A Pessimist Trying to Find Happiness

Is there a pill that you can take that truely makes you feel happy? If there is why isn’t it available to everyone, all the time?

As I emerge myself into my daily regiment of sulking, depression, anxiety, and anger; I find myself getting more and more frustrated that I can’t get out of my rut. I find myself wishing almost begging to find some kind of solution: bargaining with myself to literally allow myself to feel better, even just to feel happier.

For the first time in awhile I experienced being happy. It was a strange and unfamiliar feeling. It was almost like a toxin had entered into my body. I felt like it needed to come out. I fought with these emotions trying to just push them out of me, but if I had just looked at it as some type of medication that was here to actually help me, what I could have done next may have been different. I could have really changed my outlook, I could have really moved to the other side of the road. I could have genuinely been happy.

Man it would have been so amazing to stay in that frame of mind, sometimes I only get glimpses, but it always gives me something to hold onto and to look forward too. Almost as if I’m chasing it around but never catching up.

Sure I have been happy a few times in my life: when my daughter was born, when I got married, when I get to visit certain people from my past. I have felt happy but this feeling is also fleeting. Personally with every expierience of being happy in my life I could tell you every single negative thing happened on that day. The negativity actually overshadows the feeling of happiness. Maybe I’m just a pessimist, no I definitely am a pessimist. I’ve always been more of a pessimist, ever since I was little. I’ve honestly had enough terrible things happen to me that I don’t know if being optimistic is even something I can accomplish. To be fair If I did take some type of happy pill I’d probably explode just because I wouldn’t know how to react. Haha could you imagine, I really could explode with happiness!

Obviously I don’t seriously think this could happen but a little bit of light humor is usually how I cope with awkward things. Well dark humor actually. I’d say I’ve always gone towards the more morbid and scary side of most things. I play video games regularly and a regular thing for me to say is “yay let’s go shoot these guys....in the face!” or “yay murder” I don’t mean it seriously and to me it’s a joke. Something funny to say to lighten the mood or get people pumped up. In the video game world saying things like that is pretty regular, so I don’t feel so left out or odd. This is something that makes me slightly happier. The feeling of fitting in, or cracking a joke and being validated with laughs from strangers, or friends. It’s a nice feeling until the 30 minute game comes to an end and I have to come back to reality.

Maybe I should make some type of chart with moments of happiness I have felt and I look at that everyday that will begin to change me. Change my mind and help me to start looking for other moments no matter how small they may seem, change my perspective of the world. I don’t know if I want to change my personality in the sense of I kind of like being morbid, but do I really want to immediately think of the absolute worst outcome of every situation all the time? Not really, can I help it...not really. Either way I need to start looking on the bright side more often, especially since I don’t want my kid thinking that the worst outcome will happen in her life every time. Wish me luck!