Day 9 of My 40 Day Fast: Something Dark Possesses My Brother - Part 2

I am repulsed by water. I reach this phase when I water fast. I’m overcome with such a strong aversion to it. I don’t want to put it into my mouth. After I drink it I feel gross. The irony is not lost on me.

My mental strength took a dip today. Showering this morning completely wiped my energy. I seriously considered whether I’m going to be able to complete this fast. It’s only day 9. It took so long to get here, and there’s still so far to go. I’m beginning to look a little emaciated. No one around me has noticed because I’ve been wearing glasses and baggy clothes.

I have never quit a fast, and I’ve fasted much longer than this. Fasting will test you. It will make you question your own strength, however it will also prove your strength and resilience to you.

In my prayers this morning I told God that I’m questioning whether or not I can make it. I received a message through Youtube this morning. “Keep putting one foot in front of the other.” The message went on to say that I’m going through a difficult time because it’s necessary for where I’m headed. I am in training to become stronger, and reminded me this difficult time is leading me to that which I’ve been praying for. This really helped.

I’m getting through my own thoughts and feelings that I need to keep this fast as pure as possible. I’m being guided to not put anything on my lips and skin because the skin absorbs. Which is a leap for me considering I’ve had a skincare routine since high school. My lips are chapped now, but I am interested to see how my lips and skin will fare. I’m hopeful my skin’s pH will balance and my lips won’t be so addicted to products for moisture.

I washed with only water in the shower, and I used a scrub on my body. Through trying to heal my body I’ve learned the smells that emanate from the body have to do with our diet. Water is very cleansing water. It can wash off a lot on its own. We’ve just been led to believe otherwise, and this is part of the illusions of the material world.

If you’re wondering why I’m doing this fast click on the story below.

This is a continuation of a previous post. Click on the story below to catch up!

My brother’s mental health decline has been a long, at times torturous, journey. My dad kept him away from us for a long time. At some point I didn’t see or speak to him for five years. My dad kept us updated.

He would have to move my brother from apartment to apartment because he’d get paranoid about the place he was living in or his neighbours. My dad brought him food and it was whatever my brother wanted to eat. My dad didn’t want my brother attempting to cook for fear he might burn the place down. In the last place we lived before separation he accidentally set fire to the house while cooking. He gets absorbed in his computer game and forgets he put something on the stove. To this day all he does is play computer games.

Years ago he wanted to go to an outdoor festival at a park near his apartment. My dad was happy he wanted to get out and asked me to go with him.

It was a beautiful summer day and we walked around the park checking out the booths. Conversations don’t flow with him the way they did when we were kids. As he sank deeper into his paranoia he stopped saying much. He stopped taking medication because they were too sedating. This requires others to carry the conversation and ask questions. I had yet to learn to let the silence be.

We grabbed some food and sat on the bleachers. I talked and asked questions to fill any silence. When he answered he started normal. Then his voice would drop to a whisper and he’d look over his shoulder or his eyes would dart around. The only people around us were several seats away.

I asked questions to figure out his thought process. I didn’t care how strange it was. What was leading to his peculiar behaviour? This version of my brother was new to me.

Why do you keep looking back?

He shook his head and looked away.

Why do you keep whispering?

He shook his head and looked over his shoulder again.

Is someone listening?

He gave me a sharp look and shushed me.

If someone’s bothering you I will help you.

His movements became frantic as he looked around. A wild look in his eyes.

He had stopped eating, and I wanted him to enjoy his evening, so I stopped pressing.

At the end of the day we walked on a trail that led from the park to his building. I was talking when he sidled up against me and peered down at me with a peculiar look in his eyes. After a few seconds I pulled away.

Some time later my dad confided that my brother had been saying strange things to him for awhile. He told my dad that he had to kill me. I knew he wasn’t in his right mind, but back then I wasn’t sure what he was capable of. My dad was the only person privy to my brother’s deranged thoughts, and always assured us he wasn’t a threat.

A restless thought would swirl through my head like a whirlwind from time to time; why me?