Day 14

14 Days

On the 17th January 2022, my wants and needs finally aligned. Today, I’m proudly two weeks sober. The longest in nearly 15 years.

It’s hard to explain. Nothing catastrophic or profound happened to me, although anyone in recovery will tell you it doesn’t have to. You can simply listen to your body, give it chance to see what it can really do for you. And sure enough, I’m the best I’ve ever felt.

The past two weeks haven’t been bliss. I’ve been tested, but I’ve felt stronger in every way. I hadn’t realised my own power. It’s been fascinating to sit with it and watch it play out, slowly revealing itself.

Something things I’ve learned:

1. There will always be bad days, outside forces charging at the fortress of my sobriety and wellbeing. They will come in all shapes and sizes, from pure circumstance to foul play. The anxiety will beg for mercy, wanting me to turn to old habits to ease the pain.

There will always be something I cannot control. Yet, sobriety has gifted me a renewed sense of self. The clouds have parted, and I can see very clearly. I may not be able to control how other people feel or make people happy, but I’ve never felt more in control.

2. My time and energy will be focused on my strengths, not entertaining my weaknesses. This will require making some drastic changes and hard decisions, especially where my career is concerned.

The fact that I’m on the right track with psychology/counselling will be life raft that saves me from drowning under the weight of the disappointments/hardships I’ll face when I leave my past life behind. I thought I’d be afraid to start over from scratch. But this time, I’m not. I’m starting from experience.

3. I am still me in many ways – I’m still something I have always felt – vulnerable.

But I’m experiencing something I’ve never felt – respected.

*

Day 15

I've been adding to my Sobriety playlist every day since I began this journey and none other than this spoken word by Ellie Goulding has resonated so much with my present feelings. "Cyan" perfectly sets up "Love I'm Given", a glorious track about changing the way we look at ourselves, our past and our circumstances. It reminds me that I am perhaps where I supposed to be, and a great source of faith and power, to know that we get out what we put in.

"… accepting and being at peace with all the mistakes in your life and realizing you get the same love back you give out… the fight between calm and chaos. The Boxing ring is weirdly the place I feel the most pure and in control… getting to a place of ultimate power when you know you are in the most powerful place you can be when you have that kind of revaluation about love and forgiveness."

- Ellie Goulding on "Love I'm Given"

*

Day 16

I'll leave you to Google "Pink Cloud Syndrome". There's a lot of great literature and journals on the common feelings of Euphoria and Elation in the early phase of sobriety.

It's disconcerting to think that I might be in that phase right now. That the serenity and peace will come to an end and the real struggle will start...

Fortunately, I have two crazy jobs to remind me - daily - that negative emotions, anxiety, toxicity and an overwhelming sense of despondency are very real. The primal questions of our existence - why am I here? What the fuck am I doing? What else do I have?

Today's been a good day, but as usual I am participating in/witnessing the blatant inequities and heartbreak that disrupt our precious time.

Life has been immeasurably better since I put down the wine, but I'm acutely aware of the lows, the peeling away of traumas. Unrealistic expectations is a flaw of mine - I can be devastated by the bursting of the bubble I've so carefully blown around me.

I'm reading voraciously about the realities of the process and using this honeymoon period to train new habits. Conscious of focusing on too many things at once, remembering recovery is slow and "success" means something else altogether.

Today I bought running shoes. Let's see how that goes. 💪🏻