Better Now

Today I am very happy. I see a light and I’m following it and smiling every day. I want to write a book, I've started but theres not really a great central focus point. I hope one day I’ll be able to tie it together to help people who go through things like what I went through in my head.

A few years ago I was tripping acid blabbing about how I wanted to write book and a boy I loved asked me what he would be in that book.

I wonder why I let it go on for so long. I wonder why I gripped senseless hope so tight and close to my body. Was I obsessed? I do that, I get obsessed with things. I get overwhelmed with passion. Maybe I liked the pain.

3 years I let my focus fixate on one desire. There were times I hated him. There were also times that I didn’t care what he or anyone else thought of me, I was so in love and I didn’t think it was a bad thing. I wanted him to know. I didn’t care if other people knew. I knew what I was and I was not ashamed. I joked about it. I embraced it and that is probably where I lost myself.

In that 3 years there were many times that I felt myself breaking. The first time, it came out of no where. I thought things were great, and all of a sudden it was over. I drank that pain away. I honestly don’t remember that summer very well.

Then just as suddenly as he left he was back, this time he just wanted to be my friend. We had fun and I wanted him to be happy. That's all I wanted. And as much as my heart hurt when he moved in with Maggie, I thought he was happy and so I was okay. I was moving on. I kind of forgot about him for a second. And then she fucking shows up and fucks up right in front of my fucking face and I was so unbelievably angry and I remembered how much I loved that fucking man. I drank a lot that day too. Fuck that bitch.

All my friends were there too. It was so coincidental and strange, like a scene from a movie. I remember the next day well. It was cloudy and coconuts was dead and we tripped by the lake and blew bubbles. Kenzie said something like “this must be a pretty good day for you" and I remember thinking how sad I was for Trey and for Maggie both. I hated her but I knew that the two of them were about to go through a lot and I felt badly for them.

I didn't care anymore about loving someone who didn't love me back. My heart hurt thinking of him hurting and all I wanted to do was help. It hurt me sometimes, being there for him. I wanted to do more. It hurt when he said he loved me. When he said how thankful he was for me. I wanted to scream. But my feelings didn't matter then. I worried for his life sometimes and thats all that mattered to me.

We had so much fun. He was better, and it started to get really hard for me. There hadn't been a girl around for awhile. At least not one on the surface that I was aware of. I always had some sort of glimmer of hope, every few months I’d throw a little temper tantrum, bitched at him for not giving me what I wanted, but I always knew that he’d find someone else and I would have to leave.

I really was starting to loose myself. I wanted to walk away long before I did but I couldn't and he asked me not to. My body shook with anxiety. I cried for no reason randomly throughout the day. I couldn't be around him at Decadence. I got up in the morning and went and spent the day at Mckenzies and couldn't eat and felt like I had to throw up but there was nothing to

throw up. But then when I saw him I didn't want to spend time away from him. I cried on the floor in the bathroom of the Air bnb, and the whole flight home.

I couldn't be around him at Ubbi Dubbi. I walked up and down those festival grounds by myself. I left sets when I realized how much fun I was having with him. There was one point I said something about Dakota, and he pulled up his pant leg and had a sticker stashed. I struggled, because I couldn't figure out how to keep him in my life. I wanted him in my life. I knew he wouldn't love me like I loved him and it drove me insane but I wanted so badly to find a way to keep him in my life.

I struggled for a while but I really lost it at the end. I knew something was up, there was something he wasn't telling me. I knew the whole fucking time. I was struggling then for a lot of reasons, lots that had nothing to do with him. A lot that had to do with my dad. I honestly have a hard time remembering this part because I was in such a dark place in my head. I was not myself. I would pace in my bedroom with a bottle of wine and sit on the floor and shake and scream, but I wouldn’t actually scream because my dad was on the floor outside my door. Id sit and pull at my hair and scream without making any noise.

I was getting really good at this strength training pilates class. It was called Kettlebell Barefoot Bootcamp. An hour in a 90 degree room of yoga, pilates, dumbells, kettle bells, and resistance bands. I loved it and I never left the room. One day I went to class feeling shaken. Fuzzy. Halfway through class I felt like I couldn't breathe. I left the room and gasped for air and held back tears and said under my breath “he’s fucking ruining me.”

Then the blow hit and I laughed. I honestly handled it better than I thought. I was expecting it. That part wasn't so bad. I’d been through it before. I think it was the aftermath of realizing how lost I was. Realizing how much of myself I had let drain. I laid on my bedroom floor naked and wished I was dead. I slept in my closet so I didnt have to hear my dad.

One day I checked myself into a hotel. The Palms Place Condos actually, very luxurious. I laid in bed in that hotel all day and I started to wonder what it was like to be dying. I wondered if I would be aware that I was dying, or if I would unknowingly drift away. I wondered if I would feel the breath leaving my body. I drew a bath and I sat in it for an hour staring at the wall. I went under the water and thought about it again, how it would feel to be dying. Then I thought about my mom and Mckenzie and I came back up.

I was broken. There are many things not mentioned here that lead to that point but it happened. And today I am very happy. I see a light and I’m following it and smiling every day. I want to write a book, I've started but theres not really a great central focus point. I hope one day I’ll be able to tie it together to help people who go through things like what I went through in my head. Today, I forget that I was broken. Sometimes I remember. I spend so much time alone these days, I notice how different I am when I’m around people. I don’t treat men the same. I don’t think I want to fall in love. I like the idea, and I pursue the opportunity when it is presented, but I think on a subconscious level I just would rather not. I’m perfectly okay just loving myself.

This morning I remembered that I was heartbroken. I was so terribly heart broken. But I also remembered that I’m not anymore, and that is one of the best things I have learned about myself in my life so far.