a kindle inspired breakdown

I'm not much of a crier but I used to be.

I tell my counselor and my mental health nurse that quite often, when I am sharing emotional stories with them, I just cannot breakdown and cry. I even asked if it was my medication that I am on that just makes me unable to cry. My psychiatrist told me that sometimes we just build up emotional walls to certain things and when that wall breaks- you need to be prepared for it.

Well I had an emotional wall come down a few weeks ago and I wanted to share it with you all. I was hesitant to write about this, but when I read one of Vocal's new challenges regarding, The Metamorphosis of the Mind, I knew I had to share this story.

I left my beloved Kindle Scribe in the snow for a few hours. When my ex found it in the snow, after just barely missing it with the SUV he was driving when he pulled into my driveway, I was shocked. I would never purposely leave it in the snow but it must have fallen out of the open diaper bag that I had carried in two hours earlier.

I got it over Christmas from my mom. It meant so much to me that she would gift me something that she wouldn't even buy for herself even though I know she wants one. I got attached to the thing, it is pretty cool honestly.

My kids went with their dad, and I set to work trying to fix my Kindle. I set the whole thing in rice and asked a group on Facebook for some advice.

I ended up curling up into the fetal position on the couch bawling over my Kindle being broken. I know, it was an extreme reaction to something so frivolous.

I knew it wasn't over the Kindle. It was over my unborn child that I had lost on the 23rd of December. I shouldn't grieve like this in my mind, I have three beautiful children already, but for some reason, this loss hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before.

Sometimes we just break down, especially after having walls built up for a while. And I completely broke down that day. I contacted a crisis line actually because I needed someone to talk to that wouldn't judge me and I couldn't speak to my counselor or my nurse in that moment. My mom was unfeeling about it and probably more concerned about the Kindle than me as it was less than three months old. My partner was at work and I knew I needed a friend.

So I did, I reached out for support. I have an aunt that lost a child, but most of my dad's side of the family was on a trip to Mexico at that point so I felt like I couldn't reach out to them.

I write about crisis lines often as being a mental health advocate but I haven't used one since I was quite young.

I wanted to share a snippet of the chat because it truly made me feel better.

I'm going to be honest, because I've been seeing the same counselor for over three years, and had the same nurse since I was pregnant with my youngest child, I was hesitant to open up to someone else.

I felt like a burden.

I felt like I was putting too much stress on my partner and my mom.

I couldn't get through to my team in that moment of crisis. It was just a Kindle, I kept telling myself that.

I knew that I needed someone to talk me through whatever emotional wall I just broke through.

I realized while crying that I was attached to the Kindle because of the baby that I lost and because of my rocky relationship with my own mother. I know it seems silly, but that device means everything to me. So I just cried. I let out all my emotions that had been building over a long period of time and I just bawled like the baby was in my arms.

When my partner got home, we plugged the Kindle in and it was fine. I had a breakdown for nothing. I had such an extreme cry/anxiety attack over a goddamn Kindle. It just, really meant a lot to me.

I spoke to my mental health nurse the next day over my reaction to the Kindle incident because I know my reaction was extreme. I knew it in the moment too. I felt so stupid for bawling my eyes out over an inanimate object.

We had a really good talk (I almost wish I recorded it) and I made a breakthrough.

I asked her why she thought my mom wasn't here for me during all of this. I'm a strong person, but I really just needed a mom through everything that's happened in the past little while, especially with my health being in the toilet after losing the baby. We just have a different relationship than most mothers and daughters do and it's hard to navigate sometimes.

And then it clicked- as soon as I said that I knew I was the one in the wrong.

I lost my grandma in July last year and it's been really hard on our family. She was the glue that kind of held all of us together.

I realized that maybe she needed her mom here to help me get through what I was going through. I know I miss my grandma- she was kind of the buffer between myself and my mom when we would argue. I know she would have helped me through everything.

After my appointment, I immediately texted my mom and apologized for being a lot and the next day, I told her about my breakthrough that I had made. We spoke on the phone for an hour after that. She didn't apologize to me outright, she just explained that she's been too busy with work to be there for me.

Yesterday, I spoke to my counselor. And she applauded me for how much growth I have done in the last three years. She told me that I'm handling situations that an older version of myself would have shut down in. She told me to give myself some grace with what I'm going through and to just allow myself to grieve the baby.

I left that appointment thinking, and thinking. I want to create a workbook to help women grieve their loss after I get through this myself. My counselor told me this: let's get you through this first before we get started on any big projects.

I had a breakdown over a Kindle. I reached out for some help and that's okay. I feel kind of silly about the whole thing but that's the thing with mental health, it doesn't always make sense to anyone but the person experiencing it.

I'm not a perfect person. I'm human. And that's okay too. It's okay to have a breakdown, you just gotta be able to pick yourself back up afterwards. I've learnt that over the years. If you crumble at every bad thing that ever happens to you, you'd just be a pile of dust and shards of bone.

If you're ever experiencing a moment where you just need someone to talk to, I do recommend a crisis line as I did find it helped. I used the Kids Help Phone text line because I was too worked up to make sense over the phone in my mind. I'm much better at writing my thoughts out then I am at speaking sometimes as I stumble over my words from time to time.

Don't ever hesitate to reach out to people for support. It's okay to lean on other people sometimes.

We are social creatures. It's human nature to need people. Just make sure you're surrounding yourself with the right ones. My partner is a literal angel to me and I wouldn't be the same person without him in my life.

I've got a great mental health team. And I'm truly so thankful for them. I wouldn't be the person that I am today without them.

Thank you for reading part of my mental health journey. It's been quite a long journey to be honest. This was a breakdown and a breakthrough all in one and I felt like sharing it with you all.

Chloe Rose Violet 🌹

If you're interested in more of my mental health journey, please feel free to read some of these older posts of mine that I have written during hard times.