Cut The Crap

Do you ever find yourself living through something tragic or dysfunctional your Parent, Grandparent, really any family member doing that was just terrible? That generational curse type thing? We all have a story. From substance abuse, mental illness, physical abuse-just overall no good-not right, bad juju. Well, have I got a story for you.

I know some of you reading this now may be struggling in an abusive relationship. Now more than ever during this pandemic, our homes that are supposed to be our safe haven could be more dangerous than ever. Typically it takes someone 7 attempts to escape from an abusive relationship. When there are children involved the situation could be even worse. During my experience that was the most painful part of it all. Having two small children at the time, they would come home to see my face so bruised and swollen I was sometimes almost unrecognizable. Trying to come up with something logical and harmless enough for a child to understand was the hardest thing to do. To see the worry and fear across their little faces. I was supposed to be their protector, so who was going to protect me? Now I am in fear of them getting hurt. Unacceptable.

After almost a year of letting these unacceptable things be acceptable, I got lucky. This was the last drag-out fight of my life. The fight where I saw the light, literally. This time I was in a concussed state after having my head smashed into the brick wall of my apartment building's hallway. The thin walls and the hollow stairwell made my cries echo from the basement to the top floor. At that point, everyone in the building had been awoken by the sounds of what could have been the end of me. He climbed on top of me as I was on the staircase and he put his hands around my throat. One hand on his chest, the other in my pocket hitting the emergency button for 911. At that moment everything was white. No more noise, no more anger, nothing.

Quickly, I feel a heat rush to my face and a rapid force pulls me up. Officers are all around me and he is gone. 6 people in my building called to police. It took them 4 minutes to get to me. They were able to witness the assault in progress so at that point it was the State against my abuser. The officers at the scene were the same officers who have had to come to my aid before, but I was too afraid to leave. I was too afraid of what could happen if nothing happened. I was taken to the hospital that night with too many injuries to count. I lost hearing on my left side due to the assault. The biggest thing I lost at that point was myself and my strength to carry on. No person in the world should ever be able to do that to you. I was showing my children this type of behavior was okay. I was making excuses for how and why it could keep going.

If I would have known this person had a dangerous past before I would have thought twice, It was not something that developed overnight and it is not something that will just go away either. After taking all the appropriate actions my abuser was sentenced and served time. Unfortunately, in the world we live in, dangerous offenders slip through the cracks and are allowed to roam free and go on to do the same to others. My message to you, if you or someone you love has been in an abusive relationship, or has knowledge of child neglect and abuse, do not be afraid to speak out. Talk to your tribe if you see them struggling. Tell your story, warn people about people. You can do everything in the world to try and keep the ones you love safe but If you know something, say something. Knowledge is power and by keeping secrets you help keep people sick. Looking back years later, of course, I would change many things. I do know that these things happened so that maybe I can help just one person by knowing that you are not alone and you can get out.

The trend that I see here is I continued to make things okay in the same fashion I watched growing up. Watching my mom go through different kinds of relationships that were not always the healthiest. I thought it was normal to be with someone who constantly needed to know your every move. Someone who needed to talk to you every second you were not with them. This is love, isn't it? Someone longing to be with you every moment you were away from them? No. I never realized the strong patterns and red flags of narcissistic abuse till after my mother's death. She was let us say, "Loved to death." Her significant other was the type of person who was extremely obsessive in every way. She ended up moving to Berkley Springs, WV to be with him and his elderly parents. When she would come and visit me and my kids, she would always stay with us and it made us all so happy. I can remember one evening, I was working a shift at a restaurant at the time. Both kids had little colds and my mom was at the house watching them. Last I checked, they were all snuggled up in bed watching Frozen for what I'm sure was the 25th time. Like any Grandmother with two sick grandkids under 5, laying and relaxing...they all three fell asleep.

It was a typical busy night at the Oyster Bar I worked at and could feel my phone continuously bussing in my apron. Each time I looked it was "Poppop", as the kids referred to him. I was so busy, I couldn't answer. He was home in WV and he knew that my mom was at my house, what could be wrong? He followed with texts saying, "Call me now" "Where the hell is your mother" "This is not a joke, you need to call me now!". Not ten minutes later, I answer the restaurant's house phone, I was working triple-duty that night. It was "Poppop".

"Where the hell is your mother?!" He yelled into the phone. "And why the hell can't you answer me, whatever is going on here I don't like it-What is she seeing someone? What are you hiding?"

I was sick to my stomach at just the tone of his voice.

"She's probably asleep with the kids, you're calling my work phone so you know I am at work. You know the kids are sick, where else would she be. Please do not call her with that kind of energy while she is trying to spend time with her grandchildren. We do not act like that here." Then red-faced and just shocked I hung up and finished my shift.

I texted my mom letting her know when she woke up that her boyfriend was on a tangent and not only called my cell phone 15 times, but also called my place of business and "NEEDS" you to call him. I suggested to her not to, but you can't tell your mom what to do.

Sadly, this was just one of the many outrageous events that happened over the years. They had a very tumultuous, high school-like relationship that lasted about 10 years. Disfunction at its finest. My mom had quite a story. A story I will continue to tell bit by bit. Till the day I die. She was strong and resilient. She had a life of trauma and chaos, wild adventures and lessons learned but there were always glimmers of beauty, hope, and success. Sadly, she left the world in a way that should have been prevented. Fight or flight can only go on for so long. Her true-life story and experience died with her, but she will always be a piece of me. I will keep fighting to share our stories so maybe someone can learn to live theirs to its fullest potential and leave when you know it's time.

- Time is the only thing we can't get a refund on, and be worth all the money in the world, my love.

K.E.B #socialgraces