A Mile In Her Shoes

The soft tone of piano plays quietly in the background. She is on countdown till her shift is over. So much pain, so much on her mind, so much in her life yet she sits grounded soaking in the softness of the music. Using it as a form of meditation.

Once upon a time the woman was so scattered. Not really knowing what way to turn. She took an interest in religion, realizing all she needed was a relationship with her Savior. She dived into divinity searching for her spirituality. Touching Tarot like it's a telephone line to her One and Only. It took sometime for her to see, that peace lies within the stillness of being. Universally.

At every opportunity she took the time to truly feel the core of her. To acknowledge her heart mind and soul. She used the knowledge as her driving force. People looked at her differently. Didn't approach her like they would the others normally. At times it had her feeling awful lonely.

Here she is two weeks later, sitting at her dining room table. Feeling the coolness of the fan from the ceiling on her face while observing her family warm, content and watching something on the TV. The smell of a late Christmas dinner in the oven circles the air while the soft purrs of her kitty fill her ears. We all have a definition of what happiness is and for her, this is it. It took many many years to gain a mentality like this but she sits knowing it all is a true gift.

Sadness for the longest time, was the only comfort she had. At one point in life she marveled in it. It was brought through her life like her childhoods favorite blanket. Life's path was never straight and surely never handed to her on a silver platter. After forty years of constant heartache, she befriended the feeling that would just never leave her.

A child sitting in her room listening to the commotion outside her bedroom door. Solitude was her safety. Even as a baby face. Is the yelling going to stop? What are they even fighting for? They can barely stand on two feet from intoxication, how are they feeling fit for a war? Do they realize the internal damage they create? The feelings she has stored? Do they even care that the only place she feels safe is in solitude behind her bedroom door?

Adolescent years were probably filled with the most tears. Always insulted and made fun of. Or a man's favorite peer. Continually judged for her fears. Stand up. Sit down. Don't act like a clown. Speak up. Shut up. Why the fuck the frown? Friends, sure she had them. Tried her damdest to please them. Constantly seeking approval not even knowing who she was.

She'd often ask herself if she was just craving attention. Knowing up from down was never going to happen living in that little hick town. Selfishness circled her home like a mass of black birds. The ones who made her just never understood how much life hurt.

Married with three beautiful children and completely clueless. Where was there enough worth in her to be raising these little humans? Her Savior gifted her with precious life and she wasn't going to take that lightly. Child psychology books were now on order. She doused them in love with every ounce of her. Never ever were her three beauties going to feel unwanted or unworthy like her. Never.

Not in order:

Sexual assault. Mental and emotional abuse. Rape. A divorce. COPD. Cancer. Three times. Hmm, arthritis, asthma, a back injury to help the hinder. Hmm, what else? Deceit. Defeat. Dedication and a fragile demeanor. Seventy-two percent breathing capacity and two feet to heal her. Worth, what worth? Fuck, she had never felt worse.

Savior? Mhm, save her. She held onto her dreams and refused to alter. She used the precious lives of her three beauties to keep a drive in her. She still remains determined. Really, how crushing it would be if her children ever seen her a failure. She put herself in solitude and started to feel, deal and heal.. that was the only option to conquer.

Numerous of health issues and heartaches. Three lives lived in one. To hell and back her GPS favored. Then came a day she looked herself in the mirror and said, "No more."

The beautiful Christmas tree glowing, candles burning and the sound of a crackling fire in the background while she pours her heart out. Knowing she's barely touched the surface. Weathered worn and noticeably different. Now she sits in her worth. Yes, you read that right. She damn well knows she's of great value. Compromise no more. Step up or step out, just don't be standing in the door. She places her time and energy only in what is moving her forward. No matter how slow.