Restless

There are times when I get like this. Completely bored out of my mind and a longing for freedom? I guess? I'm not entirely sure what it is, but I do know it bothers the hell out of me. The abosolute hell that is this restlessness is a feeling that lingers for hours. It makes me unable to relax and makes all types of anxiety pop up. Like what my coworkers think of me when I felt I asked a dumb question. How they must talk of me behind my back, how they don't love me as I do them. Everything that is a small problem suddenly turns into a big problem. I'm just tired and bored and I can't fucking type right. Everything gets to be too much. I wish it could all be better. To take my medication that I can't figure out how to get. But I wonder how it'll affect me this late in the game. I just don't want to spiral again. Down into that deep rabbit hole that drags me into the very depths of hell. When I'm like this everything puts me on edge. I don't like bugs some I don't mind others make me unease. Right now merely seeing a moth fly around in my space was enough to send me into a freak out. I can feel the paranoia scratching up my skin. Crawling its way into my feel so it settles in my very bones. Every fluttering sound, every rub of fabric sends me down further. I don't know what noises to trust or what to do or who to go to. In these situations I have no one. No one to give me the same courtesy of the comfort I always willingly provide. I don't do it for their gratitude or for them to pay me back, but because I don't want them as alone as I was. I just need a distraction so the itch will stop. Writing is helping a bit, but I can still feel the claws digging into the nape of my neck. I want to call someone anyone to unlatch the claws to stop the poison from spreading. But currently, I have no one. No one who will listen. He will be busy or tired is what I'm telling myself. "He'll be confused and make fun of you like the others he has no need to care for you. You've only known him for two months!" Everything screams at me. But the tiny hope at the bottome of Pandora's box askes me, "but what if he does? What if you are to him as he his to you? His family, his little sister? What if he too wants to know if his sibling is ok? Blood related or not. Friends or just coworkers. The care is still there, is it not?" But the war of guilt and doubt is still waging heavily on in the background. There's always something. The restlessness invites all these feelings in and never allows them to leave. Everything just hurts so bad. I want it to go away to take my pills and make it go away. But I have work tomorrow morning. With my job I have to be in top mental and physical condition. I can't allow my pills to get in the way of that. Ha, I'm just living off false hopes and ideologies right now. Everything will go away on its own after tormenting me for a couple of hours. I wish I could take a walk but I'm not allowed to be out this late unless its for a reason like getting food.