Creativity

Creativity. The very thing that humans have dabbled with since well, forever. It can make or break us, empower us, help us flourish. But what about the things it can't do? Or the problems it creates for us? Especially those of us who are different.

If you're like me ADHD (and everything that comes with it) and possibly autism (don't even want to dive into that rabbit hole) are a constant problem in your life. You can't focus, or you focus too much on the wrong things, or you daydream too much, or whoops, its depression time because yeah, you have that now too. -_-

Then there are times when everything's too much. Things are too bright and loud. It feels like there's scratchy fire across your skin or like your nails scraped the old paint on a car (uh huh you all cringed at that one, felt the phantom feels on your nails?) Shit gets old real fast.

Then the anger comes it washes over you like a wave of lava over Pompeii. You're anger. You can't focus, nothing feels right, and you can't use medication. Whether you know you have ADHD or not some of us don't trust it, others can't afford it (like me), or your parent(s) say "your fine, ain't nothing wrong with you. You just want to act special to have an excuse to be weird." (also like me).

You have to do something, anything! To get rid of this burning feeling you have no clue t0 express. An old paint set does the trick. Doesn't matter you haven't used it in years. It's pretty useful now. You paint and paint and paint until the anger goes away and all that's left is pretty pages of wet color that well you're pretty damn proud of.

If you're lucky enough the arts or all things creative become your outlet for everything. Whether you had a shitty day and need to unwind, you're happy and want to show it, or you simply got the itch to pick up a pencil and use it. It'll always be there for you to use. But if you're unlucky enough sometimes you have the burning desire to create but nothing flows. Like a pen with no ink. Some have a naturally born talent that they nurtured. Others have an average talent they still struggle to maintain. Sure, it was great at first but, the less you got to use it or even no matter how much you used it nothing ever changed. But you still get that itch, that craving, to create something your sense of perfectionism can be proud of.

It rarely happens of course. Most of time you end up throwing out the page you're writing or drawing on, tears of frustration already building up, but you end up trying again later anyway. Because you love the punishment. You little masochist. (Never had to spell masochist before). Often times the spell that comes over you when you create is worth it for the reward.

But that spell doesn't pay the bills. That spell isn't worth the self-loathing that you feel when you can't find a job or stay in college because you, Can't. Do. Absolutely anything right. Neither is the reward. The reward feels like a cheap pay off. "Good job! You recreated that cute little duck drawing you saw! But you can't suck it up and work at the daycare? No one wants to hire you because your 19 and have no skills because you spent your whole life in a box? I wonder if that duck drawing is worth it?"

You always feel wrong. Everything feels so wrong, as you sit here day in and day out.

Unable to get a job (because no one's hiring in the area you live in)

You can't drive (no one took you to the DMV when you finally had time to study, and it was covid time)

You have no working skills, (no one would let you learn them. Ever the obedient lamb, aren't we?)

You have no work experience so no one will hire you, (no one let you get a job when employers were hiring and letting you learn. They fucked you over.)

Your creativity can only pay the bills if you have the talent, the skills, the network, sometimes the degree, and sometimes the money. If you don't have either of those well, your simply shit out of luck.