A day in the life of a schizophrenic.

I jolt awake. Immediately my thoughts swirl and splash out of my head. They begin to race and come at me fully armed. My mind knows its own weakness... not good enough, not thin enough, not a good enough human, keeps ringing in my head. I sit up: pain. Excruciating pain almost throws me back down into bed. Then come the voices... wishing good morning pleasantries all the while wishing death upon me. They’re relentlessly tormenting me and I haven’t even been up a full minute yet my love. During these times I could use a friend. I could use reassurance that I am okay and that I am an okay person. I need you to remind me life is worth living and that these voices will pass.

Then comes the battlefield of the mind: will I get out of bed today or remain where I believe I deserve to stay (in bed). Nope, today is a day for new hope, so I drag myself out of bed and and face yet another battle.

You see, seven years ago my self worth was less than dirt, I even managed to convince my own body that it didn’t deserve food. So this morning when I open the fridge I face yet another set of giants and with hopeful spirits I manage to take my medication with a little bit of food. Please baby continue to encourage me to eat and take my medication that's what would be most helpful when I feel like this.

You see darling, I’ve been up for an hour and the voices haven’t ceased and the pile in my tummy feels like the size of the Pacific Ocean. I think I’ve dodged the worst of it, the first meal is the hardest and I’ve managed to get out of bed and get changed. I feel a surge of confidence. I already know that I’ve thrown out all my blades so today I couldn’t possibly hurt myself. But there are always more and if I ever do express the need to self harm please remind me of my worth, tell me that the pain won't last and that it's temporary.

Bam. It hits me like a ton of bricks. Depression. When the fun things that I love to do, don’t seem appealing anymore. When the grey skies outside match the storm clouds that fog my mind. When happiness is a distant memory. Where exhaustion is a familiar old friend who doesn’t allow you rest even though you’re completely finished. Even when I have everything I seemingly need to the outside world, I fall into deep depression that makes me forget all rational thinking. When I feel depressed remind me of the things that make me smile, cheer me up with your awesome personality and most importantly get me out of my own head.

It's later in the day and now and I literally feel myself leaving my body. I’m disappearing and nobody in the outside world is paying any attention. You see on the outside i look fine. But it popped up in my mind again. That day he brutally hurt me. I can’t forget it and I remember it so clearly I can actually smell the blood. I see it so vividly in front of me that I shake violently hoping this time I will escape his grasp. But I don’t. I never do and he somehow has gained the power to torture even in this present moment. When I seem zoned out and frozen please grab my hand and talk to me gently about the things about me that are good.

And they’re there still. Voices: five to be exact. My biggest critics... can you imagine living your life with a negative commentary in your head? I can; and I do. A life closed captioned by the very voices that convinced you to chose these negative coping mechanisms in the first place. It’s just fire fuelling fire and somehow throughout that all I’m drowning. How can this be?

“KILL YOURSELF.” They finally escalate too. But I now know not to listen because I’ve worked my ass off in therapy to learn how to combat these lies that they’re constantly feeding me. But my mind is smart, my mind is cunning. A little cut wouldn’t hurt, I think. A small puncture of the skin will dull the voices down for hours. That is hours of peace for my mind. Hours of my life that I get back. So a little prick seems harmless in the sea of despair that I am in. But I now know the ramifications of my actions. Please when you see my self harm scars don't get angry, I am trying my hardest. I already hate myself enough already. I don't need more shame and guilt, I need love and support.

But you see things things get more complicated when you think about it. I no longer living for myself anymore. I love another human being. I love him so much that I have to take into consideration him now. But it's difficult when I don't understand it myself. How to explain something inexplainable? People aren't meant to starve themselves, or hurt themselves but you have to realize that I come with a past that I am working as hard as I possibly can to get over. Please, my love, if you don't understand something about me ask me, I may not have an answer right aways but I will find an answer for you.

I have been making extreme progress over these past years and anticipate great healing in the near future... I would LOVE to continue this healing journey with you. But you have to know just that. I am healing myself... it takes time and it takes love to conquer all the hate. It's been you loving me unconditionally that's helped me realize that I am worthy of love and worthy of loving myself especially. So I will always thank you for that. All I ask for is patience.

So my babe I struggle like this on a daily basis. I hope this explanation helps you understand where I am coming from and what leads up to self harm and my other behaviours that I may not have been able to articulate to you properly before. I hope with this new understanding we can move forward past all these things and I hope that you can understand my depth of love for you.