Anybody out there?!

hello? Hello? Is anybody out there?! That is a question I ask myself a lot specially since the few recent years. It has been a few hard years for me and honestly I did not think it could get any worse But it did. And I honestly don’t know how I’ve managed with everything but I believe that I must be very strong or goddamnned crazy to be able to just keep at this. No, actually in true honesty I know for certain I have some angels backing me up and guiding me and watching over me. Despite this feeling of complete and utter despair and loneliness I know I’m actually not alone.

My hardest moments started around the year 2013 and have only been one bad thing to a worse one. My life started to crumble when I found out my husband cheated on me and my marriage went to hell basically from day one of suspicion. this catastrophic event in my life has changed the way I feel about romantic relationships as a whole. I find it hard to connect now and have serious trust and abandonment issues. I have not been in a serious relationship since, nor have I actually tried. Him on the other hand has had two relationships that I know of and a child with one who he now pays child support to. He’s supposibly alone now trying to reach out and talk to me again for the second time. But at this rate and on this day I don’t want to have my heart broken again and how foolish would I have to be honestly to get back with the person who completely destroyed my heart?! Seriously?! also broke my self confidence and any trust I could have for him or anyone really?! It’s sad. It’s even made worse by the fact that I still have feelings for him but I’m afraid of any relationship now. It’s been since 2013 And it is 2021 now, can I ever get over the hurt and betrayal?

alongside my marriage other things were falling apart, the economy was one of those things. But the economy can come and go just like money And the materialistic part of things. Then this world started burning in California, Australia, the Amazon forests and even in places it usually never burns. Then it flooded in many other parts of the world, the earth shook in other places many lives and animals were lost during these tragic events around the world. The Earth will heal, the animals will slowly come back or not but what about us? And then the COVID 19 pandemic struck and killed so many people and took more than many could handle emotionally and the quarantine took more than others could handle mentally. But that was not the most important thing or rather person in my life who was falling apart and withering away. One of the most important persons in my life who suffered 3 massive heart attacks in a span of 4 years and had two open heart surgeries, 1 above knee leg amputation and slowly started losing his vision was my Father. His health was slowly and painstakingly declining to the point of his Death this year on January 6. He suffered 14 long years with all that and dyalisis On top of all that. My world shattered to pieces on that dreadful day As if it wasn’t already broken.

Today I battle in secret from my family with depression due to everything I have gone through with what I have mentioned above but also a few things I have not disclosed with anyone else except maybe my sister and a few things with my mother. I have been medically diagnosed and I have been prescribed medicine which I have stopped taking because I wanted to feel and go through my emotions during my Fathers funeral service and the next few weeks Because I feel like I should cry and mourn loss like a normal human. During this non medicated period I have not only strongly felt loss but also felt everything else all together and it is hard! It’s even harder because I have no one I could talk to nor do I want to share this with anyone in my family and worry them and honestly I don’t want to deal with stares Or comments. At this very moment I just want to crumble and let go and just give in but I have a wonderful mother a beautiful little sister and a huge beautiful family but that’s not all that stops me, something else inside tells me not to. And I know its not just the living that keep me here. There is now my Father, my two cousins an uncle and other family members who have recently passed away even the ones who passed a while ago, this universe and this earth more specifically also has a strong pull to it and there are strong unknown forces at work here and also God of course. I’m glad, grateful and thankful for all and whatever is helping me stay here and fight against this hurt in my heart and this void of darkness inside my mind. Whatever it is I know I’m meant to stay and be strong and push forward and through all this pain and darkness. I don’t know why or for who or what is the purpose but I know I can’t and should not go yet and I should just live my life as best and as long as I can until I go and not by my own accord. Life is hard but I can not selfishly make it mentally and emotionally harder and more traumatic for my loved ones by taking my life. It’s pointless, hurtful and very extremely selfish. We’re all going to die someday, I’m going to die eventually but it doesn’t have to be today and I don’t have to be the one to end it. My day will come and when it does whenever it does I will welcome it with open arms and go run into a my loved ones arms and be happy for eternity with them, I’m not afraid of death nor am I afraid of the future no matter how hard it gets. I do however hate this feeling of emptiness and dreadful sadness but it helps me to write and I’m learning to embrace it. Maybe I’m a masochist. Lol!

Life is hard, but it has and always will be hard and it won’t make it easier on the ones we love if we’re no longer here. I’m going to feel my sadness and pain and learn to live with it and love it as it is a part of me and what makes me, ME. And you know what who cares if I don’t get a response from anyone! I’m strong enough to survive this black hole in my thoughts and I know I can do it because even though I might be physically alone, I’m really not. so, hello?, hello? anybody out there? I know I’m not alone.