Addiction's Greatest Victim - Trust

Trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something.

There are many casualties of addiction. The brain makes a cruel association between the substance/activity and survival, and god help anything that stands in the way of securing that person’s life-blood*. Health, career, family — all become secondary to the quest for survival. Body, mind and spirit are ravaged by the toxic substances and neglect that comes with a sole preoccupation with the substance or activity. And relationships are destroyed from the lies, manipulation and disgusting behaviour that comes with loss of control.

No Trust = No Relationship

It is easy to see how family, friends and co-workers stop trusting the person when they are addicted. They are no longer reliable — they don’t turn up when they say they will. They can’t be depended on to be sober when you need them. If there has been a history of relapse, then perhaps even the person’s ability to kick the addiction is doubtful. Trust is the fulcrum of all relationships. It allows the free movement of the individuals but exists in the background to bind them together. Trust is the centre-point of our union with friends, family and peers. Without trust, the construction comes crashing down. Without trust, there is no relationship — just individuals trying to keep their own balance.

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The breakdown of relationships in addiction is a disaster. If there is one thing that the person needs, it is love and support to heal. Take away the support mechanisms, and this may only drive the person deeper into despair. And yet, the friends, family and peers of the addict must do what they need to protect themselves, their body, minds and spirits as well. Being around someone, you cannot trust only breeds fear and anxiety. An environment of constant dread and distress is not healthy or sustainable for anyone.

The Loss of Self-Trust Is A Tragedy

However, in my mind, there is an even more tragic victim of addiction. This is the destruction of self-trust. Other people may doubt you and this truly hurts. But doubting yourself can be fatal. And yet I think the loss of trust in the self is inevitable in addiction. You lose faith in yourself to be able to make good decisions. You know you are not honest to yourself or those around you about your condition or your actions. Despite your greatest wish to stop, you doubt you have the strength to do what is right, and you question your capacity to live a ‘normal’ life.

There Is No Healing Without Self-Trust

Here is my belief — there is no true healing from addiction without self-trust. But what is self-trust? It is the faith that you have in yourself that you are doing all you can to live authentically, care for, and nourish every part of you — your body, mind and spirit.

It Is Easier Said Than Done

You will read everywhere in the self-help literature that you must trust in yourself. This dear friend is easier said than done.

How do you get self-trust? Trust is not something that magically appears because you pray for it. Trust is not something that you are blessed with after a few chants or affirmations. You only get trust by doing the same right action over and over and over again. Trust is a product of hard work. It is the result of action. Trust is the culmination of the countless small decisions and tiny actions you take every day. It is not something given to you, or which you find buried within. Trust is something you earn by consistent effort. How, though, do you find the next right thing to do?

Trust Begins With Truth

“Trust starts with truth and ends with truth.” Santos Kalwar

There is a path to restore self-trust, and it begins with honesty, first and foremost to yourself. I remember sitting in group sessions in rehab telling the counsellor everything they wanted to hear, while at the same time scheming my next bust. When another patient spoke candidly about their vulnerability, their dilemmas it was so inspirational. I whished one day I had the guts to be as honest as they were, to let the full drama of my experience out into the world. It was only sometime later that I realised the only barrier to being truthful with others was my inability, to be honest with myself?

Why was I keeping up the façade? I was in rehab after all. So why couldn’t I let the pretence of perfection go? It all comes down to acceptance. I was far too worried about being accepted by the rehab tribe then digging deep to provide this love, acceptance and care for myself. What I was seeking from others I needed to find within me. The path I found to do this, to reconnect with and love myself, is captured in The Addiction Healing Pathway.

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It has taken years to come back to my truth — to make friends with my spirit and begin to live freely and fully. It has taken a long road of helping my body and brain recover from the neglect and abuse of addiction. With the energy and clarity gained from this work, I have been able to identify, and counter limiting thoughts and gained the confidence to face distressing emotions. I have gained courage through taking action on my passions and dreams, and this has opened the door to reunite me with my spirit — my authentic self and my true life.

I know it will be the same for you too. When you begin to trust once again in your own heart, then true healing can begin. But it does take dedicated effort to heal the body, mind and emotions along the way. You need to repair the ravages caused to your brain, your body, your thoughts and your emotions so that you can reach the deep and amazing spirit within. There is a pathway, a healing process to follow, and you can find out more about it here.

Others May Not Believe You

When you regain trust in yourself, you can speak from the heart and with conviction. You begin to not only know but also feel when you are on the right path. However, don’t expect others to believe you. I remember a counsellor telling me once that it will take longer for those around you to trust you again. And I get this. They can’t see what is in your heart. All they remember is the fear, disappointment and trauma of your actions. These wounds go deep for them, and they will take much longer to heal. The scars on relationships can remain for a very long time.

Some may question or even try to crush your journey back to spirit. They may dissuade you from following your passions, your dreams and living your potential to its fullest. Remember, they are afraid for you. Their intentions may be pure, but at the end of the day, you only have your own spirit to answer to.

The Only Thing That Truly Matters

Ultimately, you only have control over your actions. And what you do is all you need to worry about right now to regain self-trust and re-establish the relationships that truly matter. Remembering, the most important relationship is with yourself. Your spirit has been there for you all along, waiting to show you a whole new world of life, love and joy. Take action to find it because it will guide you out of this dark place. Trusting in your spirit will help you unite with the life you were meant to live and shine a loving light back on those that were hurt along the way.

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Two Questions For You

To get you thinking further about this notion of trust, here are two questions for you:

1. Is there anything you are not being honest with yourself about right now? The answer to this question can go deep and hurt, so please care for yourself as you contemplate this.

2. Who can you trust to help you with this situation? Who has shown consistency, honesty, reliability and care for you, even if it is not what you wanted to hear or receive at the time?

May you come to know, love and trust the spirit within.

* For more information on the role of the brain in addiction see the following article: I’m Not Addicted — My Brain Is!

I want to send the deepest thanks to Seth Godin for the inspiration he provided for this article. His book ‘The Practice — Shipping Creative Work’ has reinforced for me the essential role self-trust plays in not only healing but thriving in this world. Thank you, Seth!