Clustered

Like a faithful martyr, I have not slept in our bed since she left and watched every car go by, hoping for, I'm not even sure. It's sadly hilarious that I blocked myself from 2 apparent points. First that she's a beautiful girl in great shape. Second, I must be shallow enough that I was sold simply on that, as she possesses no actual self for me to have fallen in love with.

I have questions, god damnit! I don't have anger, though I would be justified in a 24/7 rage for the past five-plus months. My borderline personality-disordered ex-girlfriend of over four years left me in December. Then she turned up the trauma to 11. I have questions that I do not think are the common ones that others that have suffered similarly have asked. I've been on various message boards, mostly because I was unaware of BPD. I have two takeaways from reading Ex's and BPD's comments.

1. If you do suffer from BPD, I cannot fucking imagine what that would be like. That, though, does not provide you with a pass when it comes to acting like a decent human being and less so to being proud of things that would hurt others. I'm only basing that on many comments I read, "I split, and they become nothing to me." That isn't a point of pride. Work on yourself, get a dildo or some lube, and stop intertwining with others. It's also not the truth. I would have paid to have become "nothing" to my ex. People I consider "nothing" to me are not treated with absolute zero empathy or regard.

2. Ex's of BPD partners, I get the anguish and will detail what I was put through to prove it as the way the world is. Everything needs to be immediate and proven. However, and don't get me wrong, I get this too, the areas the BPD ex has shown to be (remember this is a person with a personality disorder that "we" without will never understand what that would be like) almost satanic in their decisions, decency, empathy (or lack thereof) does not all of a sudden mean you, not having BPD are the messiah when it comes to being a partner. Have some self-reflection, humility, and when it hurts. When it hurts to the point that you may, as I had opted not to kill myself as I thought: "There is no hell that could be worse than what I feel here. It can just continue.", I suggest, as a means to cope, even if it's as barely a shell of yourself, asking yourself what more could you have done.

Does anything (besides being abusive, unfaithful, or any obvious I'm not going to list but will likely touch on most throughout the series) excuse the behavior you've faced? Absolutely not. Does that mean you didn't suck as a spouse? Absolutely not. You will rev your engines in angst as you read further, saying my path will burn more. Save your time; I would only laugh. When the betrayal happens, not much (at least I can think of) could make the hurt burn anymore.

I want to open, I know, I'm already into rambling, and now I'm opening? Yes, this is something that interests me. Not only because of my pride but, as I'm sure (and have read), others have been in that space where they hoped they would return. That they'd come running saying, "Your dumb name" I'm so sorry for everything; I do care about you, and I am ready to shake this personality disorder off with hard work and make up for what I put you through for the rest of our lives." I am still in that spot. However, I want to break off and detail why we are not alike. I, first, do not know for sure that she has BPD. Yes, that is because I'm watching and thinking, "There's no fucking way she is unaware." Likely to comfort me in the isolation I was left or forced into. There's been plenty of straw-grasping by me over here. I find what has happened interesting because I see an issue causing pain (physical, emotional, and most of all, self-love, like, or trust) for the ones on my end. Pains I am not qualified to assess the people suffering from BPD. Even if that can be broken down to the things they cannot feel or process, that, in my opinion, makes living an everyday life impossible. Go ahead, and say, "With hard work, they can." I have read that there has been a success with dedication. Still, it's a dedication I've rarely witnessed in non-BPD people. With hard work, we should have noticed the things we all find inside the heartbreak. For example, my ex was abused by everyone she had ever had a relationship with before me. It was so obvious once I saw, well, I'll say, 1/10 of the truth of things. The person who will not dismiss my responsibility in this can give credit to her, as I was unlikely to tear into someone sharing her past with me. Especially as (and I'm sure the majority can relate) I am drawn to the hurt ones. I could see and feel her trauma almost instantly. I wasn't going to take one of the first times she's been vulnerable with me, and for lack of a better vocabulary, shit on that. I feel like my case, as you'll see, is unique in many ways. I think, though, when it comes to a personality disorder, that we do not know what living with it is like in the slightest, coupled with the uniqueness in each person, environment, and situation to situation, that every one of our experiences is unique. Sure, some things will seem crazy similar, but such is life. Right?

I want to ask questions that I have never read in all the forums I explored. I'll answer them as well. No answers in a way that will fix anything for you or me, but, with hope, open the minds of all, what I assume will be 7 of you that read this. I am, however, a softly constructed shell of a person, as I'm five months removed. I'll bop around in explaining my situation, but to whet your lips, I'm in the house we rented together till the month's end. The house we rented was after moving together to Nashville 16 months ago; that was only possible based on both of our salaries, even to a point where I was obligated (more for the location and because of our salaries) 1/3 of the rent and utilities. When I was somehow abandoned in the middle of a 4-day vacation to show her Long Island and introduce her to my family, I'd soon be arrested by the year's end. Arrested, and somehow I'd keep the house for the remainder and be responsible for finishing paying the lease (the owner would not remove her from the lease or even request the house key). If you're here, you're likely aware of what seems to be strategic in isolating a person being arrested; it almost always comes with an order of protection. On that order of protection, aside from what I find hilarious, a box they can check that makes you responsible for their court fees. Also, the fact that since the beginning of January, any day, she could show up. Even after I've paid rent, through a personal loan for over 10k, I would have to immediately vacate the house, looming throughout the heartbreak, feeling worthless, and anxiety of being somewhere I know no one that she'd show up. I got stuck in so many loops during this. This loop was, "Okay, she's going to show up. My heart will drop, and I anticipate being able to hold her again, just for her to take the only thing I'm left with that won't require lots of therapy." Honestly, I'm shocked that she didn't do just that. It is one thing I have put together that does make me believe that she is not well, and this isn't deliberate. I can see that there are gaps in her thought process. Not a stupidity, as she's quite intelligent. More like giving someone all your trust after they told you where you'd end up at the onset. A gap like that.

There's so much I want to, well, scream. I've had a scream waiting since everything started waiting to roar, but who would care? There are so many questions that have been eating away at me. I will list as many as possible, even if this becomes ongoing. I am doing this partly to make up for the scream, and the other part is hopefully breaking new ground. So many message boards and YouTube Videos have no resolution or one that I can promise not to say. Any guesses? The whole "They will never change; the sooner you walk away, the better." Everyone bitterly whines, as if we are unaware that taking that road would be difficult, to say it lightly, and not waste time saying what you've been told repeatedly.

I hope that everyone reading this will find the love they seek in this lifetime. I'll say to the hacks that end up here, trying to judge me, as judging you for reading this; We do not care that you're a pussy. The love we seek is not the love that plays like a romantic comedy. We understand the risks, as there are risks in loving any fucking one. And, most of us may fail, fail to the point that is akin to sadism in the suffering we will endure, but in that love, we will not do the following: We will not seek, consciously or unconsciously, partners that have unfathomable amounts of trauma, just to turn around when we find out what we knew subconsciously throughout, and abandon them for "our sake." The only thing worse than the nightmare buffet served by someone suffering from BPD (possibly, I will touch on that moment) is someone whose resolve is to abandon someone that fears just that on levels we have never felt. Sorry, not that person, the person that got the burn, as we all have, became bitter because the person either didn't come back or did and repeated the cycle, burning them again.

Just for them to start making videos trying to "save" those with someone with a Cluster B Personality Disorder by basically saying to mimic what is to come to us before it's done to us. I don't mean to be bitter towards them; it's redirected to keep it out of my personal recovery. After what was done to me, and I know, I don't know likely most of it. It's like an iceberg, that which I either missed or wasn't able to have a chance to see; I do not hate my ex. I do have so very (I hate using the V word now that it's been, let's say, "played out" for the past four-plus years) many issues with it all, but not hatred. What good will that do me? What good will that do anyone if the resolution is "Well, they can't be fixed, so try to avoid"? Just like I have issues setting boundaries, she has problems with things that seem "normal" to us. They aren't; who are we kidding? Nothing is normal. It hurts like a bitch that one of my most frequent revolving thoughts is that she simply moved on to someone else, and I didn't mean enough to her. There's as much wrong with the status quo that we think we should all pair up and never seek someone that may be more than the person we're with.

The person that threw on autopilot four months into "forever," haha. I'm not addressing everyone; I'm just saying because I'm in a spot where I'm pretty sure pride will never be something I'll possess again, that no one else will say. Betrayal trauma is no joke. I've felt a lot in my 43 years, including abandonment trauma which I thought I had healed from till I was proven dead wrong, and a decade of ulcerative colitis that ended with my colon being removed placing me in a colostomy bag for almost a year. But none of that was close to what this felt like. Okay, hopefully, I've either scared the right people away with my language, political jab, an insult to their preachings, or lack of coherent writing skills, the part I did want to have before getting into this. I'm at the mercy of where my remaining defense mechanisms permit me to venture into their weakened state.

I do know that my ex was diagnosed with BPD, but I can not, will not, say that she suffers from BPD with certainty. A portion of me still thinks she's an evil genius, and this is all with intent. Thank god she abandoned me 24 hours after meeting my family, as that's the only evidence I'm not living a Fight Club/A Beautiful Mind (or any of the million films and shows that pull the "they weren't there at all" twist. Too many times, I've questioned if I was actually in hell. So, I do not know for sure. I do, however, listen. You know, after everything is on fire. I listen then. This will be incorporated into one of my questions, as well. I had to have my ex committed due to suicidal threats a couple of years ago. When she came out, she told me about the diagnosis. This was one of many times Anthony dropped the ball. My tiny brain processed "Bipolar Personality Disorder" and had no follow-through because I know Bipolar; it's okay. As you can imagine, I was taught never to be so arrogant again. Arrogant to think that I even am aware of the actual Bipolar Personality Disorder, and not just that I've let the way the term's thrown around become "good enough" that I am well versed in it. I am aware of gaslighting and manipulations that had started the moment we met, paired with the loss of my 17-year-old dog and best friend months prior, playing a role in my lack of involvement.

I do not accept any excuses, as I was given what I would have to imagine, but most aren't. The answer to all the questions, I would soon be sobbing into a pillow. She brought up DBT (I may have that wrong; I am not a professional. If you were waiting for me to disclose that, I suggest you seek to counsel yourself.). I know she did group therapy biweekly for a long time and possibly even did some of the DBT, as I wouldn't have kept her from it. I would've suggested she follow the advice of the doctors. I will bring up all my flaws throughout this; this is one of many I will share if even it relieves the stigma of being afraid to have them. Stay tuned, and you'll find that I'll suggest she stops taking mood stabilizers months before the split because she was feeling sexual side effects from them. I likely played a part in what was to come. I know I triggered her and saw her have a fit. This was after New York, not that I am justifying myself. After I realized she was really abandoning me, I did two things.

1. I wrote 30 pages detailing everything she did wrong. C'mon, do we not have a building relationship at this point? To think you'd believe that! Everything I wrote was what I did wrong or failed to do throughout the entire relationship. Humility has helped me to brace all of this when with blind naivety, I might be in jail for an actual crime. I meant to touch on that as well.

2. I got a second dog. I had wanted a second dog for a while, and I realized in my reflection that I needed to work on my patience. Only a little will give you that fix quite like a puppy.

Before going too far without stating, it will come up in various questions/thoughts. I was arrested, and I shouldn't have been. Do not get me wrong, I was really nasty, and even though I was mostly truthful, I can be a pretty verbal assassin with only that. Eventually, one of the things that needed to be another question she eventually pushed me into a corner where I was telling lies. I'm human; I'm not "honest" through and through, but I'm more honest than anyone I know. It could be a better thing. People always seem to get mad when I tell them. Is it that others don't see as if their nose was doing a Pinocchio right in front of them? How easy is it to hear the lies? I'm not willing to pander by playing with what I know is not valid for your deceit. I'm starting this during yet another all-nighter with a plan in mind. Still, I'm volatile like the market, so I may remember what I've buried in my subconscious and expand or veer.

I do want to, as I said, ask questions. I want to tell a linear story of myself and the pre-betrayal, I mean, relationship at some point. I want to cause thinking and maybe even a revelation from someone with the knowledge I lack to be a catalyst to change, even eliminate the stigmas. I want this to be something other than my story, as I am still working on my journey to have enough to avoid any ending but an ambiguous one. I apologize in advance if anything I say is bothersome. Not because I'm not looking to offend; I am. More because I am 43, with no children, and in ways was walking the same path to this isolation, and I have the benefit of time to think about this nonstop. I'm curious; people say they can't get someone out of their minds, but I cannot even escape my thoughts for minutes. Being in this house is not helping. If I can forget my shattered pride and self-worth, I immediately worry for her and the next version of me. If you stick around long enough, you'll see me figure out a fix. I have no issues with being denied the love I expected that I wouldn't have lost or another person being in my position. What I do, though, is that, even though I believe the diagnosis, after the split, the sharing of that falls into those gaps. The next me will know once there's blood all over, and he or she is trying to interpret the mix of at least three languages. I'm figuring out a way to. It's a goal that will be obtained.

Some questions will not have answers. Some rambling as I pause them till the answer comes to me. I'll return to them when appropriate. I could write a bible's worth about this, though I feel my mind burying any memories it possibly can.

First Question:

Can we request that the name "Borderline Personality Disorder" be officially changed to something more appropriate?

My first thought was, "Surprise, Narcissistic Personality Disorder." It's deceiving to think, "Thank god, not Narcissism." The differences are nominal at best and harder to handle at worst.

Second Question:

Did you tell me the diagnosis because you knew what was coming, and the part of you that I've still witnessed in you (in some extreme measures on my part) that is behind what you've become in the split wants help?

Third Question:

Why wouldn't you simply lie to be seen as the victim rather than make what seemed like excessive amounts of effort to try to illicit me from abusing you?

I was asked verbatim to punch her in the face. I, of course, didn't, but how does that outcome sit? I had my name smeared at work, which may or may not have played a role in my being laid off 30 days before the lease ended. Then I saw her in court (I honestly was betting she wouldn't have shown for sure.) with a woman who, I will say, looked exactly like what a battered woman's sponsor would look like. As I have yet to say, my ex is Scandinavian and has no family in the States. She speaks six languages, though I do not think that is true. If you've been here, you know not much is or was actually the truth. As I was also led to believe she was once an alcoholic, only to find out by probing that she drank a decent amount but was not understanding the definition. One of the few times she would feign ignorance as she sees everyone as inferior, so it wasn't often.

She told me she saw people as inferior quite early in the relationship. I remember clearly thinking that she meant Americans, and I recall thinking, "I can see feeling that way." Back to the lies, I have been a toxic partner in my younger days and am aware of what it feels like (for me, sans personality disorder) to be caught in a lie. It's not a good feeling, certainly none that I would've ever been confident enough in bringing one of the few people I'm counting on to believe me to listen. I can see the split in her; it is like she's just gone. The person who took over is not only completely "Anti-Anthony," but she's an awful human being. She split before destroying my world and lived with me throughout. Of course, the gaslighting and manipulations had to be turned up quickly, but my thoughts were elsewhere. I understand, in ways, I am hanging onto any self-worth left in me with this thought. I know that the traits in her that were good, loving, honest, caring, or turned on by me (haha) were my projections (I'm not a narcissist, I know the way the mind goes hearing my minuscule amounts of arrogance.). Still, the post-split person, who lived with me, traveled with me on vacation (It was necessary as the best way to hit my abandonment trauma would be to do so at the sight of it. Where I hadn't been in 15 years.) and slept next to me. In this person, there's just no common decency. I said earlier about post-split seeing exes as "nothing." I do not hate anyone, but I sure would be much gentler than she's been towards me. I understand the "black and white" thinking (as much as possible from the outside), but how did you stay by my side if that happened? Not to mention she could have afforded to walk away quickly. I didn't say I would solve anything on day one or at all. Still, I will say, regardless of what I've read and what so many states, there is a person who can make decisions and choose to do things like this.

Every day it crosses my mind that I don't think she should be allowed to drive a car. I know that because of the gaslighting tactics, it backs the one in my spot into a corner that makes anything they say sound crazy. Seems to be the glue to success. I had been pushed to go on probation, though I had pages of evidence ready. I had tried hard to avoid publicizing her condition, but this has become more than she and I. She's abusing not only me but a justice system that is made to assist women who are being abused. I know it doesn't help that I look like a man that can only be described as "statutory," but no one wanted to listen to anything I had to say. My solace is that I never abused her, no matter how far I was pushed. I would change much of my reactions to her gaslighting and manipulation tactics and don't excuse myself for being verbally nasty because of her part in it. I was amazed, and maybe it was because I knew her after the split, didn't remember anything about the person I am, that she thought I would fold the truth to her lies. All that being said, it's really a shame that she ever thought that any of my love for her was based on details that are meaningless in my eyes. How you behave when it matters informs me of your truth, which is, unfortunately, entirely false.

Question 4:

If she split into a new her, that would mean that when she split on the ex for me, I fell for who? Was it the split her, like now? Is it all like the snake she's become, constantly shedding skin?

The new person is demonic! I'm sure that's what I get, but others don't. Maybe I'm just disappointed in myself that I fell for a cute face and boobies. I've been in isolation for so long that I lost the ability to swear that she is a good person on the inside. I just can't.

Question 5: (I understand it is not quite a question)

Thought process...My ex, post-splitting, only said three things that seemed remotely human.

One took me, putting a knife to my throat. The second was when I said I would never abandon her (as I figured the only possible spin would be that we met a female friend of mine to pick up my snowboard, causing jealousy, somehow). She replied, "I don't believe you." It was like the person I knew had broken out to say that much. Almost like the split, she is unsurprisingly a tyrant, even to herself. The third point of this is that I accused her of cheating. It would add up, and because I was blocked out of existence (unless it meant dragging my name), I was throwing Hail Marys's hoping for something. I got a reply to the accusation, seemingly from the woman I loved. Adimate about the fact she didn't cheat. Who knows if she heard my response once I pieced things together? I would have preferred she had cheated the entire relationship to what she put me through. I would watch her in an orgy with all my friends and family right now if it would make this stop. I guess there's a silver lining. The fact is that everything is so cruel that it is easier than usual to push thoughts of her with someone else out as quickly as they come into my mind. That will roll right into question 5...

Question 5:

What is the point of isolating someone if you, in her case, have the quiet version of BPD, which is not known to hoover or return?

I think the answer here is actually relatively simple. Because empathy is so nonexistent, they are too superior to feel guilt if a return is necessary. Shame upon shame, I know. The thing with shame is it's a joke if you're doing anything possible to avoid being even a minimal example of human decency. I imagine that in her avoidance of knowing me, she's sure it would be fine if she returned. What she may not know, as these aren't the actions of someone with any awareness, is that the first things that would happen would be me being paid, followed by full disclosure, and then the embarrassment of going and getting a clean sexually transmitted disease test to show me. I certainly would not want to be forced into any of that. "Full disclosure" doesn't really mean much when everything you've ever said was a lie as it was. It was more a principle thing. I had even thought, back when I thought she'd wake up or split me back white, that I'd be tempted to destroy her after my life was set right. From all I've read, change is improbable, and even though I balked at the success rate statistics since day 1, I'd surely be a tad jumpier than before. Anything that seemed to be a return to form would set off every alarm that I've newly installed. That, of course, is not my goal here.

I likely spent too much time thinking that had she split me black and spent the rest of our lives hating me, I'd have never given up on her. Ironic that the person that fears abandonment so much it has caused a personality disorder would identify me as just another number. This will come back when I get to questioning the control aspect of splitting. Good old Covid almost made her delay a split for a couple of years. Though I'm unsure that's valid as the first time she had me arrested, before asking me to move back in a while, there was still an Order of Protection against me. She did not contact me once while I spent 14 days in detox. I think she was planning her moves then, but a nice ass, pretty face, and death in the eyes weren't as easy to sell during a lockdown.

Question 6:

I'm going to say this, if you suffer from BPD, this is not "goals." It was too much. I apologize for the tease, and I'm not helping your cause. I think, super subjectively, as it's impossible without being around someone with BPD post-split, why not try "50 First Dates" it? In the uber-realistic Adam Sandler film, Drew Barrymore's character Lucy suffers from no memory every morning. So, using the practical scientific recommended method, Adam Sandler makes a tape for her to watch every morning without being shocked by her surroundings. From what I understand, I apologize if I misunderstand. A significant issue is that the way someone suffering from BPD sees things (after a split) is based on memories that are not accurate.

Not that you or they are less than others. Moreover, we humans cannot remember anything with that level of precision. If that is confusing, my ex, post-split, seemingly did not remember anything about me. She absolutely didn't remember anything good, even just in general. If you're struggling to remember the person you've been grooming for only the shotgun portion of a shotgun wedding's persona, why are you confident that your memories are accurate? I'm flawed throughout, atoning for my sins of the past as best I can while still feeling condemned to hell, and I admittedly am a lot. It would take as much as I am to exist oblivious to the fact that I am not the person that could stay idle or less cower at the injustices and do nothing as she continues her reign. It isn't even about me, personally. In my atonement tour, fuck me if her games zero everything I do to be a good human. I'll not break even. I cannot pick up her slack too.

I have acquired a very particular set of skills over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like her.

According to her, I may be "inferior," but I do not give up when I see something is fundamentally wrong. For example: In the police report, that was primarily lies, though had it been 100% accurate, was not a reason to arrest anyone. It detailed me having a knife to my own throat. I was brought in for vandalism. A flat tire on her car that the officer (from his view in a standing position) was sure was due to a knife. In this case, it was. She was upset or at least playing upset to the point where I wouldn't let her kill someone else. They brought and released me within 3 hours, as the 12-hour hold was waived. No one said or did anything about me having a knife to my throat. I'm not as intelligent as the police department. Still, I would think that if there were enough of a threat to arrest me, releasing me (seemingly with a death wish) would not only be ignorant. It could exacerbate the situation and put the "victim" in grave danger. Am I wrong?

Then there's the justice system. First, I was too rich on my 40k salary to be able to utilize a public defender. Then, I was given one as I'd been laid off when the case was heard, 5 court visits later. This public defender brought me aside and treated me like I was guilty. She made me an offer of probation for a year. Otherwise, the judge would likely place me in jail for texting her. She had texted me multiple times and had me similarly arrested two years prior. This was after the first time I called for her to get involuntary mental health treatment. This time was also after a call. I was unaware that in Tennessee, you have to go about that process in a way that no one would know unless they chose poorly, as I did. Then, of course, the "Well, she threatened her life last week. We cannot do anything now." bullshit over and over.

I was shushed when I brought the personality disorder to the public defender and was forced to decide within 5 minutes. I took the probation because I'm not incompetent. Even with my concrete evidence, the judge, public defender, and probation officer would never allow my insubordination to stand. How dare someone question our adopted processes because they're more accessible? She sits there in complete comfort through every lie sullying the system. Sure, I get it. The probation officer, who was so awful as a human it was impossible not to notice within 30 seconds of meeting her, got on my case about alcohol being on my random drug tests. Drug tests that I have to call daily to see if I'm scheduled, then pay $17.50 to have my genitals watched as I urinate.

Mind you, I was not arrested in any connection with drug use. "You're not supposed to drink while taking your medication." Lady, you got an associate's degree and an overflow of male hatred to get your position. Now you're playing my fucking doctor? Kindly run into traffic. She questioned why I had run out of my anxiety medication early after making sure to ignore anything I said in court. I responded that I had spent the previous month being laid off and putting together a case, and I could show at least a court my evidence. I guess that her sad-eyed lies trump facts.

Ah, the justice system. I brought up that I am, and I do mean it (if we're going to play like children). I am paying for my sexual abuse because it was the better choice than bringing her disorder up publicly, knowing that she's a risk for self-harm and that no one could give an f about that. I haven't heard anything back. That was 5-days ago. A personal issue I have is that I don't care about money. In this case, though, after clearing my name, I will make her pay back every cent she's forced me to spend. It's a shame that I do not trust the justice system to identify the truth and could not impede her routine as planned. Fair trial? So, after 6-hours in a courtroom, I'm expected to do this while a room of people impatiently waits? Oh, and I'm not privy to view the rules beforehand? I could not do much of anything as I've lost my job and am here alone to the point of being in a vacuum. As if the only people you knew were replaced with different minds that hate you. I can wait. If only I were independently wealthy, I'd be suing the shit out of her and the police department. It's only about progress to me. It would be worth all this if I could stop this from happening to someone else. I'll detail it more when I get into the guts of it all. Still, she had shut down all the utilities (including the shared car insurance, which anyone knows you have to go out of your way to cancel without it rolling over) and left the internet on. She then removed me as a user on a Monday morning so that I could not hook up At&t at home and would be forced into the office, where she was. In my estimation, this was an attempt to get me where she'd been smearing me, then trying to win herself an Oscar by acting like she was afraid. It's comical that anyone who knows me would not believe her. Especially with her Russian-sounding accent and everything-bitch-face. Even though she spun a web of lies, she didn't care to know where my head was. I've lost everything and am now viewed as abusive. What's to say I have held onto my sanity? Now she's playing with the well-being of coworkers for her games.

Question 7:

What is the deal with the envy and necessity to feel "superior" to the degree that you'll even do all you can not to have me get a position writing primary copy that would pay an extra half of my salary yearly?

The nuts of this part are that when she was "found" by the company, she was told she'd be offered 70-80k and then 60k. This would have stopped her from leaving her previous position. In retrospect, I wrote a counter letter in her stead that was as generous as her proven capacity to be evil. They responded the following day with 75k. She fucking hates when I bring that up. So naturally, I did often. She had a figurative foot on my jugular throughout the relationship. I never claimed to be a saint. I told the CEO before I was laid off. I didn't do it in a sinister way, as she certainly would've. I even made sure not to bring her disorder to their knowledge when I had to go to them after she ignored me when I asked what the plan was for the January rent via "works" Microsoft Teams. No, we did not work for Microsoft. I knew her play would be to go to Human Resources, so I went first. I sent an email, vanilla, through and through. Then she went to the Human Resources Manager to show her acting skills. If anyone knew her 1/4 as much as I, at least thought I did, they'd have trouble not laughing at her performance. She's such an awful actress that I could find her lies in a 2-sentence text she had sent through a friend to say to me. She was overreaching, trying to gain sympathy from him. I imagine that a lack of empathy does not bode well for role-playing. I suggest sticking to the quiet, sad-eyed, liberal feminist that's been working so far. That I'll come back to. I'm not sure if anyone else had similarly dealt with their Cluster-B ex that claimed, even became upset if she could create any aura of being offended for the cause. Which cause? Scandinavian, so any "White causes." I initially was only trying to open her mind at a point when I voiced that Dave Chappelle has rights that, as white people, we have no place questioning when comparing rights that have been obtained for citizens that haven't existed for as long as the African-American community has been fighting a losing battle for basic human rights. As you may have guessed, this makes the hypocrisy come when she abuses a system in place to protect women who are actually being abused, not entitled sociopaths. I'm not saying everyone suffering from a Cluster-B personality disorder is a sociopath. I'm merely stating that she is one. To add, before someone whines, I was looking to open her mind to the effects of racism in America and believe that every human being should be provided absolute equality. I, though I do have the unfortunate look of the uncle, no one leaves their kids alone with (good, keep those annoying bastards away from me!) that I am not naive to the fact that if I was African-American, I don't know that I wouldn't have been beaten at the original scene. I believe that pretending inequality does not exist only adds to the problems. I feel there's also an intent in that. I do not think it will ever be overcome in the US. I hope that I am wrong. More than anything.

If you've gotten this far, you'd wonder how anyone could miss the core of my being as flagrantly as she did. Right? Ideally, this would take off in multiple directions and solve all the world's injustices!

Question 8:

I found, in my solitude, that my ex's MBTI personality type is likely ISTP rather than INFP, as she claims. She was envious that I had gotten INFJ and tried to claim it initially. I think that it isn't accurate and that the lure of being an INFJ is missing; what an absolute nightmare it is to be one. I hoped for months that I would find that I'm another type. The ISTP, though, has a lot of matching attributes. I guess that's what we're calling them, as someone suffering from a Cluster-B personality disorder. A big one is that they are very self-conscious about not having the formal education they believe they should. The belief that they should have something seems to be a theme. If so, how much of the backstory I barely paid attention to were outright lies?

If it weren't for my introverted intuition, I would've either noticed what she was lacking much sooner or grown frustrated in boredom which her existence screamed constantly. I was told she spoke six languages. She likely speaks three fluently as English is taught in Finnish schools, and Swedish is mixed in frequently in everyday Finnish dialogue. I've trained dogs in Spanish and Portuguese and need to be more fluent.

Question 9:

Why are Cluster B's so determined to see themselves as superior yet have no script in place in case they are called out?

As I said before, I was almost always aware that she felt superior to Americans, and I was okay with that. I was hopeful that she was. I think that when this happened, she had already split me black. She decided that make sure that any idea I had was given zero attention to the degree that I even began accepting my lot, and she got greedy. She outright told me that she saw herself as superior to me. This was a few months before the fun began. I'm more than humble. I always downplay my accomplishments and only intervene if what's being said is objectively incorrect. That being said, I am aware of my skillset and abilities. She failed to see that I had always raised her up, as she needed that from the get-go. At this point, I'm aware of her efforts to make sure I would always stay above my current lot in, at the least, our shared work atmosphere. It had been a long since I laid into anyone, and it showed. I am skilled in retail, communications, and teaching or coaching. She is a talented graphic designer, more so when her loving boyfriend suggests that if she's designing the stage for a trade show in Vegas, having the playing cards in a Royal Flush would be more eye-popping.

Question 10:

How was it possible that my apparent draw was my treatment of animals when she's unable to treat humans at the level one would treat a pet? I mean, don't treat a pet in a manner above primary pet duties.

Realizing that she is likely an ISTP, I saw that they naturally could not identify and act according to most emotions. That doesn't make for an excellent base to overcome Cluster B issues. I lost my best friend, my dog, Holden, at 17 in December 2019 or 2020. Jesus, the lockdown followed by another one, and my calendar is off. She was stoic and supportive, most likely just me being too kind to her apathy. To think that she was likely seeing me break down the only time during our relationship, and considering how weak I am, is hard to do, but probable. We had planned to move to Finland together, and the pair of cats she owns are over 10. I would routinely bring up that we should send them to her parents before we get to a point where the vet says international travel is ill-advised for them. I didn't notice till hindsight, and it's crystal clear views. That she would almost have fits similar to what she did when I was yelling at her. The extent of my "abuse" was speaking facts in a raised voice. I'm not saying that people should yell at one another. Though, when you've offered objectively logical help to someone over and over and refused over and over, when they're moving the last of their stuff out. It's raining, and you leave work to pick them up from Uhaul, just for them to follow you inside to make sure you offer one more time to get a final rejection. Sometimes we're only human. I feel bad for the real loser in all this. The one too proud to ask for or allow anyone to help. I hope she's been in a new relationship for months and not sitting in a pit of faux shame. At least get something more from my misery than strangers believing your lies. You realize that is meaningless as they likely don't care at all.

I've got to pause here. I'm feeling too angry the more I revisit the malevolent monster she is and always really was. I hope that, if nothing more, I made you laugh somewhere in here. Sure, it wasn't the point, but I hope others will see the pain as humorous, even in possible mimicry.

Next time: Is splitting triggered by life, or is it a defense mechanism against being seen as the monster that is actually the truth?

&

Can someone have black-and-white thinking if they don't see anyone as human?

Question 11: TBD (I have to get an audience as I've been questioning my sanity for months, and I fear I'll start responding to my own shit!)

Question 12: TBD (I have to get an audience as I've been questioning my sanity for months, and I fear I'll start responding to my own shit!)