

The description above is me. Although I have 2 children and a wife, I still get lonely. We work opposite shifts, my wife and I. I see her for maybe 15 minutes before she's off to work, then it's child minding until bedtime.

Day in, day out, lather, rinse, repeat. Friendships? I'm lucky to spend a few hours, digitally, with my best friend every week. Conversation? Aside from the few reddit posts, and random twitter messages, next to nothing. What do you do when your soul craves connection, but the world is moving towards disconnection and isolation? You travel inwards.

I laid in the bed of my truck, staring at the blue sky, sun warming my skin. My mind spinning with the thought of divorce after 7 years. Questioning every decision, replaying every moment of every day since the pandemic started. "What do I do now? What if we split up? How often will i see my children? How will I afford to keep our family home?" The questions spinning and churning in my mind.

"Hey" A voice whispered in the back of my mind. I've heard this voice before, this long dormant conversationalist, whom I hadn't heard in years. A familiar and comforting voice that I knew quite well. "I see you're in a pickle" the voice says.

"Yeah, quite the pickle I would say." I said with an internal sigh. "What do you suppose I do?"

"If I knew, I wouldn't be here right now" The voice says with a chuckle. "I've sifted through every experience you've had, every breakup, every tear, every heartbreak." They paused, as if to collect themselves. "Just like every unforeseen event in the past, all I can do is assure you that I'll be here."

It was a comforting thought. Knowing that, even with nothing, I would still have myself. Even through all the doubt and fear, that there was an innermost strength that lay hidden.

I pondered for a great long while, as we chatted some more. They reminded me of all the events of my past. They were there to console me when I lost my first child. They sat on my shoulder as I rode through town in the dead of night at 7 years old. They reminded me of all the mistakes I've made and the victories, in spite of them.

We may not talk often, but much like footprints in the sand, they only need to lift me up when the burden is too heavy for me alone to bear. They tend to the garden of my soul in times of drought, so that i may yield the fruit of the next season.

Realizing I have my own best friend. The only one who knows me, as I know them. Gave me a great sense of peace and calm. I wonder now, how many of us still talk to ourselves. I wonder how many of us can look inward to find themselves. If you haven't sat with yourself, I suggest you do it. If there is one thing this pandemic has taught me, is that we are stronger and more resilient than we give ourselves credit for. So take the time to listen to yourself, you may find you already know the answers to your own questions.