Breaking free from the cycle

Is trauma the root cause of emotional dysregulation and as a result developing addictive personality traits to cope?

So today id like to share the progress I've made overcoming addictions and the behavior patterns that hindered my growth and strained the relationships I've had with people.

I started this journey about 4 years ago and you could say this was as much a spiritual journey as it was self discovery because I started this more so out of spite and I guess I didn't recognize how immature I really was. Which is why it probably took longer than it needed to, at least that's the way I felt about it at the time.

But what I didn't realize then is that I had repressed so much emotion from trauma I experienced as a kid that I was in denial of any of it ever happening. which I believe later manifested into the addictions that only made the self loathing that much worse, and I think the most difficult thing that I have had to do, even up until this point is learning to forgive myself because of the guilt and shame of it all.

A Look Within

I recognized that, when only a few weeks ago after a shower the thought came into my mind of me slipping and falling back landing head first on the edge of the shower frame in the false hope of forgetting all the wrongs I've made. And I felt anger for having that thought because no way am I going to make it this far and do something like that out of cowardice so I steadied my stance and stepped forward slowly then carried onto bed. And I look back on that situation and think about how important it was to be aware of these type of thought patterns that are similar but distinct that indicated to me that there is some avoidant behavior of confronting accepting and finally releasing repressed memories/emotions with some compassion. That I was never able to address to the capacity I am able to do today either because I didn't know how to at the time or just couldn't because of the constant trauma that occurred in such a short time.

My overall thoughts

Which leads this story to my overall point that the addictions I relied on that developed into a number of coping mechanisms to feel safe and secure within myself really led to more complications as a result of not knowing how to deal with trauma especially at such a young age because the worst thing is not what happened to me its the resentment I carried because of it. What I projected out towards others not only causing harm to those that were affected but to myself as well, so as a result their are burned bridges, things said I cant take back, and things done that none would be proud of so the aftermath of me understanding this is that I have to contend and make amends with the behaviors/habits the may linger still because of the years of neglecting myself

Hatred has been echoed throughout history and does nothing but feed into the fears and doubts of people that create divisiveness within one anther

So I noticed their was a perpetuating cycle that I was unaware of that I was participating in, and for whatever reason I could not see that, I didn't understand how much I neglected myself my peace and my well being had such a negative impact though out my life. There was indulgences that I took part in like video games, porn, masturbation, and even food that would become the things I was most addicted to and although I could've used substances much harsher what I had was enough to distract me from the pain.

I think what can be particularly destructive is how far a person can go with the addictions they have, how far will a person go to mask the pain? From what I've experienced is that after seeking that high or even distraction and getting what it is to feel secure what I notice follows is the shame and guilt and so the pursuit of pleasure continues. The reason why I think its destructive is the behavior patterns that are developed as a result its like having coping mechanisms for the coping mechanisms which I think can keep a person stuck in a loop until its recognized within the individual.

When it comes to your well being and peace of mind its important to remember that you are not a victim to the circumstances in life rather know that you are the most capable person to overcome the set of challenges you've faced So instead look at the circumstances in life as an opportunity to honor the real you your future deserves.