Confessions of a Compulsive Gambler

It all began on my 10th birthday. I received a birthday card from my grandmother and stuffed inside were ten one-dollar scratchers. The bright colors, the games, and the anticipation of scratching off the silver coating to potentially reveal a prize was thrilling.

Every year on my birthday thereafter I continued to receive scratchers in my birthday cards. My immediate family quickly started to notice my attraction to gambling and rather than curb my fascination, they fed into it. They bought me scratchers on their visits to the gas station and told me stories of Las Vegas that made it sound like my own personal haven.

As the years passed and my 18th birthday approached, I started googling, “How do you play Black Jack?” and for weeks I incessantly watched YouTube videos and read tutorials. I only wanted to learn how to play one table game because most importantly, I had my eyes set on the slot machines.

Chumash Casino was about two hours away from where I was living at the time — a small trek for a California girl with a bright lights and ringing bells in her eyes.

The day I turned 18, I got in my car and made the journey that sealed my fate. But first, I stopped for gas and bought three scratchers for good luck.

Two hours later, I walked into Chumash and my nostrils flared. The smell of cigarette smoke invaded my senses and made my eyes water but could not deter me. I went straight to the ATM in the back, pulled out $500 and sat down at a bright, flashing Quick Hits slot machine.

I lost $100 immediately.

“Eh, I’ll make it back on a different game,” I thought, and moved to on to the next.

Two hours later, my $500 was gone, but my hopes weren’t.

I was still buzzing. It didn’t matter that I’d lost $500. I felt like I had downed three energy drinks as my eyes excitedly scanned the room and my heart increasingly raced. I was craving more. Logically, I knew that I shouldn’t have taken out any more money — I had already lost enough. But my will-power had taken a vacation and my desires were unstoppable.

On my 18th birthday I lost $900, but I gained an addiction.

When I was in college and studying was the last thing I wanted to do, I turned to online gambling for a distraction.

At first, I signed up for over 20 gambling sites, just trying to claim the free bonuses they were offering. But when the bonuses didn’t pay out like I’d hoped, I pulled my credit card out.

Over the course of 2 years, I easily put myself into $12,000 worth of credit card debt.

Whenever I was ahead, I just kept thinking, “One more spin, one more spin and it has to hit again,” but it didn’t. It never did. No matter how far I was up, I couldn’t stop my winnings from dropping to $0 because I didn’t have the willpower to stop.

When the ‘Account Balance Low’ alert would flash, another deposit would be made and the cycle would repeat itself. Over and over and over again.

It’s a sobering reality to finally understand that you’ve messed up so bad. It’s painful to see how much damage I’ve done to my future. Not only do I have thousands to pay back in student loans, but I’ve managed to tack on at least an additional $15,000 to my already crippling debt.

Although I haven’t been able to completely stop gambling, I’ve managed to limit my gambling to Las Vegas and Las Vegas only.

The addiction isn’t gone, but it’s a step.

It took years of friends stepping in and telling me how worried they were. It took a getting into a real relationship with my now-partner (who I hope to one day build a future with) for me to stop fucking up on my own.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop thinking about gambling. And I know I’ll always miss the thrill of risking it all to for a chance to win money, but maybe I can win in other aspects of my life.

I just hope that’s enough.