Body Dysmorphia - The Reason I Hate
MY BODY BECAME A COFFIN, A PLACE WHERE HE COULD REST. ⛔️ Proceed with Caution ⛔️
Forget Cinderella and the fact that she needed a dress for the ball.
I didn’t even have a body.
Where can I go if I don’t have a body with curves in all the right places —what do I accentuate, highlight — what should be the foreground when my mind is so dull and a raven can outsmart me?
Oh it bothered me much, maybe that’s why I could not sleep at night and those two girls stood by my bed with wet hair (is it haunting me), they had a better body than me even though they were dead dead dead. Don’t ask me what they wanted, if it was my soul I didn’t have any to give, I felt like nothing.
No.
What were they looking at?
Can’t they see that I am not there, I am just my collarbone.
Thin… too thin for one to love. The wind might blow me away, what if they can see my bones, oh abhorrent, abominable. Utterly disgusting.
My efforts were unavailing, the more I looked the more I wasn’t enough…cursing the mirror.
•–—
Flashback
I WAS DEAD INSIDE MY BODY… MY BODY BECAME A COFFIN, A PLACE WHERE HE COULD REST.
I know I failed myself when I couldn’t tell him to get off of me.
Witchcraft tempted you, you tried to keep him and then he tries to take me in ways I didn’t want to be taken. Those were the dark times… hi I’m Caitlin.
Don’t hate him. A hand took him before he could reach in.
•–—
Shivvvers ❄️
~It’s cold can I go now?~
No stay… please stay.
Struggling… uncomfortable… recalling.
Why do I hate women when I want to love them?
Because you hate yourself darling, the world promotes bitter rivalry — you dared to compare yourself. Then comparison led to hate — the world never taught you that honey.
~Oh Noooo~
They can see you now.
Hi… I’m your inner thoughts.
My mother didn’t teach me to love my body, so I hated her and her body. How it was exactly what I wanted mine to look like. I couldn’t understand how I could come from her but… not look like her.
I had an overdeveloped obsession, I started to see women as objects. Is that because I saw myself as an object… was my body currency… as if I could buy conversation with it.
As if I could buy a body with it… oh I’m too poor for that.
So I tried those jeans on trying to find ass where there was none, pathetic enough to think that would work, I tried to workout but I couldn’t eat.
I wanted to off my self.
I folded my legs under my bottom, sitting in a position that would attract. But what if they see me in person and they realised that I am a catfish.
Humourless.
Everything will be alright. If you’ve ever hated yourself the way I did, remember nothing last forever, not even the hate you have for yourself. You’re beautiful head to hips, nips to neck, butt to your brow. Do you hear me?
It’s okay to touch the parts of you you hate, it’s okay, go ahead. I will look away.
It’s hard to trust myself when all I do is hurt myself, no wonder it was so hard to write this. At war with myself so that you can be free like me. Though will I ever be free, will I even know that I am free when I am really free…
Madness! Silence…
Remember the last time you cried, how did you stop? Did you think happy thoughts, did something make you laugh?
Hi, I’m Caitlin and you are?
Nice to meet you.
A.N Other works of mine that you could read if you would like. Thank you so much for reading 🤗
About the Creator
Caitlin Charlton
poetry too close to home
🪄~unique fictional stories 💎 you’ve never known 🪄
📖~ let me read your work, say hi to me, I will leave comments longer than the road, please do return ~ 🙏🏽
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Heartfelt and relatable
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Comments (8)
you are indeed one of the best writers, keep up the good work
This is painful and tragic, Caitlin. No one should have to suffer like you have while learning to accept and love themselves. Your talent for self expression, even in the darkness of self-hate is simply amazing!
Sending a hug of comfort. I'm sorry to hear of your pain. Please know your phenomenal writing talent and kind spirit shine brightly like diamonds throughout this piece... I'm so happy that you are feeling better! :))
CC. This is a place where no one should be alone. I cannot imagine how hard this was for you to create and share. But take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in this. Human life is a dance of dark, shadow and light. In order to grow, the dark and shadow must bring you to the light. Being here means that the light is shining through. Take comfort and feel the soul evolve. Hugs, blessings and love embrace and warm your soul. be well and of good cheer. Peace everlasting.
I'm so sorry you went through all of this 🥺 Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️ How are you doing now? Much better I hope 🥺❤️
I wish you could see you the way others do, Caitlin. Though I don't know you personally, I do know how you respond to others here. You have a beautiful and caring spirit. So many times, personally, I have struggled with submitting pieces (and deleting many), but then you come along and take time to really read and analyze, and your comments give hope and allow for self-introspection. My God, you are a rare soul. Hi Caitlin, a pleasure to meet and know you.
You are doing the right thing in writing everything down and thinking about how to change. Now the hard part thinking that you are someone that people need to know.
Wow, this is incredibly powerful writing. The structure, flow, word choice and content all fit together seamlessly. You’ve got emotional depth here and it feels sincere without being over the top. There’s sadness that’s not mopey and there’s an uplifting approach that’s not mere cliche. Personal without being off putting. Beautifully done Caitlin.