2024 For Me: People Pleasing, Magic, and Self-Acceptance

(Preface:

2024 was, in many ways, a brutal year. There was pain, terror, and heartbreak all over the world. There were injustices on injustices, disappointments after disappointments, and a numbing, all-around uncertainty that has seeped into the very bones of our current world. Many people are fulfilled and rich and fat and happy; this is true. Many others are hurt and alone, angry and poor, unsure and afraid, and altogether terrified for the future.

There is such a sense of helplessness so many of us feel about the state of things, unsure what to do or say in the face of such evil corrupting people's lives. We must stay diligent, informed, and open-minded; we should be consistently gracious and adamantly willing to learn. Hear other people's words, their pleas, their stories.

Going into the new year, let us prioritize trying to understand each other. There is such a rage in us, and while it certainly is there for a reason and can be an important driving factor for so many, it can also overwhelm us and hold us back from our true potential as people. We are here on this Earth to connect with each other. Empathy and understanding, for all of us, are more significant than ever.

The roots of this year’s issues and tragedies are something we should continue to speak about, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. Prioritize yourself always, while also keeping human kindness and decency upheld in your own way. We aren’t saints; we weren’t meant to be. But I believe we can and should keep our hearts and our minds as open as we possibly can.)

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1) Guys—the gym actually isn’t that bad!

My 2024 started like every other year: I felt fat, and I told myself it was time to lose weight.

In my late teenage years, I ate and ate and ate my feelings away. Working at McDonald’s only amplified my already existent binge eating disorder, and several Big Macs and McNuggets later, I had gained over 60 pounds in the span of one year. Eating so unhealthily back then, and for many years previously, led to my fate of having kidney stones at nineteen—a ton of them. I passed easily over twenty stones over the following two years, had to undergo a noninvasive surgery to break up others I had that were too large, and spent hours and even days of my life on the toilet in agonizing, crippling pain.

Needless to say, my kidney stone fiasco scarred me for life and certainly scared me straight. I spent my early twenties eating almost nothing but an apple and a salad a day and chugging gallons and gallons of water. I lost the weight fast, too fast, and my unhealthily scarce diet and avid Advil-popping led to gastritis, terrible constipation, and other health issues. So I started eating regularly again—and quickly fell back into some binge-eating tendencies in no time at all.

Going into 2024, I was desperate to be healthy—desperate. I was so sick of feeling sick, and I was sick of being the one to blame for it. It made me feel pathetic and disgusting. I wanted to find that balance between eating nothing and everything. I wanted to begin a newer, healthier lifestyle. So the first thing I did was join a gym with my mother.

Throughout my year, going to the gym has been an okay experience. It can be grueling and intimidating, going to the gym as a person who doesn’t usually work out, and you feel like all eyes are on you. Listen—they might be, but they’re probably not. The worst thing about the gym and working out is overthinking about what others may think of you, and at the end of the day, it’s not important what they think.

I was rather inconsistent with the gym, as were my eating habits, because hey—I’m human, and that’s okay. But it was a pretty positive experience for me overall. I’d mostly stick to the treadmill and do my thing there. Sometimes I’d do an elliptical if I was feeling particularly exciting that day. Putting an audiobook on, or an album I like, really changes everything and makes working out a great time. I hadn’t worked out since my martial arts days, and getting back into it really made me feel nostalgic for the rush it gave me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be as healthy or physically capable as I was back then as a black belt, but I hope I can get there one day. Going to the gym has been pretty beneficial for me, and I plan to take my membership into the next year with me. It’s really not that bad. It’s fun, even. And feeling good about your body/treating your body with kindness changes everything.

(I even just bought a pair of weights. Who am I? I don’t even know.)

2) Asking ourselves “what do I like?” is so, so essential to our happiness

If you know me, you know I absolutely love a good podcast. I spend hours and hours of my time dedicated to hearing other people talk, and I’m not sorry about it.

One of my favorite podcasts to listen to this year was Brittany Broski's The Broski Report on YouTube. Brittany, deservedly so in my opinion, has become somewhat of an Internet sensation. With her whip-smart sense of humor, and with a cult following she hilariously deems “Broski Nation”, she cleverly utilized her viral moment on TikTok to propel herself and accelerate her success as a YouTuber, a creator, an interviewer, and a podcaster.

What I really appreciate about Brittany’s podcast, besides her sharp wit and her amazing sense of humor, is her range. She is not afraid to get crazy, serious, angry, horny, or sad whenever she feels the way she does. Her episode about reflecting on our past and present selves, on who we are and what we truly love, and how much of that we’ve left behind for things that do not benefit us in any real way, really stuck with me, especially as a young woman.

We are so often told what to like, what to wear, what is cool and “in” at the moment, what’s attractive, what’s acceptable and what’s not, instead of really, truly doing what we like to do. We are so vastly different as people; why try to be the same? Why should we spend our lives trying to be anyone else but ourselves? Why should we sacrifice parts of ourselves to fit into the mold, to become one single, solitary, boring being?

The episode resonated with me deeply. It made me realize how much I let other people’s perceptions of me impact me, and how silly that is. I saw my younger self in my head for the first time in a long time, and I cried for her, because I felt so terrible about neglecting her and what she loved for so long.

So I dedicated a lot of 2024 to being unapologetically myself, whether through my love of anime, literature, or writing, even if I thought others would judge me for it. I like it, so I will like it for all to see.

3) Look for magic! Feel it!

In her video entitled “the ring, the great dark, and proximity to god”, singer and artist Ethel Cain reminded me of the significance of experiencing magic.

Rings, in regards to music production, she explains, are realms of reality where you rise and begin to experience something otherworldly, something like magic, something like God. And they can be found not only in music, but everywhere in life—those indescribably euphoric moments we have the pleasure of experiencing as human beings.

I found these "rings", these fleeting moments of magic, a couple of times in my 2024. I found them in novels that had my heart pounding and my fingers trembling to turn the page. I found them in songs that sent chills down my spine and swept me away into another place entirely, far from this Earth. I saw them in picturesque visions before me of nature, the vastness of it, of trees and lakes and dark nights and bright lights that left me breathless. I felt them in spent with my boyfriend, basking in our comfortable silence after a good conversation, skin tingling and smiling for no real reason at all, just breathing and being, simply existing in the same mutual, exhilarating understanding.

Ethel Cain, artist of my life, thank you for helping to guide me to the pull from the Great Dark, if only just for a few moments.

(Album review coming soon in January!)

4) Lying is a disease—one that can be unlearned

The biggest thing I worked through this year was unpacking my own self-resentment.

In the summer, I had a complete breakdown. I can’t fully talk about it, as the pain still feels quite raw, but it was bad. Old, repressed memories and emotions welled up within me all at once, and I felt so sick and ashamed of who I was in the past and blamed myself so fiercely for the things I’d done that I was not proud of, things I’d blocked out and tried to forget. I felt crazy, alight with the swell of the grief of being myself. I felt an identity crisis like no other, unsure of who I was and what I was and why; I felt like the worst person alive. I felt like dying.

I went through the motions in some of the worst months of my life, slowly yet surely, until I came face to face with a heavy realization: I needed to go to therapy. My life depended on it.

My therapist is the loveliest human being in the world, and she helped me in ways I can’t even explain in words. With her, we began to talk about things I had never talked about with anyone else. Primarily, I opened up for the first time about my lying issues. I’ve always struggled with lying as a reflex, and it always made me feel terrible. I never allowed myself to think about it too hard, and I let it spiral out of control into a place where I felt like I didn’t know myself at all. My therapist helped to point me to the cause: I am a people pleaser, one who is utterly afraid of disappointing others or coming across as anything but utterly interesting, even if I have to be someone other than myself to do it.

With her, I started to unlearn these toxic behaviors. I saw the root cause for what it was, understood it, and made the effort to start incorporating radical honesty into my life. And it brought me so much joy and so much freedom, to be true with myself and with others.

I also started to see some of my trauma for what it was, and working through that helped me develop a compassion for myself that I had never experienced before. Seeing myself as a flawed human rather than an antagonist in my own life changed everything for me. I never stopped to consider the fact that I was capable of changing the things that made me so unhappy with myself instead of pushing them to the back of my mind to rot and fester. With my therapist, I got the push I needed to change my life for the better. Therapy made my 2024 so emotional, so powerful, and such a painful yet necessary learning experience.

It’s a rocky road, unlearning our unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I’m so glad I found her that September day. I will gladly be bringing her into my 2025 with me.

5) Fear will kill; faith will bring happiness & eradicate doubt, little by little

The person who saved my life this year told me something very important, something I hold near and dear to my heart, something I keep in my mind quite often.

They told me every decision they have ever made in fear has brought only more fear upon them, and every decision they have made in faith has made their life beautiful and blessed and second to none.

I am not a faithful person, nor a religious person. However, for whatever reason, these words struck me.

I had not realized how much I had lived in fear. Fear of failure, fear of disappointing myself or others, fear of being seen for who I really am. 22 years of my life gone, spent fearing myself. Why? Why should I fear myself when I know myself more than anyone else? Why fear myself when I can learn to understand myself? Would that not have alleviated this burden of self-hatred and anger I have towards myself for not being perfect, for making mistakes, for continually betraying myself in the past and blocking out my deepest insecurities? Why should I allow fear and judgment to make me give up on myself, when in the end, I will be all I have left?

The person was right. Fear has brought me nothing but more fear, more anxiety, more stress, more anger, more self-resentment. And the fear came from a place of hiding myself from myself.

Folks, let this mildly pretentious, chronically overthinking 22-year-old tell you this: life is too short to hate yourself, and it's way too damn short to hide from yourself. Why should I only fear who I am when I can learn to love who I am? Why should I fear the ugly parts of me when I can work through them, understand them, and change them? Why shouldn’t I celebrate the beautiful parts, the parts that make me second to none?

I have the capability to change for the better, and I want to, and I have, and that means something. I am second to none; I am the only me there is, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing. It can actually be a really beautiful thing, if I try to make it so. And I am trying to make it so.

Thank you guys so much for reading! Wishing for the best 2025s for each and every one of you.

Leave some resolutions down in the comments! I'd love to hear from you all! ♥️