A Bad Headspace

For the last few days I have been in a bad headspace. All I’ve wanted to do is get into bed, shut the world out and cry - cry for a long time and forget about the world. I still sort of feel like this but my perception on life has changed a little. You see the last week or so I’ve been going through a number of quite big aspects and it’s left me a little shaken.

I can’t go through another break down again, especially as it will most likely occurs around the ten year anniversary of one of my best friends. So I’m in a bit of distress at the moment - unsure what is around the corner.

This might seem small too most people reading, but I need to get it off my chest. I need to vent to the internet because venting is how I progress things and I don’t want to bother my family at the moment because my mum is in a bad stated, my dad is in a bad state and my brother, is okay but I don’t wish to bring him down so close to his birthday. So I’m left venting to an empty void.

The day I started writing this, one thing good happen, we booked our family holiday - a trip around the Greek islands and it something to focus on, and something that will make me happy, but that same day something horrid happen, something which will go down in the history books and something which seems to be crushing my already crippling mental health - the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

I went to a boarding school, and from what I remember the Russians that attended this school didn’t exactly paint Russia to be on the rise, free of corruption and finally shedding the Soviet Union reputation. I know the UK has its issues - a lot of issues but a fourteen I was probably quite unaware of them because I was a privileged girl being shield from suffering. If anything from my experience it was the teachers trying to paint Russia in a good light, the students explaining how wrong there perception of a country they had never lived in. There were three girls in my year from Ukraine, and it was a daily occurrence for them to be called Russian, by students and teachers alike and I look back now and shudder at how wrong that was.

I’ve known for most of my life to be aware of Russia, I’ve known for most of my life that those in the surrounding countries were scared, and I’ve known for most of my life that Russians are good and decent people, and that there government has never spoken for the Will of the people. Yet it’s got to the point where Putin - not even the majority of Russia, one man disagrees with the decision that another country is making. I’ve spent most of my life knowing that a man like Putin would start a war because history has shown us this to be true.

I’m in a bad headspace - but that doesn’t matter anymore because a man who shouldn’t be in power - where there has been warning after warning in regards to him and his government has finally got to the point where he feels confident enough to invade a country. I’m in a bad headspace, but it’s nothing compared to the feelings of those caught in a war that shouldn’t be happening.

When more than a few people who speak out against him end up arrested or dead things paint an obvious picture that’s never been address.